"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Quietness is Deafening.

Oh the quietness, it is deafening. What I wouldn't give to hear Carly yelling at the top of her lungs, "Mama. MAMA. MAAAAMMMAAA" What I wouldn't give to hear that glorious laugh of hers. A laugh that made everyone around her laugh too. The quietness is deafening.

Gone are the days that our sweet girl would be blasting out her boom box to Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez or Trisha Yearwood Christmas CD, oh how Carly LOVED that Christmas CD. It was a year round thing! Gone are the days when my sweet girl would laugh and laugh at me when I would get the hiccups...which is often.

Sleep does not come easy for me. I just can't fall to sleep. Eventually, I nod off, usually around 3am. I have yet to sleep in my bed. Our bed, which was shared with Carly and Paul. Paul, well...he feels closer to Carly by sleeping in our bed. Me, I just can't bring myself to lay down and know that she is not laying between us. Evenings are terrible. Bedtime rituals that should be being done, are no more. The quietness is deafening.

Morning comes and I can barely roll off the couch. I hate the morning. It's a reminder that I should be getting my 8 year old fed and ready for first grade. So, I lay there. For several hours. Finally managing to get myself up. It's usually around 11.

Everything reminds us of Carly, as it should I suppose. When it rains..we think of her. She would be flipping the bird to each window in the house. She didn't care for rain. When the sun is shining we are reminded.... she would get so excited and sign, "sunshine". The wind blows, and we think of how she hated her hair blowing in her face. She always had those darn wispy hairs that drove her nuts.

Our house is full, from one end to the other with Carly's toys, music CD's, books etc. Oh, how we miss her "reading" her books. She would run to me and tell me, "All books mama". That meant, she wanted me to get a whole stack of books from her bookshelf and carry them to the couch, where she would sit and "read" for hours. When she would finish with one stack, she'd yell, "All done, more books". And it would continue for hours on end. The quietness is deafening.

We miss her more and more each day. We go often to her grave. It's the most horrific feeling. A feeling that I am sure, will never leave me. I know everyone claims the pain will lessen. I honestly, do not see that happening. Carly was my entire world. It's like part of me died along with her that day. A day that still seems so surreal.

The quietness is deafening.

28 comments:

Suzie and Lily said...

While I am laughing at the vision of Carly flipping the bird at the rain my tears are falling for you. I can't begin to imagine...

Kristen's mom said...

I can not even begin to comprehend what you must be feeling. Know that many many many are thinking of you and praying for you daily. I can't help but notice the similarities between Carly and Kristen. She loves all the Disney teenage girls too, and the Christmas music makes me smile. The wind and rain are also not Kristen's favorite. Every time it rains she stands at the door and sings, "Rain rain go away come again another day." Wish I could do something to help.

Tammy said...

Oh my this is such an horrible event in our lives. Her voice rings through my head as I read this, the tears are flowing down my face like a river. Carly was my own personal strength that I used everyday to get through the tuff stuff. I wish I could just take some of you pain and I will my dear friend all you have to do is put it on my shoulders and I will bear it with you. I really feel as though I have gained the most preciou guardian angel I know she is there I feel her, you wil know it to as soon as you start feeling better I love you just like the song says Keep the faith just as our Carly did.

Regina said...

I am so sorry for your pain. I pray that the Lord will be with you and help you go on. I can't pretend to even know what you are feeling or going through. I can only imagine. Just know that you will see your sweet girl again. She will be waiting with open arms on the other side. But until then, I hope and pray you and your family will be able to find some peace.

Rochelle said...

We are praying for you and Paul daily. We can't know your pain but, we surely can be here to help you through it.

Cammie Heflin said...

Hugs to you Joany I absolutely cannot imagine what you are feeling. I didn't even know Carly in real life but I felt like I did and I miss her little grin and stories. You do what you need to do to grieve, everyone has their own way.

The Sanchez Family said...

Oh my heart aches for you. Remember her often, let it bring a smile to your face. She will live on in your memories and she will always look out for you from Heaven above. I'm praying for you.

Bulldogma said...

You and your family are in my prayers. Of course you must mourn... but please try not to let this consume you. Carly wouldn't want that, I am sure.

Someday soon it will come to you... there is something out there that needs you to start it... something that will benefit others. Something that will make you proud, and that you will know would make Carly proud.

I am praying that you will find it soon, and that whatever "it" is, it will help ease your heart ache.

Hugs -

The VW's said...

I can't even imagine! I wish that I could change all of this for you! I think of your family often throughout the day and you are always in my prayers! Love and Hugs!!!

Savina Pernisco said...

Please Don't Cry

Publisher:Dawn Glenton

Please don't sit round my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.
What makes you think that I would leave?
I'm with you mum, so please don't grieve.
Our bond on earth was much too strong,
Our love will carry on and on...
I'm with you as you go to bed,
I plant sweet kisses on your head.
I'm in the wind, the rain, the snow,
I'm with you everywhere you go.
Please don't cry mummy, can't you see?
I'm safe my spirit soars, I'm free.


I hope writing of your memories will bring you comfort and help you stay close to her. remembering with a smile and not sobs. I am sure she loves to hear you laugh. go lay in the bed with your husband remember the feeling of Carly there and her smell. the way her little legs probably wrapped around your legs or kicked you in the booty! She would want you there in the bed now. maybe you will feel her presence there more than anywhere else. I cry for you, joany, i think about it and my heart physicaly hurts........i cant imagine how painful it must be for you. your daughters pic will forever make me smile when i look at her joyful face. she just radiates happiness. take care and know you are thought of constantly.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

I think about you guys and carly all of the time and cannot imagine what you guys are going through!!! i laughed as i had tears in my eyes while reading about carly flipping the bird to the rain and also to the emt who came just before the ambulance arrived and sticking her tongue out at the emts in the ambulance! i am just so sorry for your loss, it is an indescribable loss!!! thinking of you tons and hoping more memories of carly and her "little stinker" ways can put smiles on your faces!!!

Bethany said...

Joany ... continuing to think of you guys and pray for healing. I cannot even fathom what you are going through ... I don't know how I'd go on either. I know there is nothing that anyone can say that will make you feel better, so just know how much love and support you have.

Bethany said...

BTW I just gotta say the flipping the bird thing cracks me up! :)

JennyH said...

I love still hearing stories about Carly. I don't know how I would go on either. Prayers are with you.

Sasha said...

Oh I am so thinking of you and sending you hugs and more hugs. I don't have any advice for you. I can barely deal with my mom's passing 3 months ago. Just take it day by day and don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself whatever you find that gives you comfort. I still love you talking about Carly and the stories. Like all of her music that she listened too.

Tina said...

I know that there's nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel even a tiny bit better, what you are going through is unimaginable, it's totally unthinkable for any parent, and this is the hardest part, going back to simply living, going through the motions of everyday, but doing all this without seeing your little baby around you all the time. The emptiness must be killing with everything around you reminding you of Carly makes it worse right now. But it's so crucial towards your healing, you have to see the things that remind you of her and you will feel the pain, and like everyone says, the pain will get better one day, that one day will come however far it may seem right now.

I continue to think of you daily and I know all the prayers in the world won't change anything for you but I do hope it touches you gives you just that little comfort in some far off corner of your heart, knowing that so many people in the world are parying for your healing. Take it one day at a time and however hard it may be but try not to relive that day too many times, think of only the wonderful things about Carly and do whatever you think might give you some comfort, spend time with your family and friends and don't sit around the house too much. I know all things easier said than done and I do know this must be the hardest thing you are having to do in your life, but you do need to find a way of coping a way that will be possible for you, you need to take care of yourself.

I hope you will continue to share your feelings the way you have been, it's so important not to keep them bottled up, and we are all here as many many shoulders to cry on Joany, never feel you cannot turn to us, your very own extended family. I have you in my prayers always.

Cory said...

{{HUGS}} :-( Sending prayers!

B. McKenzie said...

Praying for you dear friend. Praying, praying, praying.

Bettina Lyons Lilly said...

Oh Joany - I'm over here in tears. Praying and thinking of you.

Heather said...

Sending you love and prayers of peace and strength in all of your quiet moments Joany.wishing there were something,anything,I could do for you or say to you but knowing in the end,there is nothing.Just know we are all here for you and will continues to be as you find your way through the silence.

Kelly said...

You must grieve to HEAL.....and you will, when YOU are ready. Continued prayers for you and your family!

The Colvins said...

We have never met but I am a Ds mom too. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that there are many people out there, even strangers, who are holding you, your husband and children, before God, asking for peace and strength. May He comfort you as only He can.

Angi said...

I wish there were words to make the pain lessen just a bit, but I know there are none. I keep thinking of the morning you wrote of rocking her for 2 hours...it makes me smile to picture you, so happy, doing just what you were supposed to be doing at that moment. I will hug my babies just a little tighter, and smile when the screams of "MAMA" pierce through our house, I wish I could send you a hug, the peace will come...

Susan Berg said...

How is it possible for a bright star such as Carly, to bring you great laughter and tears of sadness in one fell swoop.

Well that is the true nature of Carly, to bring utter joy in the moments of despair, life altering despair for her loving family and her family of followers that have shared in her success, her hardships and her ability to make everyone around her smile.

Joany, I think of you every night as I go into my own bed and feel your loss at not having Carly physically in the bed with you and Paul.

I think of you when the sun rises and your longing for that good morning charm that Carly has always possessed.

I think of you in the middle of the day, wondering what you are doing and how you are doing.

To say that I am in deep prayer for you is an understatement, every breath and thought that I have, surrounds you and your family with prayer, love and the courage for you to get through each day.

God Bless, Susan and The Bunch of Bergs

Lori said...

We continue to lift you and your family up in prayer. May God hold you and comfort you like no other can.

Little Liam said...

The prayers continue and it is with much hope that I wish comfort to you in the days to come...healing thoughts to you now as you deal with the most cruelest of times.

Jasmine said...

Holding you tight. Hugs. xox

Windmills and Tulips

Michelle said...

I can't even imagine how deafening the quiet is - especially when she was so suddenly taken from your lives and how the routines that once were are no more. Thank you for continuing to write about Carly; I can't imagine its easy.