Oh the quietness, it is deafening. What I wouldn't give to hear Carly yelling at the top of her lungs, "Mama. MAMA. MAAAAMMMAAA" What I wouldn't give to hear that glorious laugh of hers. A laugh that made everyone around her laugh too. The quietness is deafening.
Gone are the days that our sweet girl would be blasting out her boom box to Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez or Trisha Yearwood Christmas CD, oh how Carly LOVED that Christmas CD. It was a year round thing! Gone are the days when my sweet girl would laugh and laugh at me when I would get the hiccups...which is often.
Sleep does not come easy for me. I just can't fall to sleep. Eventually, I nod off, usually around 3am. I have yet to sleep in my bed. Our bed, which was shared with Carly and Paul. Paul, well...he feels closer to Carly by sleeping in our bed. Me, I just can't bring myself to lay down and know that she is not laying between us. Evenings are terrible. Bedtime rituals that should be being done, are no more. The quietness is deafening.
Morning comes and I can barely roll off the couch. I hate the morning. It's a reminder that I should be getting my 8 year old fed and ready for first grade. So, I lay there. For several hours. Finally managing to get myself up. It's usually around 11.
Everything reminds us of Carly, as it should I suppose. When it rains..we think of her. She would be flipping the bird to each window in the house. She didn't care for rain. When the sun is shining we are reminded.... she would get so excited and sign, "sunshine". The wind blows, and we think of how she hated her hair blowing in her face. She always had those darn wispy hairs that drove her nuts.
Our house is full, from one end to the other with Carly's toys, music CD's, books etc. Oh, how we miss her "reading" her books. She would run to me and tell me, "All books mama". That meant, she wanted me to get a whole stack of books from her bookshelf and carry them to the couch, where she would sit and "read" for hours. When she would finish with one stack, she'd yell, "All done, more books". And it would continue for hours on end. The quietness is deafening.
We miss her more and more each day. We go often to her grave. It's the most horrific feeling. A feeling that I am sure, will never leave me. I know everyone claims the pain will lessen. I honestly, do not see that happening. Carly was my entire world. It's like part of me died along with her that day. A day that still seems so surreal.
The quietness is deafening.
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