Finding Our Way

The Run Down...

2012-02-10T11:34:00.008-05:00

I've been working on a blog post for a week now...thought I'd post a "run down" of the goings on around here lately.

Last week was another crazy, hectic week around here. They, whoever they are, say "busy" is a good thing. I don't know whether to agree with that..or disagree.

What remained of our burned home was removed last week. It was pretty difficult to see. We cried. It was very sad. I bought that home and had it placed on a piece of property that I purchased, 18yrs ago for the kids and I. Paul and I were divorced at that time. Brad was 4yrs old when we moved in. So it was, basically, his only home. It was the home where many wonderful memories were made. The home we brought Carly home to, after she was born. It. Sucked. To. See. It. Go.

Tuesday my parents, (we're living with them) headed to Florida for a couple months. Our house (new one) was in the process of being set, (its a modular/manufactured/whatever you call it, kind of home.) but issue after issue kept coming up. And the fact that the workers we have, only want to work 1/2 days! Grrr.... Seriously, who starts construction work at noon?? Apparently, the crew we found!

Wednesday, the 8th, Paul and I had to head to the Michigan State Police Head Quarters, in Lansing. We were finally being interviewed. Holy crap, 4 months to the day of our fire and the death of our son and we FINALLY, had a REAL and proper interview. I guess all the lab work had to be complete, which is quite a slow and lengthy process. Paul and I were interviewed briefly, on that horrible night, while we were on the scene, but,,Wednesday was more in depth. We are so thankful that we did get interviewed, even tho Paul cried through much of his interview and I gagged and nearly threw up on several occasions. It. Was. Difficult. We left after 2hrs, feeling completely exhausted. But, hopeful that the detectives will be able to figure out just what took place in our home. And for the record...we did find out that Brad had a clean toxicology test, which proves to those who like to blab and gossip,,,that Brad was NOT cooking meth!

Thursday, I met up again, with the detective who is leading the investigation. We talked quite a bit about the case. The strange circumstances that took place on the horrific night and about Paul. Paul is in bad shape. BAD shape. All the things we've gone through in the past 21+ months and the fact that he has an, A double S, for a boss...is just pushing him over the edge. The detective is extremely concerned about his stability. As we all are. We are in the process of searching for help for both Paul and I. But, his wonderful boss has not been paying into our insurance and we will lose it the end of February, or we can shell out about $800, which we can't spare, to keep it for 30 days...So, we are stuck AGAIN, between a rock and a hard spot..We need more than just a grief counselor. We went the counselor route when we lost Carly. It was ok, and I even learned a few things in my 6months of counseling. However, it soon becomes more like you're just repeating yourself week after week. Like a record that just keeps skipping over and over and over. I for one, got tired of going in and just saying the same thing. But for now, help will just have to wait..we can't do $300 a week sessions (a piece) and we can't pay for our health insurance...so we'll just see how it all plays out. Well, I did it...I got myself all pissed off thinking about Paul's stupid @$$ boss who cares nothing for his employees! &*%$@!

As for our new home, it has finally been set. There is still so much work to finish, but it is set. Next up, finishing the dry wall work, painting, the stretching of the carpet But, none of that can be done until the electric and gas are both hooked up. We still have a ways to go, but we're getting there.

In all honestly, I am terrified to go back "home". I'm not excited. I'm not looking forward to it. I dread it. I get sick. Physically sick, when we shop for furniture. I get knots in my stomach even thinking about what colors to paint the walls. And even though the fact remains, that this is a different home, I KNOW it will be extremely hard for Paul and I. We will be at home. We will be at an empty home. An empty home with no kids. Empty bedrooms. Quiet. Empty. Empty. Quiet. I've never experienced that before. Not in 25yrs...and believe me, it scares me sh!t less!

Today, Ashleigh left, after being home for 11 days. It's been so nice to have her here, but boy, the time sure does go fast. And we already miss her. Paul and I are both having much anxiety over her being gone again. Sure, we know where she will be, which is nice. We know that we can drive to see her in only about 11 or so hours...except, we have no idea when we will see her again and for us, that's not very comforting. But, she is happy with her decision to join the military. And for that, we are thankful. We are proud of her, for going after the things she wants out of life. We are proud of her determination and of the strength that she has within herself. She's been through so much. Losing both of her siblings in less than 18months and learning about their deaths via a telephone call is wrong in so many ways. As bad as Paul and I feel and as much as we hurt over losing 2 of our 3 children, our hearts hurt even more for our only surviving child. I can't even begin to explain the hurt that we feel for Ashleigh. We gave her 2 siblings...and now they are gone. That does more than just break my heart...it shatters it.

2012-02-05T13:27:00.007-05:00

Don't Grieve For Me For Now I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call;
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.

Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.

~Anonymous~

If you've been reading my blog over the past 21 1/2 months, you pretty much know that I am now, very much doubtful there even is a God. How could I not doubt this? My family has taken quite a pounding over the past several months. Just barely able to catch our breath from our first horrific loss..BAMMM, we were hit again. Yep, I have my doubts.

I often times get asked, "do you think there is a God?" and "what do you think about Heaven?" As I try my best to answer such questions, I often times find myself just shaking my head. I honestly do not know. I used to...but not now. Not anymore. It's very difficult for me to find answers for myself. I sure can't find the answers for others. Or, the answers that others want to hear coming from my mouth.

Its a terrible time in our lives. Most people think, no, they believe that we should cling to any sliver of faith. Probably we should. But we can not. We just do not have any left. I, myself, do try a little. I try to convince myself that there is in fact a Heaven..because I WANT my children there. Therefore, I must be clinging to hope that there is in fact, a God. Right? I don't know..I just don't know.

Never once did I ever question whether or not there was/is a God. EVER. Well, never before the past 21 1/2 months had I questioned God. I thought I had witnessed God's work first hand.

For example..I had Bradley, who came close to being delivered with a broken neck. Thankfully, his collar bone ended up broken (not thankful he had a broken collar bone, just thankful it was not his neck) instead. He was delivered via Vacuum Extractor. I also saw Brad clinging to life as a 5 month old who was hospitalized due to a bad bout of the flu. Which we later learned from his doctor, we nearly lost him. As we arrived at the hospital to have him admitted, his little eyes were rolled to the back of his head. I handed him to a couple of nurses who were in the hallway and they took off running with him.

And then came Carly. I'd seen Carly live through many critical health crises. Bad ones. Coding 13 hrs after open heart surgery. Battling 3 deadly blood infections. Fighting through a deadly round of chemo..to which the end result left her with no. vitals. whatsoever. I witnessed her have a stroke during chemo. I witnessed her losing the ability to use her left arm, hand and fingers..the poor kid couldn't even hold herself up on all fours without that arm acting like a wet noodle. But, even through all of that...I witnessed healing. And I believed. But now, I'm full of doubt. Full of questions. Questions that will likely, never be answered.

A sad but true story:
Several years ago, soon after Carly had been diagnosed with leukemia, Paul came home from work telling me about a co-worker who had a young cousin, we'll just call him, Pete. Sadly, Pete passed away due to leukemia. Pete's mom was a Christian and had been all of her life. She was never seen without her Bible in her hand. Her young son passed away after quite a lengthy battle. A battle that went back and forth for many years. His poor little body had been through the wringer and he ended up with the much dreaded sepsis, which claimed his life. Paul's co-worker told how his aunt went home after Pete's funeral and burned all of her Bibles. BURNED them! She cursed God. And she vowed to NEVER step foot into a church, ever again. I was shocked being told this story. I was pissed that someone would burn the Bible. Pissed at how a Christian could be so angry at God. Because I just knew, I knew there was a God. I just didn't "get" it. I didn't "get" her anger. I didn't understand the anger toward God. How could I? I mean, really... Carly was, (and Brad too, for that matter) after all, living proof...or so I thought at the time.

After losing Carly and less than 18 months later, losing Bradley.. I can honestly say that I now "get" the anger toward God. I "get" it.

I miss these kids.
I miss them so very much.
My heart actually aches.
Every. Single.
Day.

The Poem I shared today, literally takes my breath away.
It causes that 'kick to the gut' feeling way deep down inside.
But I read it anyway.
Over and over again.

Memories

2012-01-22T11:41:00.006-05:00

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love,

the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

We had a mountain of memories come crashing down on this this weekend. Yesterday, was the day that we had been dreading for quite some time. The remaining contents within our home, were emptied out and tossed in dumpster. A dumpster full of our mementos...material things, but nonetheless, our things. However, and we are thankful that our memories were not tossed into a dumpster. Our memories will remain with us for the rest of our lives.

Removing contents from much of the house, was rough, not gonna lie about that. But those contents meant nothing in comparison to Brad's room. That was knee buckling for us. Seeing what remained of his personal belongs, loaded onto a Bobcat and dumbed into a dumpster was pure agony for Paul and I. It literally took my breath away.

As hard as it was for us to be present during that time, we felt the need to be there. Not much was salvageable from Brad's room. A few things, which is nice., but not much at all. His class ring was found and is okay. One of his knives from a knife collection was found..actually, we had found a couple soon after the fire, so that's kind of nice for us to be able to have a few of his things. My brother found a whole Lego village that Brad had built years ago. Brad was a HUGE Lego kid! And he had saved it all these years. Sadly, the Lego village was under his bed and melted to the floor. I was able to take a few of the buildings off the Lego pad to save those. We also found some of his GI Joe's, which surprisingly, were okay. We'll be keeping those as well.

Seeing Brad's beloved San Fransisco 49ers blankets, body pillow and jerseys being piled in the dumpster was pure torture for us. Even seeing his burned up, prize possessions $180 tennis shoes brought tears to our eyes.

Brad had a love for eagles. Not sure how, why or when that came about, but he had several eagle statues in his room along with many wall hangings and a fleece bedspread that had a beautiful eagle on it. Sadly, all of that stuff is gone now. I was hoping to find the eagle that Carly bought him for Christmas in 2009. Her last Christmas. She had gone shopping at the schools Santa Shop Store, and bought Brad a resin statue of an eagle. I had hoped, but I knew better, that it would be found. It was not.

I can't really explain the feeling of guilt that washed over Paul and I yesterday during the emptying of the house. I felt as tho we were throwing away and erasing our son and his existence. We knew that there was not much for us to salvage, but it didn't change our terrible guilty feeling that went on throughout that day. It's pretty tough watching a dumpster fill with your sons burned up possessions. If Brad were still here, it would not have been so difficult. But, he's not and it made it that much worse.

We are so thankful for the memories that we have of Brad. We will hold those close to our hearts and treasure them for the rest of our lives. Brad was such a neat kid. He was funny, smart and very particular and set in his ways. We will never forget his laughter..he had a chuckle which oddly enough, Carly had the exact same chuckle. He was a jokester. He was the biggest person in our home..we're all shrimps. By no means was he a "giant", but he was about 5'9" and to us, that was tall. It was funny to see him standing next to his dad. Brad actually had to look down at Paul (who is 5'2") and I (I'm 5'4") ! He playfully tossed little Ashleigh (who is 5'1") around like she was a rag doll. Poor girl! And with Carly, he was just as gentle and loving to her as could be. He was protective of Carly, well of Ashleigh too. When kids would be teasing Carly, Brad would say, "want me to teach her how to fight?" My reply was, "no thanks." His was always, "well, she needs to defend herself and not take shit from kids who pick on her." One time, Ash (in elementary school) wore a skirt and some kid (boy) laid down and looked up her skirt while on the playground. That night at dinner, Brad..who was likely in about 2nd grade at the time, said, "want me to beat 'em up for ya Ash?" He never cared for boys teasing Ashleigh while they were in High School either. He could pick on her as much as he wanted..but no one else had better!

Memories are a gift. A wonderful gift. But, often times Paul and I find that they just aren't enough. And sadly, the grief overpowers much of the memories. Grief has a way of pushing everything off to the side. Taking over with complete control of your lives. We hope, in time, our grief will lessen. Although we can't see how that will ever come to be.

Make many memories, because none of us know for sure, just how much time we have for memory making. And trust me, no matter how many memories you make or think you've made, if you ever have to take the journey of a grieving parent, you're going to kick yourself for not making more memories.

**again, I see my post is all jumbled up. Sorry. I have no idea what is going on. As I type, the body of the post looks great, but when I preview it, it's a mess. Please bear with me for a bit longer...someday I'll get the problem resolved.

2012-01-17T23:13:00.007-05:00

"Grief has dropped a bomb in your life. You are shattered, blasted, blown apart, all but nearly destroyed. Amongst the shards, amongst the debris, you live. You don't know how. You cant see. You can do nothing but feel the pain that is within you and around you. You don't understand, you will never understand. You lay down amongst the rubble, for you can do nothing else,,,and you cry. Cry like you've never cried before, in your life and you ask, why me? Why us? Why this? And somehow, without knowing how, you uncurl yourself, you brush more tears from your face, and you walk. You begin by picking up a shard, a broken piece of your life here, a broken piece there. They don't fit together anymore, they cant. There is no going back to what once was. As each tiny fragment begins to shape itself anew, so do you. Your shape is a stranger to yourself now, and to everyone else too. Your pieces, have become you; they speak of your strength, of your courage, they speak of you, the vulnerable you, the broken you."

~author unknown~

One of the toughest things for Paul and me is trying to grieve for both of our children. Seriously, how is a parent suppose to go about that? We cry for one and then feel like shit because we are in fact, crying for 1 child. Hard to balance out your grief without feeling anything less than guilt. Guilt that continuously punches you in the gut.

The other night, NBC news had a story on about a little boy with Down syndrome. His name is Ryan. He is actually a child model for Target. I've seen him in the Target ads a few times, so I was happy to finally hear something about him and his story. What a neat little guy. He made us smile and laugh...but he also triggered the water works. Again..guilt swept over us because we were crying for Carly and all that we've missed out on with her. Later that night, Paul and I were feeling so bad for missing her so much...when we have Brad to miss too. Again...how do parents grieve 2 children at the same time? It's almost impossible and leaves you feeling nothing but guilt!

Each day we wake up, drag ourselves out of bed and wonder, how do we get through today? The day drags on and on, until its time for bed again. For me, sleep is something that does not come easily. Paul on the other hand, can and does sleep. We are both on med's to help us, but my mind just never seems to shut off.

On Friday, Paul and I are heading to Indiana to see our home. We were hoping to see the work in progress, but yesterday I received a call from the factory telling me that the home would be complete by Friday. We can still go down and see it though. We are hoping they built it the way we ordered it...with no glitches. I sure don't want us having to deal with that type of headache..I think we've got quite enough going on.

Once our home is done and we've moved in. Paul and I will be getting back to counseling. I think we need more than just a "counselor" though. Not knocking counselors by any means, but I just feel we need some more in depth, one on one counseling. That should be a fun battle with our health insurance company.

That's it for today. I am again, using my mom and dads computer..mine is a lost cause. So please excuse the way this post is going to look. I can not figure out how or why I can't blog from their computer. Who knows, I may not be able to post this once I finish!! I can type, but I can't edit one darn thing. About all I can do, is spell check. My computer was supposedly restored from the fire, but it just will not stay working. Who knows, maybe it's an easy fix...but sadly, my go to guy, Brad, isn't here to get it back up and running for me.

Grrreeeaattt...I just hit my preview button and I see that even though my post looks like it has been typed up correctly in compose mode...it seems as if I have no paragraphs and that my layout looks odd in preview mode. Sheesh...if it's not one thing, its another!

Finally..

2012-01-13T00:52:00.002-05:00

..I have my computer and can now start back with my blogging. I didn't realize how therapeutic blogging is for a grieving mother.

So much has been going on the past few months and I will do my best to post some status updates very soon, but it's really late and so I'll keep this post very short-/ish.

We are all, still pretty much in a fog. A fog that I fear will never clear for us. We still don't have many answers as to what happened on that horrible night of October 8, 2011. The State Police are not satisfied with much of the evidence and, as of today, (1/12/12) this nearly closed case (regarding Brad's death) is now very much, re-opened and being re-investigated. And that's about all I can share with you, for the time being.

Paul and I continue to live with my parents. Our insurance fiasco is almost complete. I can not stress enough the importance of reviewing your homeowners policy. Oh my GOSH!! Unbelievable, the wool they pull over your eyes.

As for our home and whats happening on that end..-.. We lived in a modular home and we are having that replaced with a new one. It's being built now and should be done and shipped to Michigan on Feb 1. We are looking at moving in by mid February. During the first few weeks of our nightmare, our insurance Co had first thought that rebuilding our existing home would be best..but, thankfully, (Paul and I couldn't imagine having to go back to the very home our son died in) our adjuster realized the cost to rebuild, would likely cost more than just replacing it with a new home. So, we went to Indiana, looked at homes and picked one out. It was no easy task. Paul and I shed many tears as we looked for a new home. It was not fun. It was pure HELL.

As far as how we are doing. Well, not so great. We have many moments that are almost unbearable. Just the other day Paul and I went to the doctor. Paul needed some med's to help him sleep. While we were there, I mentioned to the doc that I had been having strange chest pains, but that I figured it was anxiety/stress. Doc checked me out and said all sounded good and that it was likely the anxiety. But I will be seeing my cardiologist and go through the whole stress test, ekg, echo..which I'm long overdue for. We both have many sleepless nights. I have more than Paul, but because Paul works every day, he needed some medication to help him out. I take enough med's and really don't want to add to my long list.

Grieving your child is hard, exhausting work. Grieving two children drains every fiber of your being. We get out of bed each and every morning feeling as tho we never slept a wink all night. If by chance I do sleep half way decent at night, (5hrs is about my max., sleep time) I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a freaking truck. Its so hard feeling sick and tired every day. And I mean every day. I'm sick to my stomach every day. I'm having headaches on a daily basis. And honestly, just putting one foot in front of the other seems to be pretty dam hard these days.

Ashleigh is about to finish up her "A" School (aka tech school) and then she will be back home for a couple of weeks to visit before she heads off to Norfolk Va. Paul and I are pretty happy that she will be "close" to us...about 10hrs away...but, that's only a days driving and that's a good thing for us. She seems to be doing okay. Although she did mention that she thinks she's going to need some counseling once she gets to Virginia. I'm thankful she realizes that and that she is willing to seek out some help for herself. I worry about her and I often wonder how she functions each day. I'm unsure how she continues to get up and do her job/training, knowing that she now has no siblings. I can't even begin imagine how that must feel for her. It hurts my heart even more when I think about Ash, having to go through her life without her brother and her sister.

At some point, I will need to do another makeover on this blog. I have no idea how or what to do. Input would be greatly appreciated. I just know that somehow, I need to figure out how to put both Brad and Carly's pictures on the heading..but that will just have to wait until the kinks in my brain straighten out a tad bit.

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.

~Grieving Mothers~

2011-11-13T19:29:00.006-05:00

My grief is like a river

I have to let it flow,

But I myself determine

Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me

In waves of guilt and pain,

But there are always quiet pools

Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger

My faith seems faint indeed,

But there are other swimmers

Who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me

When the waters are too swift,

And someone kind to listen

When I just seem to drift.

Grief’s river is a process

Of relinquishing the past.

By swimming in Hope’s channels

I’ll reach the shore at last.

~ Author Unknown ~

Today, Paul and I had to go shopping. Shopping for clothes to wear to Ashleigh's up coming graduation. Neither of us were really in the "mood" to shop. We weren't in the mood to do anything. That's normally the case for us these days. It sucks. SUCKS!

As we were walking into a store this afternoon, I asked Paul, "Do you constantly feel pressure weighing heavily, down on your chest?" His reply, "Yep." And that's pretty much our feeling every day. We wake up feeling that way and we go to bed each night feeling that way. It sucks. SUCKS!

We had come so far, but still had so much farther to go with our grieving over Carly. But, we were getting to the place where, we could function. We could find some happiness again. Of course we were still lost without her. My gosh, she was our little miracle girl. Our little sidekick. Wherever we would go, she was a constant thought within our minds. We found ourselves often times wondering how we, as a family, would ever really come to terms with the fact that she was gone. Gone from us forever. It sucks. SUCKS!

Now, here we go again. 18 months later, grieving yet another child. How are we suppose to do this? I never thought I would be grieving 2 of my children. My gosh, I never imagined I'd ever be grieving 1 child. What the heck is this crappy hand of life that we've been dealt? It sucks. SUCKS!

We can not believe that our 21 (22 now) year old son is GONE. We can't believe what took place within our home on that horrific night. We are shocked. Devastated. Heartbroken. Completely shattered. How will our family survive this? How are we suppose to? Why do we even need to figure out the how's and whys of trying to survive this? It sucks. SUCKS!

So many times throughout the day, I find myself wanting to ask Brad a question. For example; I'd like to ask him just what in the H E double L is up with grandma's computer. (sorry for the post..I can NOT get her computer to post correctly!) Brad would know what the problem is..and he'd be able to fix it for me. I also find myself wanting to order food for him. Last night we went to our favorite Chinese restaurant. We always ordered him vegetable egg rolls and Mongolian Beef. But last night, we didn't order for him. The owner of the restaurant knows us quite well..guess we frequent that place!! She was shocked to learn of Carly's death when we told her several months ago. We didn't have the guts to admit that our son had passed away. She didn't ask about him like she did Carly..I was thankful for that. I know her chin would have hit the floor if she had asked us. Most people do find their chins on the floor when they learn we've lost 2 children in less than 18 flipping months. It sucks. SUCKS!

When I started this blog, the main purpose was to network with hundreds/thousands of Down Syndrome mom's and dad's. This blog was basically my bragging and venting blog. It was created for Carly. With the exception of some bragging on our other 2 kids as well. Now look what it's turned into. A sad, depressing, grieving mothers blog who continues to have downer posts. I'm so sorry. This is NOT the way I intended my blog to turn out. It sucks. SUCKS!

I will do a post about Brad and the life of BRAD, in the next couple of weeks. I know many of you don't "know" much about him. He was kind of a private person and would not have approved of me blogging much about him. He would have a FIT and fell in it, had he known I ever posted one single thing about him..and included pictures too. Whenever I did a post with pic's of Brad, I hid what I was doing from him...yep, he was THAT private. He didn't bother anyone and he expected the same from everyone else. I promise, I will blog all about Brad and the great person, friend, son, brother, grandson, nephew and cousin that he was, very soon.

Again, sorry about this screwy blog posting I have going on. I will be soo happy to get my own computer again....someday.

7 Days...

2011-11-11T09:38:00.006-05:00

until we see Ashleigh again. Knowing that we would be seeing her has given us something to look forward to during the past month. We are VERY anxious and excited to see Ash next week. I'm sure it will be a very emotional reunion.

We received a letter from Ash the other day, telling us that on 11/8 she would be going into the gas chamber. I, myself would have been freaked out by that....not Ash, she was excited and seemed to be looking forward to do it! The Navy has been keeping her very, very busy and that is likely a good thing. This Saturday they are having the Captains Cup, which means that each division compete against each other, kind of like school kids having field days. She sounds pretty excited about it. Another task she will take on this week is being placed on a simulated ship, built by Disney. Her Chief has told them to "prepare yourselves, it's very much reality." They are kept up for 40 straight hours with no food. Again, she is looking forward to it. She says, "sounds like fun." Once all of that is complete, they are considered Sailors!

As for her emotional/mental state concerning the death of Brad, she is very confused. She is angry and so hurt that so many people who know our family, had started gossiping about our son, her brother and the cause of his death. It's so hurtful when others run their mouths. It has hurt her deeply. As I've said before, WE knew our son..those who talk and speculate, did NOT. And those who talk/gossip/speculate have no flipping idea what the State Police have shared with us. Poor Ashleigh is not able to come to terms with the fact that she has no siblings left. I imagine its pretty hard to wrap her brain around what has happened to our family while having to focus on getting through basic training. She says that the reality has not fully hit her yet and she fears and dreads the day it does. We dread it for her :*( too.

Although we will only have Friday (11/18) to actually spend with Ashleigh, we are all looking very forward to it. Her graduation is at 9am ending at 10:30am and from there, she is granted "liberty", which means a day pass and she will be able to leave the base and head into Chicago with us to spend much of the day. On Saturday (11/19), Ash will be taken to the Airport bright and early...like 3am...where she will sit for some several hours before being placed on a plane and taken to her next base. I think we are going to make a stop at the airport and spend some time with her there as well. Once on the plane, she will head to Mississippi where she will be attending schooling for 8 weeks. She has asked that Paul and I come to her for Christmas this year. Nothing is definite yet, we are still waiting to see if she may possibly get leave time to come home for the holidays. But, if she prefers us going to her, then we will. We're going to do whatever she would like. If being home with us and my family, then we'll do that, but if not...we will be in Mississippi this Christmas. I don't even want to think "Christmas" it scares the crap out of me this year.

Next Monday we meet with the insurance agent and our new adjuster..I got the other adjuster removed from our claim...only to now find out he has been bad mouthing us, (since being removed) to people we've called in for quotes/estimates that we have being gathered. NOT, cool! Safe to say, we are not looking forward to our meeting.

We do however, look forward to getting all this insurance garb out of the way. We'd like to be able to actually let our grief take over and not be dealing with back and forth crap from the insurance company. I've never run across people who have no compassion like these insurance people...sheesh. We are floored by all this insurance crap. Just when you think you've paid your premiums for 18yrs to have homeowners insurance..and be covered,,just in case the unimaginable happens...your eyes are opened to a whole knew piece of the insurance puzzle when the unimaginable does happen.

7 days...can't wait till this week passes!

**most of this post has been done on my phone..hopefully, it will post okay. I would really like my own computer again!

2011-11-09T18:00:00.000-05:00

"The eyes are the mirror of the soul."

~ Yiddish Proverb ~

If you look deep within our eyes, you are certain to see much sorrow and so very much anger. Gone are the eyes that show any signs of happiness. I'm not at all saying that we don't laugh. We do laugh. Once in awhile. We are still human...something funny does make us laugh, but if you know us, and you see us and take the time to actually look into our eyes, you know that our eyes tell a story. A terrible, horrible story.

Last week was a rough week for us. Nov 4th, Brad should have been eating birthday cake and celebrating his 22nd birthday. Instead, Paul and I spent some time visiting him at his grave site. Paul had a rough week at work, he has a, not so sympathetic boss...which only makes this whole living nightmare worse than it already is. I was able to spend a couple of afternoons with a couple of very dear friends, Vivian and Tracy. You'd be surprised how therapeutic it is, to just sit and talk to friends. We talked about Brad, they both watch Brad grow up and they were not uncomfortable at all, talking about him. They both knew him pretty well. Vivian is the friend who called to inform me that our house was on fire. Tracy is the friend who I called frantically telling her to get to my house that horrific night.

Paul has been in such bad shape. Last week, he disappeared..sort of. I knew he was over at our house. He had somethings he was trying to straighten up in our garage. Our garage is detached from the house, so it's fine, no harm from the fire. But, after about 1.5 hrs I started to worry. It was dark..we have no electricity at our home..and Paul wasn't answering his phone. 30 minutes later, I called him again, this being 2hrs of him being at our home. This time, he answered. I knew something was off, just by the tone of his voice. I told him that it was time to get back over to my parents house. He came soon after we talked. When he got here, he informed me that he went into our home. I knew just what he meant. He had actually gone into Brad's room. And he lost his ever loving mind that night. He tore, what was remaining of Brad's room, to pieces. He just completely lost control. Anger took over...and Paul flipped his lid.

This week has already proven to be another hard week. I swear, not one single thing can go right for us. The other day, Paul got up at 4:30am, which is normal for him, and he started for work..except that his work truck started acting up. He ended up bringing it back home and trying to take Ashleigh's car...except that her car wouldn't start. The day just escalated from that point on. He did finally get to work, by driving my dads truck. Once at work, his day went down the drain. And yes, it was Nov., 8th.. the one month anniversary of losing Brad. Talk about the icing on the flipping cake from Hell! I just know, that we have a dark cloud that floats permanently above our heads..following us where ever the heck we go.

We are still dealing with our home owners insurance. Here's a word of advice. And I STRONGLY advise you all, to review your home owners insurance! Don't assume that nothing will ever happen...and then get a big surprise in regards to your insurance, when something does happen. Make sure that you "total coverage" means just in fact, that.

Our insurance adjuster has been awful. In fact, last Friday I called our agent and told her that the adjuster needed to be removed from our claim. He was! It's been awful and it's just one more added stress to our long list of stress factors. As of Monday, we have a new adjuster. Although we haven't' met him yet, I'm hopeful he wont be as difficult and as heartless as the other guy.

I got a letter from Ashleigh today! Again, she asked me to thank all of my online friends for the encouraging cards and letters. She says that she is so sorry, but time is very limited and she just can not possibly return/reply to everyone. But she thanks you, from the bottom of her heart. And she says that your kind words, have helped to carry her through this very difficult time.

Enclosed in my letter, was also a list of things she wants us to bring her. CANDY and POP are at the very top of the list! Kit Kat Bars, Pepsi, Licorice, Sour Patch Kids, etc.... I'm sure she is having some major junk food withdrawals!

One bright note for today---we only have 9 days left until we see Ash again! We'll only be able to spend about 6hrs with her on graduation day, but we'll be able to sit with her at the airport most of Saturday, as she waits for her flight to Mississippi, where she will be attending school for the next 8wks.

**sorry about the appearance of my blog...I can not get my mom's computer to save my settings. Hoping to have a computer of my own, soon.**

2011-11-04T00:20:00.000-04:00

Bradley Paul George
November 4, 1989
Time of birth; 12:20 a.m.
8lbs 8oz
21-1/2 inches long.

~

October 8, 2011

"If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together keep me in your heart,
I’ll stay there forever…"

~Winnie the Pooh~

We will love you, always Brad.
You will remain inside of our hearts.
Forever and Ever.
ALWAYS.
We miss you more than words can describe.
Hold tight to your little sister
and soar high above.
Right along side of those Eagles
that you love.

2011-11-03T09:13:00.002-04:00

"Walking thru grief is the epitome of insanity. One moment you feel "normal"; even for days you might feel normal. Then walking by something your loved one gave you, & all of a sudden the sight of it stops you dead in your tracks. Why is that OBJECT here and why are THEY gone? And you wonder; how will you live the rest of your life without them. You read all you can about how to handle grief, you listen to the professionals & still...it's a day by day drudgery of incorporating this unbelievable loss into your very heart, mind & soul. Millions have done it before you & lived and somewhere inside, you know you will too. I guess that is one of the miracles of life that we will never really understand. My heart is breaking this week & I feel like I'm going crazy or maybe a better description is I am really two people. The one I show to the world & the one I can't. A split personality of sorts. It's exhausting & can literally make you sick----body & soul."

By: Grieving Mothers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had one of those moments yesterday, as I walked thru our home. Why was this "Object" spared, but nothing else of my son's was and why not my son? I don't care about "objects" I would much prefer my son.

We don't have much of anything left of Brad's - especially from his room. I did have a clean basket of Brad's clothes that was sitting out, which I told him to put away..thankfully, he didn't listen to me, those are being attempted to clean. If they are able to clean those, I will have a small quilt made.

As I walked thru our home, I spotted a small box made out of paper and hand painted which Brad had made for me on Mother's day, way back when he was in the in 4th grade. Thankfully, it was fine..other than soot all over it. I wouldn't allow the restoration company to even attempt to clean it. I wanted it, soot covered and all. I sure didn't want that company to try and clean it, and accidentally ruin it. I will keep it..as is..forever.

It really knocks the wind out of you when you are told, "we'll be bringing in the dumpsters next week." Knowing that so much of our stuff and nearly all of Brad's stuff will be tossed within those dumpsters and never seen by us again. It's our life,,18yrs worth of our lives. Our things which we built our memories from. We are thankful to still have memories, but as I've said countless times over the past 18 months,,,,memories are often times, just not enough.

Yesterday I went to the cemetery. I cleaned up Brad's grave-the flowers which remained from his funeral. I cleaned up Carly's grave too. And then, I sat down in the grass, between both of my children. The grass where I will one day be laid to rest. Smack dab in between two of my three children. As I sat there, I realized I was continuously shaking my head in disbelief. It's bad enough to have to visit one child at the cemetery, but visiting two...is just, unbearable.

Tomorrow is a very dreaded day for our family. Nov 4th, is Brad's birthday. He should be here with us, having cake and ice cream, celebrating turning 22yrs old. As of now, we are unsure how we will get through that day. Paul has taken tomorrow off of work. Except that we have no idea of what to even do. We will likely be completely lost.

One thing that we are looking very forward to, is seeing Ashleigh in 15days. Ash will be graduation from the Navy and we will be able to spend much of that weekend with her. She is anxious to see us and we, of course can not wait to see her again.

Yesterday, we received a call from Ashleigh. It was so good to hear her voice. She has been talked to by the Chaplain and she said, "all things aside, I'm okay" She did say that her division, has had 3 Red Cross calls. Which, according to the Chaplain, is very, extremely rare. Ash was the first call. And the most recent was a young girl who was told her father has suddenly passed away. Ash says that her division (even tho it's quite large) is very close. They all pull together and help each other through tough times. I'd say she has quite a military "family" and for that, we are thankful.

What's going on -

2011-11-01T11:04:00.005-04:00

We've been dealing with quite a bit of crap lately, which sucks more than anyone could imagine. We are missing Ashleigh. We are grieving Carly and we are grieving Brad. Except,,,our grieving seems to have been put on hold. And that worries me.

On a bright note,,,which we have very few of these days....17 days left until we are able to hug Ashleigh (our oldest) again. On Nov., 18th, Ashleigh will be graduating from the Navy. Yes, we are counting down each second of every day. Paul and I, along with my parents will be there to see her graduation ceremony take place.

As far as how Ashleigh is doing, she's doing o.k. As o.k as she can be doing. She is worried about Paul and I. She told me that she thinks of Brad and Carly constantly. And, not knowing what went on that horrific night is making her crazy. She wants to know, as do we. She needs to know, as do we. But the truth is, this is still an open, ongoing investigation. We know very little. What we do know is that our only son died on October 8, 2011. We know the cause of death (some would be surprised), but we do not have explanations as to other things that had gone on within our home on that night. Things I will not share with you. Things I can not share with you. I suppose I could blab what we do know to the whole freaking world, but we were told, by the Michigan State Police, not to reveal to others, certain parts of this investigation and so, we will not.

The gossip, speculation and assumptions are still swirling all about. Which is so disgusting to us. What people "think" happened, is way off base. We aren't sure how such talk gets started..or why. Those who are talking about our son and his horrific death, sicken us. And yes, we do know of several people who are doing such talking. How dare anyone speak so ill of a 21yr old who lost his life in such a horrific manner. Obvious to us, that small town talk stems from people with big mouths who have no lives of their own. Not to mention, all this ignorant talk, hurts our family very deeply. Hurts me, Paul, Ashleigh, my parents and my brothers along with their families. We knew Brad. Those who are talking..did NOT!

Today, we have another restoration crew over at our home. They are removing what is left of any of our furniture, appliances..etc...It's a tough process for me to be involved in. It's very difficult to go into, what remains of our home. Knowing our son lost his life there. It is an indescribable feeling. Seeing the evidence that remains a mystery to the police, is gut wrenching.

This week we will be meeting with our insurance adjuster again. The cost to repair our home is escalating to a crazy amount. Our hopes are to demo what remains of our home. Replacing/rebuilding with a new one.

I don't think anyone can understand how our heads are spinning. How dealing with a fire and homeowners insurance, takes away from the grieving process. We fear that one day, in the future, grief is going to swallow us alive. I've learned, from losing Carly..grief needs to be dealt with head on. Our grieving for Brad, has had to take a back burner. Not saying it doesn't hit us. It does. All of a sudden, with no warning. But, it's not the same. We aren't able to "deal" with the grief right now. Sadly, the homeowners stuff will not wait for us to weed thru our grief. Thankfully, Paul and I have my dad and my brother who have both stepped in to help deal with the insurance end of this nightmare. There is no way Paul and I could deal with it on our own.

As the days continue to pass, I just keep finding myself wondering, how does a family of 5 become a family of 4? And then, just short of 18months, a family of 4 becomes a family of 3. I'm telling you, we are living a god dam nightmare.

Our 3 kids.
Brad, Carly and Ashleigh, Oct., 2008.
Brad and Ash were cracking up..
Carly, not so much. She thought
her "bubba" was going to drop her.
He would never have dropped her!

2011-10-23T10:45:00.014-04:00

Last night, was a rough one. I couldn't sleep. I was sick to my stomach all through the night. I kept waking up wanting to go throw up, but fighting it. Going back to sleep, waking up, wanting to throw up...it went on and on, all. freaking. night.

As the night wore on, it hit me. I realized...that my restlessness and sick stomach was likely due to the fact that today, 10-23-11, is our 18month anniversary of losing the most precious little girl ever.

18 months ago, at this very moment, our lives turned completely upside down. We miss this little girl so, so very much. We can not believe it has been 18 long, miserable, trying months since we last heard her voice. Since we last held her in our arms. It sickens us each and every day. Our hearts forever broke, just 18 months ago.

Today, we are sickened even more. More than I EVER thought possible. Our hearts are no longer broke...they have completely shattered. Shattered, very likely, forever.

15 days ago, we lost our precious, only son. Much to the rumors that have surfaced...which are completely off base. Actually, ALL of them are WAY off base..We have some really mouthy firefighters, who we WILL see reprimanded in the very near future for running their mouths and gossiping over an on going State Police investigation. They had rumors soaring even BEFORE we, Brad's family, were told that in fact, a body had been discovered inside of our home.

As far as what took place, I can not say much about it. (police instructions). What I can say is this, our son, our ONLY son, Brad lost his life on October 8, 2011. Our home is pretty much a loss too. Fire broke out and Brad did not survive. I wish so badly that I could clear the air of all the gossip/rumors that are going around. I will/can say this, Brad WAS NOT COOKING METH...that IS an all out lie. Nothing but a rumor and gossip. Which to us, is very disrespectful to our son's name and to our family.

We thought that life could not get any worse for our family. We were wrong. On that horrific night of the fire, Paul and I left our home at about 5:15pm. We left Brad in our home, and headed to Auto Zone to pick up a part for Ashleigh's car. After Auto Zone, we stopped to eat dinner at one of our favorite steak places. At 6:03pm, I placed a call to Brad's cell phone. He answered. I asked him if he wanted us to pick something up for him for dinner because I was not going to be cooking. He asked me where we were. I told him. He said, "Sure, I'll take a steak." I asked, "medium well?" He replied, "No, medium. And I want steak fries too. How much longer are you going to be?" I answered him, "about 1-1/2hrs." To which he said, "okay, bye." At approximately 7:25pm (we were headed home with Brad's food) my cell rang, it was my girlfriend, Vivian, asking me where I was. I told her that we were in Lansing. What she said to me next, made my heart STOP. Completely stop. Viv said, "Joany, your house is on fire." I think I hung up on her, not sure. I started frantically calling Brad's phone. He never answered. Paul held the gas pedal to the floor, turned on his flashers and I'm quite certain our tires never hit the pavement. In between frantically calling Brad's cell, I then called my parents, no answer. I called my brother and told him to get to my house. (My brother and sister in-law are about 12miles from our house.) I also told him I couldn't get a hold of Brad, he wasn't answering his phone and that our house was on fire. I then called my girlfriend, Tracy, who lives about 5minutes from us. I told her to get to my house, which she and her husband both did.

As Paul and I pulled in as close as we could to our home, we looked frantically for Brad. We ran toward our home, only to be stopped in our tracks by the Michigan State Police. We looked around, past the cop, we just knew he would see Brad standing outside with my girlfriend and my brother. He was not. The State Police were putting crime scene tape around our entire yard. We were told, "this is a crime scene" You see, something took place within our home. Something that we have been told very little about, as of yet. People only speculate. Many things were not right within our home that night. Whatever happened took place in just about 1hr. From the 6:03 phone call I placed to Brad, to around 7pm when my girlfriend, Viv's brother just happened to be driving past our home. He was the first on on the scene. He called 911 at 7:11pm.

We are in shock to this day. We are physically sick. We are numb. We are lost. We are devastated.

We've lost our son. We've lost our home. We've lost who we are...again.

The above picture is one of my favorite pictures. This pic shows the love between a brother and his little sister. Although our hearts are shattered, we try to hold on to the fact that two of our precious children are reunited.

Brad and Carly had their "thing", so to speak. Brad ALWAYS insisted that Carly give him high 5's. Always. Whenever their paths crossed, which was often,,,we'd hear Brad say, "Carly, high 5. Carly, use your left hand." (for those of you who remember, Carly had swelling of the brain during a nearly fatal blood infection while on chemo. The swelling affected her left side, mainly her arm and hand. This was Brad's way to get Carly to use her left hand.) And she would do as her "Bubba" told her! But then, as he walked away, she would throw out her infamous, 'flipping the bird' at him. It was typical brother bothering little sister and little sister getting irratated with her big brother. It was their thing. We know that Carly greeted her "Bubba" with that very infamous 'flipping the bird' and he greeted her with many high 5's.

Although we know they are together, it makes it no easier for us to bear this horrific loss. We stand at the foot of Brad's grave in absolute disbelief. We glance over to Carly's grave and the feeling we get is just nothing we can even begin to describe. When the plots at the cemetery were purchased, 18months ago, 4 were bought. paul will be to the right of Carly (that's how we slept each night) and I will be to the left of Carly...Brad was laid to rest to the right of where my final resting place will be. I will be buried between 2 of my children.

**forgive me, I'm using my mother's computer and for some reason, I've had a terrible time trying to get my blog to look "right". Excuse the run on sentences/paragraphs...I don't feel like sitting here trying to make her computer do what I want it too. It looks okay on my end, until I hit the preview button** No title either...nothing seems fitting to me.

Broken hearts

2011-10-20T10:00:00.001-04:00

...or...

as I've been saying over the past several days,
shattered hearts.

Last week,we went into the local florist
to pick out flowers, for yet another dam funeral for another child of ours.

Another child lost in a senseless death.

Another of our children, taken far too soon.

As we glanced through the many photo albums
full of beautiful flowers
I spotted this, broken heart.
I knew as soon as I laid my eyes on it,
this was the floral arrangement that was
very fitting of our feelings over the loss of our son.
Our feelings of this horrific loss.

Paul and I talk quite often over HOW this living nightmare
could have possibly taken place.
HOW?
HOW can this be happening to our family again?
HOW can we be going through this, again?

We've talked about reading this type of horror story,
in magazine articles.
You know the kind.
Where parents tell the story of their gut
wrenching losses of their children.
Not one, but two. (or sometimes more.)
We remember thinking back over those types of stories.
Thinking, my gosh, how can those parents go on living
after suffering such horrendous losses...
And now, here we are. We are one of those families.
One of those stories that you think,
you will only ever read about in magazines.

Unsure of how to go on really.
Unsure if we will ever be able to go back to our home
and actually live there.
The home our son died in.

As of now, our home is unlivable.
We've been back to our house,but only outside.
We have stood at our son's bedroom window,
which is boarded shut, and cried our eyes out.
As we stood crying, we wondered,
how we can go back to the very home
where one of our children lost their lives.

The real kick in the ass is-
we are still trying to learn how to live our lives without Carly.
And now, just 18 freakin' months later,
we are having to go through this loss, of our only son.

Seriously.
We have no idea how we will get through this.

How did a family of 5,
become a family of 3, in just 18 months time?

The Unimaginable...

2011-10-16T10:44:00.002-04:00

has happened AGAIN to our family.

8 days ago, we lost our 21yr old son and our home, to a house fire. I cannot go into any details other than, there was a fire that broke out in our home while Paul and I were out to eat. A girlfriend of mine, whose brother just happened to be driving past our home, discovered smoke rolling out of our windows. He stopped and approached the house, even opening the door and crawling in on his hands and knees approximately 6ft., but had to turn back.

I will blog more at a later time, but for now I will leave you with pictures of our son.

Bradley Paul George
11/4/89 - 10/8/11

Our hearts are beyond being broken. They are shattered.

One Day At A Time...

2011-10-04T22:51:00.003-04:00

One day at a time is all I can do …

One day at a time to stop grieving for you
One day at a time for my soul to not ache
To stop shedding hot tears; for my heart not to break.

One day at a time is all I can do …
One day at a time to stop yearning for you
One day at a time for my empty arms
To stop clutching you close against nightmare’s alarms.

One day at a time is all I can do …
One day at a time blindly stumbling through
One day at a time, the motions of life …
To stop fighting against unceasing pain and strife.

One day at a time is all I can do
One day at a time in memory of you …
One day at a time to make your life worth
Your painful loss, all too soon after your birth.

~borrowed from my online grief support group~

The words "One Day At A Time" seem to be used quite often in our home these days. Paul and I seem to use them a lot. Not sure if we are hoping against all hope that one day life will be a bit easier for us..or, if we are trying to convince ourselves of something that we know full well, will never be easier.

This past week I seem to be at the cemetery more often. Paul too. Paul is having such a difficult time the last few weeks. I'm sure part of that is the fact that Ashleigh is gone now. Ashleigh kept our family "balanced". She kept us in line. On track. And gave us HELL when she knew we needed a swift kick to the A double S! I'm pretty sure that may have a lot to do with how awful we have felt the past several days.

Tonight, Paul was telling me how awful he feels, sick even, after leaving the cemetery. I told him that maybe he needed to have a break from stopping so often. Probably it wasn't the best thing to tell him. He just wept..broke completely down. I sure don't have much advise for him. We're like the blind leading the blind here. We've never done this before and it just plain sucks.

Some days are better than others, but in all honesty, no days are good days. It's like a feeling of having the wind knocked out of you time and time again. I think that most everyone can relate to that feeling. Right? Just imagine having that constant feeling. It sucks..and, well, that's the feeling we have on a daily basis. Some days worse than others...but every day, at some point, that is the exact feeling we have. Our doctor and the counselor both, have told us this is all a common form of grief. It will go on for an undetermined amount of time. We were told we need to just "take one day at a time"...but to be brutally honest, most days...One Day At A Time is just 24hrs too much.

Adjusting..again..

2011-09-28T14:42:00.004-04:00

A week ago, we bid farewell to our oldest child, Ashleigh who is soon to be 25yrs old.

Quite some time ago, Ash decided --- since her 4yr Bachelor's Degree was not landing her a worthwhile job --- that she needed a new chapter in her life. She wanted to continue her education, without having to go deeper in debt in order to pursue her Master's Degree. And so,,, much to our disliking (although we NEVER voiced that to Ash. Honest!) she joined the United States Navy!

We are very proud of her for making this decision. Proud that she is such a determined minded young lady. Proud that she is brave enough to endure the physical and mental aspect of "military life"! However, life around here is once again...an adjustment. From buying groceries, making dinner, doing laundry (less, much less laundry!) to not having our very talkative, soon to be 25yr old exhausting us with conversation!! Someone once asked me, "does she ever stop talking?"To which I replied..."No. I can't even remember a time that she didn't talk!"

Saying goodbye to Ash was harder than I had imagined it would be. Last Monday, she had to report to a hotel in the Lansing (MI) area at 7pm for a briefing. We decided we'd go to dinner at her favorite restaurant, Carrabba's..which is just around the corner from the hotel. Ash dropped us off and headed to her mtg. Around 8pm she was back at the restaurant where she enjoyed her favorite meal. At 9:30pm (she had to be in her room by 10pm) Paul and I dropped her at the hotel. It was so hard to see her off. I haven't had that much emotion pour out of me since that horrible day in April 2010. I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my gut..again..I had uncontrollable tears..which I had hoped I wouldn't have. I didn't want to make Ashleigh feel bad. But, I just couldn't help it. Bless her heart, her last words to me that night were, "Love you mom. It's going to be okay. It really is."

As we sat and watched Ash walk into the lobby of that hotel, Paul and I both just sobbed. I didn't stop until we were 25miles away. That being said, once we headed out of the hotel parking lot, this song came on.

This was one of Carly's most favorite Miley Cyrus songs. One of MANY favorites. This song would come on the radio, while we would be driving in the car..and if Carly had happened to fall asleep, she would instantly wake up and start singing and bopping around in her car seat. She did it every. single. time. without fail! And even though the name of this song is, Party In The USA, Carly referred to it as the "butterfly song"

I mean, come on..at the very moment we pulled out of that parking lot, this song comes on the radio?!?! I think that's a pretty good sign from our little sweetheart. Telling us she is right here with us, watching over her "sissy" and all will be okay for Ash and us.

I just know that Carly has her arms wrapped around her "sissy's" neck just the way she always did.. See??!!??

On Tuesday morning, September 20th., bright and early...Paul and I headed to Lansing to see Ashleigh be sworn in and to hug her one last time..for who knows how long. But, we didn't see her sworn in..she had been sworn in weeks ago. The little stinker didn't tell us that! Oh well, we still wanted to see her off so it was not a morning wasted. Not by a long shot! About 12:15pm, she boarded the bus that would take her to Illinois, where that new chapter of her life would soon begin.

Ashleigh did call me when she arrived on base. Unsure of the phone she was using..they weren't allowed to take cell phones. How she will survive 9weeks without her beloved cell phone is beyond me! Anyway, she called just to say that she made it and she wouldn't be calling for at least 3 weeks. She also said that she'd have her address for us in a week or so. The call lasted a whole 48seconds. I was happy and somewhat at ease knowing she was there.

As we face yet another adjustment in our family life. Again. I take much comfort in knowing that Carly is watching over Ashleigh. I just know that she is.

Think Before You Speak

2011-09-24T20:42:00.003-04:00

Dear Friend, today you broke my heart,
In a place that was unbroken.
You did it with your thoughtless words
That should not have been spoken.
You know that I am grieving,
That my pain is deep and real.
Your hurtful words pierced like a knife.
How do you think I feel?
You may not suffer from my loss
Or share this lonely grief,
But I'm mourning my baby,
Who's life was much too brief.
I'm sure you don't know how I feel,
I don't expect you to.
Don't ask me to get over it....
That's something I can't do.
Without grief, there's no healing
It's a journey I must make.
It's not the path that I would choose,
but one I'm forced to take.
No matter how you choose to see
What I am going through,
I need compassion and support....
I'd do the same for you.

~ Angie Robbins Sexton

This is a poem I found by way of one of my online grief support groups. I thought I'd share it with you all. And boy, does it ever speak volumes. So many people I've encountered in the past 17months, have said things that are not so sweet. Just not nice. Things that just do not need to be said. Now, I know I'm suppose to have a 'thick skin' but seriously....WORDS do HURT...and hurtful words are multiplied by numbers that are way beyond existence, when you are a grieving mother.

It's Friday, the 23rd of September...

2011-09-23T11:17:00.003-04:00

The two days that I hate the most--Friday's and the 23rd of each month. Today happens to be both of those day. It also marks 17months since I last held my little girl. 17months.

Often times I kind of blank out..for lack of better wording...and find myself thinking, there is no way this could have happened to our family, no way is our sweet little girl gone. I can't begin to explain the wave of sadness that washes over me. It's that feeling of your stomach dropping suddenly. Arms go limp. Head gets fuzzy feeling. And, you can actually feel your heart skipping beats. It's terrible.

Every Friday my mind goes back to that horrible day in April 2010. Every. Single. Friday. I relive that day every week. It's like rewinding a movie..it just plays over and over in my head. I can recall every single minute of that day.

I kick myself every day, over and over again for not climbing in the back of that ambulance. Not that I could have done one thing to help...although I would have been on my cell phone calling Mott's/cardiology..which I guess, could possibly made a difference..being as the EMT was a complete freaking idiot! I had a friend tell me, "Jonesey (she always calls me Jonesey) you weren't suppose to be in that ambulance." Maybe she's right, but I still wish I'd have climbed in with Paul. I did actually climb in, to kiss Carly and say, "mama loves you. I'll see you in a little bit."

I have been asked by a few people how I am doing..really doing. Well, my answer would have to be ~ I am lost. I have no idea who I am anymore. Even tho., I'm not "alone" I sure feel alone.

If you've ever been lost in a corn field you can kind of relate to how I feel on a daily basis. It's actually pretty similar. Except, when one is lost in a cornfield, they eventually find an exit point and make their way out..I keep going around in circles, making all the wrong turns and it seems to me, that there is no exit point in sight. So, in a nut shell, I'm not doing okay. Although I have learned that most people do not want to see that I m not okay. So, I learned how to wear a mask to hide it all. I think I do a darn good job. However, if you look into my eyes..really look, you'll see nothing but sadness. It's there, even I can see it.

As far as I can tell, being 17months into this miserably sad life, it does not get any easy trying to navigate through each day. I still HATE waking up each day. I HATE nighttime. I HATE seeing the bus stop at the neighbors house each afternoon. I HATE that it's been 2 full summers since I played with Carly outside. I HATE going into a store, seeing all the cute little girl clothes and the toys and books and candy at the checkout. Anxiety attacks still overpower me in the store. In fact, I've read many books that confirm, a grocery store is one of the most common places for a bereaved parent to have an all out anxiety attack. Yep, I carry my med's with me and usually have to pop one while in the store.

Anxiety and panic attacks are my best friends now..some friends eh? But, they are both there, without fail, all. the. time. From going to the store to doing laundry. They are a constant now in my life. I don't particularly like either of them, but they are in my life now and will likely be here forever.

If you notice, I had to add something to my right sidebar on my blog. I know it makes me sound like an all out b!tch, but so be it. I am floored to this day, that people who KNOW what my blog is about these days, would actually take time to leave stupid comments. I've had quite a few that didn't get posted..my blog..my choice! In all honestly, I know that life is rough from time to time, for every. single. one. of. you. From, a sick kid who has had you up all night, to a broken arm, to a bad IEP meeting, a flat tire, a dead car battery...etc...I GET that. I'm not a stupid person. However, at the end of the day, most all of you can and will wrap your arms around your child/children. I can not do this anymore. PLEASE, do NOT come to my blog and tell me how "life is rough for everyone, not just you (meaning me/us)." I'd give anything to have a "rough" life like yours, but I'm willing to bet not one of you would want my life right now. And if any one of you thinks life is soooo bad , try on and do some walking in my shoes. You'd quickly want to kick those shoes to the curb and go back to your whining about IEP's and snotty nosed kids, dead car batteries, etc, etc. I envy each one of you. I'd give my right arm to have a snotty nosed little girl to sit up all night with. And as much as I HATED fighting with the school over Carly's rights as a general education student...I'd do it a million times a day if I could have her back with me.

Most of you will see your children today...I'm going to visit my little girl at the cemetery, as I do each Friday (and several days in between) and the 23rd of each month. Yeah, I'm willing to bet, your life ain't as rough for you as you think it is. Unless of course, you are a bereaved parent.

Everything came crashing down..

2011-09-21T10:53:00.005-04:00

Woke up this morning feeling like crap..love days when you wake up and feel miserable. NOT! Most days I wake up sad..so throw in feeling like crap and boy oh boy does it make for a bang up kind of morning.

This past week has been difficult for me. It hit me, that saying goodbye to Ashleigh, our oldest (24yr old) was going to be much harder on me than I had imagined. I dreaded the whole 'goodbye' and feared I would feel just exactly as I did...everything came crashing down, around me. That whole feeling of loss hit me all over again.

Even though I kept telling myself that there is a difference between this loss and the loss of Carly. Everything came crashing down. I know most of you will likely think that there is such a huge difference between these two losses..and you are likely wondering, how can she even compare the two. I know, I KNOW but for a "mama" who suddenly loses her baby girl its kind of hard to separate the feelings of one loss from another.

We had a going away party for Ashleigh, complete with friends and family. It was a GREAT time. I'll do a post on her later this week about her leaving and her party. The night before the party, it hit me. LOSS. The feeling of total complete loss. Again. And even though I tell myself that this loss is a good kind of loss..well, actually I try to convince myself that a good kind of loss even exists...like I said above, it's still a loss. At least in my eyes.

In less than 1 - 1/2 yrs I've lost both my daughters. Yes I KNOW Ashleigh is doing what she needs to do (for those who don't know, Ash joined the Navy) to better her life..and live her life as she needs to and I'm/we are very proud of her for being such a determined young lady. But I still feel a loss. She is gone and even tho I'm proud of what she is doing,,,the fact remains, she's gone now.

Again, my house is eerily quiet. Ashleigh is a motor mouth..which may prove to be a bad thing in the military! Just yesterday I picked up my phone to text her and again everything came crashing down...I can't do that anymore-mainly because she belongs to the Navy now and she had to leave her cell phone at home. I can no longer just pick up my phone to call her or text her anytime I want to, like I used to do.

Last night I received a surprising and very quick phone call from Ashleigh. A quick 48 second call as a matter of fact! She called to tell me that she made it to her base safely and that she will write with an address in a week or so. She also said, "mom, I wont be talking to you for about 3 weeks." I've never gone a day without a conversation with Ashleigh. It's going to be a long 3 weeks for me.

So as I sit here this morning, I have come to realize...our life has to find another new normal. I can't even begin to tell you all how I HATE new normals. HATE them with a passion..and you guessed it, everything came crashing down, again.

September....

2011-09-19T00:00:00.001-04:00

...is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.

I've been laying low when it comes to blogging. Haven't had the desire to sit down and just do it. Call it self pity, laziness...or just simply neglect, I've just avoided it all together. I have managed to check on a few of my friends blogs. But, checking on them has been few and far between too. In all honesty, I've tried to avoid all the "back to school" posts. Although I am so happy for all my little Down syndrome (Ds) friends, as they venture on toward another year of school, learning and fun. Again, call it a little self pity, but my heart aches just a little more..knowing that my girl isn't among that group of back to school--ers.

I thought I'd sit down and blog about something that will always be a part of my life. Childhood Cancer Awareness. In case you missed the title of this post, September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.

Many of you know the story of Carly and her diagnosis of cancer. Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), on Sept., 25, 2004. Trust me when I tell you, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for the words, "your daughter has cancer". It knocks you down. It brings you to your knees. It takes the wind right out of you. Especially if you had no idea that your kid has about 80% greater chance to develop leukemia than the "typical" child.

Unfortunately, leukemia is not something that is all that uncommon among the Down syndrome (Ds) community. How on earth my family went for nearly 2.5yrs before finding out that Carly had a much higher probability of some day being diagnosed with leukemia is beyond me. But, no one ever told us and we certainly never read about it. We were devastated and absolutely in disbelief and very much terrified for our sweet little girl.

Sadly, I've learned quite a bit about leukemia. I really had no choice but to get educated. Fast! Childhood cancer is scary. VERY scary! The first few days after diagnosis is horrifying. You are given TONS of information. Doctors and nurses come at you and your child from all different directions. It's kind of like watching the cartoon, Charlie Brown..when the teacher is talking to the class, but all 'we' hear is, waah wahh wahh...that's what it's like being bombarded with "cancer" terminology. It's exhausting and overwhelming.

As a parent, you quickly catch on to all the terminology. You learn to how read all the reports. You learn all the different types of blood tests and their importance. You are told about broviacs and ports. You quickly learn how to flush IV lines. You learn all the different types of poison..err I mean, chemo names and their side effects along with the risks associated with the chemo. You are given the 'road map' or protocol of your child's cancer and a treatment plan-in our case, it was 26 months worth of chemo. You learn all the ins and outs of IV chemo, oral chemo, steroids, spinal taps and bone marrow aspirates. You see your child receive blood pretty regularly, especially in the beginning. You see the bag of platelets that are given to your child, when their platelet count is dangerously low. And you see children of all ages, infants thru teens who are deathly sick and fighting for their lives. You see pale white skin, bald or thinning hair, big black circles around these children's eyes. It breaks your heart and if it doesn't, you my friend,,, are NOT human!

As you are thrown into a world that most of us didn't bargain for you quickly learn how the platelets work and why they work and why they are so darn important. Parents learn how the immune system works, we learn all about the absolute neutrophil count (ANC) and whether the ANC is high enough to continue with chemo..or if its low and chemo has to be put on hold until the ANC comes back up to a safer range. We also learn how the white count works with the ANC..the correlation between the two. We are told of the signs of a low red blood count. We are taught to watch our kids closely. Watch for fevers and if a fever does occur, head to the ER if the temp reaches 100.7-under the arm. Infection is always worrisome.

In a way, parents who had no desire to get into the nursing profession,,suddenly find themselves right there in the midst of "nursing". We learn to give shots..although, I flat out refused to do the shots. I had family and friends who are nurses, they came over and gave those shots to Carly. No way in HELL was I going to inflict pain on my little girl. NO WAY! But I was taught and had the need come, I would have done it. I did however, learn rather quickly how to run IV's, flush lines and all that crap. Thankfully, Carly had a broviac (and later a port), which meant she didn't have to be poked by me. Nonetheless...it was awful. UofM always told us parents, "when treatment ends, you parents earn your honorary nursing certificate" I told them, "no thank you, I'll pass!"

Most people do not realize all the different types of childhood cancer. I still don't know all of them. I am however, very familiar with ALL. Lived it. Know it. HATE it.

Being a cancer mom, you learn how to live a whole new life. Life as you once knew it is over. A new life begins. Life full of medical terminology. Frequent Clinic visits and lab work. Friendships made with other children and their parents along with nurses and doctors who become extended family members. Long days spent at Clinic, trips to the ER in the middle of the night along with many admissions into the hospital. It's a nightmare. You see your once vibrant child, looking deathly ill with pale skin and dark circles under their eyes, you see the weight loss and weight gain in your child. And some of us will even experience very near death experiences.

A diagnosis of Childhood cancer wreaks havoc on your entire family. Siblings of a cancer child often times feel forgotten. The focus has to be on your sick child. Forgetting your other children is NOT something we, cancer parents, intend on doing. But it does happen and it happened to our kids. I know our kids knew that Carly needed us..but still, they were left alone more times than I even like to think about. But, we made it through cancer and we were learning how to live a new normal life..because life never is normal again...not as it was before cancer hit.

I often times get so pissed. Pissed because Carly fought and won her battle with cancer. She endured 26months of chemo along with many hospital inpatient stays and 3 extremely close calls with death. All of which, she WON...only to lose her life in a mere 1.5hrs. Makes me sick. That's what she gets for enduring the evilness of cancer?? Pretty messed up if you ask me. And for the record--Carly had NO cancer whatsoever, within her little body at the time of her death. She was CANCER FREE!

I leave you with the face of cancer. The many faces of Carly fighting ALL-(leukemia). CANCER SUCKS! However, do you see that little smiley face in nearly every picture?? Yep, this little girl brought US through this horrible nightmare. She carried US through it. She made US strong while she was so ill. I was asked once, during treatment, "Joany, how do you do it?" My answer, with no hesitation, "because Carly keeps marching forward. She is carrying us through it and that's how I do it." Even in her weakest days, she gave her "mama" all kinds of strength. Love her and miss so much. Much more than most of you could ever even attempt to imagine.

Basement People and Balcony People

2011-08-09T14:21:00.000-04:00

re-post: blogger didn't post this...however, facebook did! Weird!

By: Traci Cooley (Bereaved Mother, Tampa, Florida)

Shortly after my daughter Malena died, I started a home based business to keep busy. During

the course of this business venture, I was able to attend the company's annual convention

These conventions are geared toward encouraging and motivating the sales teams to sell, sell,

and sell. There are workshops and motivational speakers all pushing you into “expanding your

business”. As I sat through many of these speakers, most of what they said I related to

surviving the death of my precious daughter rather than expanding my business. Three years

later, one of the workshops I attended that weekend keeps popping into my head as my grief

process extends past what the world finds “comfortable”.

The workshop was called “Balcony People and Basement People”.

Basement people-are people who constantly pull you down or discourage you.

Basement people, in our grieving process can and do cause us much hurt and distraction. They are people who do not wish to hear about your child; they do not want to talk about your hurt, or actively help you go through the grief process. Basement people are also people who say ugly or uneducated things about your loss such as “Aren’t you over that by now?” Basement people criticize your bereavement or question every method you chose in dealing with your loss. Basement people make everything about them and their feelings; disregarding the fact that it is your child who died. Basement people can cause a lot of hurt (often, unintended) to you during your bereavement process.

Balcony people-are the people who pull you forward and along the road of grief.

Balcony people come beside you and cry with you, spend time listening to you talk of your child and tell you stories they remember, too. Balcony people encourage you to seek ways to heal and process your loss. They understand that the way you chose to deal with the death of your beloved child may not be their way but it is what is good for you. Balcony people understand when you do not want them around but stand by just in case you change your mind. Balcony people cook or clean for you because you just do not have the energy. Or, they do not comment when the house is a little (or a lot) messier than it used to be. Balcony people understand that you will never be the “old” you and help you to find the “new” you who will emerge through the grief and loss you have sustained.

Take the time to identify the Balcony people and Basement people in your life. Spend

most of your time with the Balcony people and try to limit the time with Basement

people; if possible. Balcony people pull you up, cheer you on, encourage you and take

care of you when you most need it. Basement people pull you down, criticize and find

fault in what you do. Balcony people and Basement people; we all have them in our

lives. It is our choice of who we allow to be part of our bereavement process and our

lives. I choose my Balcony people.

I found the above writings, on my online "Grieving Mothers" facebook page. I spend an awful lot of time on that page. It's the only place where every. single. person. KNOWS first hand, my thoughts and feelings. They all get it. They've all been there. I do have to admit, sometimes it really scares me when I read of other writings from bereaved moms (and dads). I see their grief that continues on for years and years after the death of their child/children. It makes me realize, this grief, is a never ending journey.

When I read what Traci wrote, I realized that I too, am experiencing this very thing. The "basement" people and the "balcony" people.

Sadly, during the course of the past 15+ months, I've encountered more "basement" people than I have "balcony" people. I've had a couple of people actually lash out and attack me (online). Over crap they started. Oh My GOSH, they were relentless, like pit bulls who refused to let loose their grip. I can't lie, it hurt me deeply. But, no matter how they tried to keep me riled up, hurt me and pull me down, , , to their level... I knew in my gut, what I am dealing with goes so much deeper than their pettiness. I don't have time for pettiness in my life. No time for those "basement" people. The ones who think, 'oh my god, isn't she over this yet' or 'oh my god, is she still whining about her daughter dying? When will she just be over it' NEWS FLASH~~ I. Will. Never. Be. Over. It. And it, would be the death of my child.

As for "balcony" people. I have several. I've been a bit surprised that they are not the people I thought, would surely be my "balcony" people. But, I'm learning...that people are often times, not what they seem. The death of your child, brings a whole new light to the faces of the people that you once knew so well. The death of your child, puts EVERYTHING into perspective.

I do understand that some people, will not be able to accept the fact that I am not the same person that I was 15+months ago. I m just not. I can't help it. I didn't ask for this change to take place. I sure as HELL don't like it and I want nothing to do with it. BUT..this is the way it is. This is me now. Either bear with me, as I find my way through this living nightmare and accept the fact that I am trying hard to find the "new" me. Or, become a "basement" person and I will leave you behind. Quite honestly, I do not need "basement" people dragging me down. This is gonna be a very long and bumpy journey for me and my family. While I/we find my/our way through this bumpy, twisting, never ending journey.

I will be holding tight to my "balcony" people.

Dreams/Nighmares

2011-08-02T13:37:00.004-04:00

As I lay awake each night, trying to sleep, - and boy, it's a struggle to get a decent night sleep. . . even with medication - Carly is always on my mind. As I lay, wide awake, I hope each night I will dream of her. But, sadly my dreams have become few and far between. I want to dream of her. I want to dream happy dreams. But can't. They aren't there. They've never been there. Just crazy, dreams/nightmares are all I have.

I envy my cousin, she did have a dream about Carly. A nice dream. A happy dream. Carly was swinging and happy. I want to dream that dream too. But I'm stuck with bad dreams. From Ashleigh's view point, she says to me, "at least you dream of her, mom. I haven't had one dream of her." Ashleigh is kind of angry that she hasn't had one single dream of her little sister. Maybe it's better that way. I would hate for her to have the kind of dreams that I have.

Most of the dreams/nightmares I've had of Carly, over the course of the last 15months, have not been so good and they sure aren't happy dreams. In fact, they have been awful. I'm not sure if I've shared those dreams before..my memory is very short term these days. As far as my dreaming has gone..some may people may just classify them as nightmares. And I guess that's really what they are.

One of the dreams/nightmares I had, was about 6months ago. I could see Carly as clear as day. She was walking with someone, down a very long hallway. I was several yards behind her, yelling as loud as I could, "Carly, Carly" and running as fast as I could, but I couldn't get her attention and I never caught up with her. She never once turned around to look at me. She just kept walking. And no matter how fast I ran, I could not catch her. And then, she just completely disappeared...the hallway ended. She was gone. During the dream/nightmare, she never turned to look at me. Not once. Which is kind of strange, because I saw her face clearly..but she never once turned to look at me. I woke up feeling completely exhausted.

I've had several dreams/nightmares of her going to school too. I place her on the bus, and she would wave and blow me kisses-like she did, every. single. morning. But after school, the bus never brings her home. I call the school and am told, "Carly was never here today" which leads to a huge argument with secretary. I call the bus driver, he says he never saw Carly. And a panic search gets under way...but we never. find. her. And then I wake up, exhausted.

One of the dreams/nightmares I had, and thankfully only once...was a horribly twisted one. I can't even figure out how this one came to be. But, I did dream it. Carly had been kidnapped, by one of my high school friends. I wont get into how messed up the dream was, other than say...this friend killed Carly. To this day, that dream/nightmare haunts me. This friend had never even met Carly before. How I had a crazy dream/nightmare like that, I will never understand and to tell the truth, I'm not sure I even want to attempt to understand that one. It was AWFUL! I didn't wake up from that dream/nightmare exhausted. I woke up terrified.

As for these dreams/nightmares, my counselor told me it is common. And that it goes hand in hand with the sudden unexpectedness of Carly's death. Along with the fact that it has been so much of a shock to me, with so many unanswered, unexplainable and unacceptable reasons behind her death. It's like she just disappeared one day. And I'm longing to find her again.

Just once..well, more than that, really... but just once, I'd like to have a good dream. A happy dream with Carly in it. Maybe one day. Although, until I am able to find some sort of peace, I doubt that any happy dreams will be coming my way. Likely, only the these awful nightmares.

I belong to a group called "Grieving Mothers", it's a facebook group and it really helps me having others who have the same feelings and thoughts that I have. It's a group with about 5000 members. All of us, grieving mothers (some dads too, I think). Earlier this morning, I was on that groups page and found a Winnie The Pooh video clip, that someone had posted. I watched it and after it was done, another Pooh video came on, that song was, Wherever You Are, and it just felt very fitting for my mood today.

Wherever I am, I will love Carly forever.

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

2011-07-27T19:55:00.005-04:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some, have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some, have worn the shoes so long that days will go by,
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author Unknown~

This one, is one of my favorite poems about being a bereaved parent. Although that sounds odd..saying I have a "favorite" poem regarding bereavement, but it's true, I have several that I like and several that I re-read to myself quite often. I don't really like the fact that I have favorite poems such as this one, which is clearly written by a grieving/bereaved parent..but that's my life now. I have to find some way to feel like I fit in someplace. Sadly, this is where I fit now. And I hate every single second of it.

The 23rd of each month stinks for us. And for some strange reason, our family has lost 4 family members on the 23rd day of the month. Two were Apr 23 and two on July 23..of different years. My aunt passed away last week, on none other than the 23rd of this month. My family all think we should just skip the 23rd of each month. Just erase it off our calendars..if only it were that easy. Carly was of course Apr 23, last year. 5 yrs before, on the exact day that we lost Carly, my cousin, Dawn's son and girlfriend were killed in an automobile accident. July 23, 2009 we lost one of my aunts and this year July 23, we lost another aunt.

Today, I went with my parents (Paul didn't go, he not ready for a funeral) to my aunts funeral. I went to the visitation on Monday night and boy was I nervous about going to that, but I did okay. However, I did not go up to the casket. I sat in the back of the room with my cousin. This is the first funeral home I've gone to since Carly's funeral; 15months ago. But today, well it was a totally different story. I thought I was going to get through it okay. I sat down, while my parents, brother and sister in-law went to see the family. I was alright. Even when the service started I was alright, but...when they played a song, I lost it. The song was, In The Garden, it was one of the 6 songs played at Carly's funeral. OMG, I wasn't sure I would be able to stop crying. I really was NOT expecting to have that kind of reaction. As the service went on, I got settled down and then the pastor said it was time for another song. I sat there thinking..I can get out of here, the door is only a few feet away from where we're setting. I wasn't sure what I would do, had another one of the songs played during Carly's funeral, came over the speakers. I wanted to bolt out the door before it started, but just couldn't make myself move. So, I sat there. Thankfully it was a song that I had never heard before.

There will never be a "right" time to go to a funeral. That stands true for everyone. But, it can not be avoided forever. I suppose I will always have that 'twinge' whenever I step foot in a funeral home. Not that I've ever liked going to a funeral, but it's just different now. I will likely cry over a similar service, song, prayer..etc. Although, I really should have thought about songs being played. I should have prepared myself a little more, but I was busy trying to convince myself that I could get through it. And you know what? I got through it. I managed. And I was able to give some comfort, if only just a little, along with some support to my cousins and my uncle, just like they did for us when we lost Carly.

As for my "ugly pair of shoes" they hurt like HELL....

Basement People and Balcony People

2011-07-26T22:00:00.005-04:00