"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Just for the record

I want you all to know, that my venting is not directed at any of you blogger friends or facebook friends. Every one of you have been so very supportive. Please don't feel like you have to walk around on egg shells while reading my posts and trying to decide if you should comment or not. Surprisingly, comments do help me. As do comments and private messages on FB. They help me more than any of you could imagine.

Honestly, I do understand that people don't know what to say and that often times things come out completely the wrong way. I get that. However, I've had several people who do ask me stupid questions. Questions which are phrased in ways that would actually make your chins hit the floor. The best example that I can come up with for you would be, going to your 25th High School reunion and seeing good friends that you hadn't seen in 25yrs. Those friends who walk up to you and unknowingly ask, in a happy go lucky kind of way, "Hey, how's life been". Okay, that wouldn't bother me as much. I don't think , who knows at this point. But, when phrased in that manner by people who do know, well that just irks me. And Eldiva, if you're reading this,,,,it's not about your brothers. They asked me in a completely different manner. And they were very sincere and they were giving me big ole bear hugs at the same time.

One of the first things that the funeral home director told us to expect, were stupid comments. He said that often times people don't know what to say and say the completely wrong thing. He said for us to let those comments go in one ear and out the other. The only stupid comment that I heard (except that I couldn't remember because my head was so jumbled) was; " You know most kids with Down syndrome don't live long anyway. At least you had her 8 years". I couldn't remember what this person had said exactly and so I mentioned it to Paul and my parents, one night soon after the funeral. My dad pipped up and said, "I know what that person said", and he went on to tell me word for word what had come out of this lady's mouth. All I could say after I found out was, "It's a good thing my head was so jumbled, I may have decked the lady right there in the funeral home" .

I've been working on a post since the beginning of June. I hope to get it finished soon. It's just a tough one for me. I'll give you all a hint.....We paid one last visit to Carly's elementary school the week before school got out for summer break. It was a very emotional day and it's proven to make for a hard post to get through. I will eventually get it finished.

So, just for the record...my venting is never about any comments made to me from any of my online friends!

15 comments:

Karol said...

Here's one of the "best" comments we've had since Laynee went to be with Jesus......"Well, at least she doesn't have Down Syndrome anymore." My husband, bless his heart, responded with "I think maybe everyone in heaven has DS since they are the ones who know how to love the best." I've gotten pretty good at comebacks that aren't really mean but give them just a hint that maybe what they said was somewhere along the lines of ignorant. ;-)

Kristen said...

I've been thinking about you as you are forced to find a way to navigate yourself through your days without your precious Carly. *hugs*

JennyH said...

I'll be waiting for that post. I'm sure is it very heart-felt.

I'm sure a lot of people don't know what to say. I would say they don't want to 'hurt' you and try to avoid it.

I can't believe that comment from the lady ....they don't live long.... WOW! I wonder if she had her foot in her mouth later?!

take care of yourself. You're always on my mind.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

still thinking about you guys TONS! quick sand is a very good analogy (I can only imagine) we are still saying prayers at night before bed with the girls and keeping carly and you all in our prayers. anne is so sweet when she prays for carly - she says "and for my friend carly in heaven and her family". sending hugs and strength (if you can send that via blogger comments) to you!!!

my family said...

Oh Joany, I wish you didnt feel that you have to expain your feelings. I know what you mean about stupid questions. I remember when I was pregnant and found out W "probably" had ds...my favorite comment came from someone in the family...."Oh, well at least you have three healthy/normal kids."
Ok so after 3 its all good for something to be "wrong" I would think, little did I know how wonderful the ds world really is
People usually mean well but the words come out wrong.
We love you and it istotally ok to vent...anytime.

Looking forward to the new post

Kelly said...

Perfect analogy. Continuous thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

To Love Endlessly said...

We continue to pray. I lost a child through miscarriage, never met the baby but loved her before ever meeting her. I can't even imagine the heartache you feel having met and fallen completely in love with your beautiful girl. Those stupid comments, people just seem to be looking for the right thing to say, they need to not say anything at all.

Joyce said...

Hi Joany, I am so wrapped up in the construction at the store I have not had much time to comment lately although I check in every morning to see how you are doing. I just read your comment for Polly and wanted to express my admiration that you are reaching out to others in their time of need at the same time you are deeply grieving for your precious Carly. I feel so blessed to have this amazing community of blogging mom's, most of whom I've never met, but somehow feel closer to than many of my Cleveland friends who I see every week. I'm not often sure what to say, but I think of you so often throughout the day. Hugs!!!

水慧 said...

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Team Carter Jay said...

I can so relate to this post. I need to do one that is similar. A few days after my little Carter went to heaven, my neighbor called and told me that if my house was too quiet without Carter here, she'd send her kids over at any time. Ummm. I don't think I want to babysit right now, but thanks. My little guy passed away soon after Carly, so if you ever want to talk...you can email me at teamcarterjay at gmail dot com . I think we may be able to help each other along. <3 <3

Team Carter Jay said...

I can so relate to this post. I need to do one that is similar. A few days after my little Carter went to heaven, my neighbor called and told me that if my house was too quiet without Carter here, she'd send her kids over at any time. Ummm. I don't think I want to babysit right now, but thanks. My little guy passed away soon after Carly, so if you ever want to talk...you can email me at teamcarterjay at gmail dot com . I think we may be able to help each other along. <3 <3

Trisha Larson said...

Dear Carly's sweet mama-

I just found your blog and I am so sorry that your sweet girl was taked from you too soon.

I have a precious son in Heaven also.

Since our son's death 2+ years ago (heart defect), all but one of our friends and all of our family have walked away from us. They also made horrible comments (we've heard it all) and told us that they didn't know what to do so they didn't do anything.

I have found so much support from this wonderful blogging community and I hope that you will too.

Sending my love to you during what I KNOW to be a miserable time in your life.

Hugs,
Trisha

Anonymous said...

People really do mean well, and there is no situation more emotional and touchy than the death of a child. Honestly, the comments do not come from a mean-spirited place - just one of having no clue what the "right" thing to say is. It's hard for people to talk about this kind of tragedy, and often times they are so afraid of accidentally offending that they don't say anything at all. I'm not sure which is worse - awkward, ill-timed comments or silence.

Please consider getting one-on-one therapy. It saved my cousin's life - she was like you. Her son was killed suddenly in an accident and it destroyed her, of course. Literally could not get out of bed, could not function. We were so terrified that we were going to lose a second family member. Like you, she had other kids that were depending on her and as much as she wanted to, she couldn't manage. Her therapist was a gift from God, and helped her work through the grief and pain. And no, she never went back to exactly the way it was before Josh was killed. She did not just pick up and carry on as though nothing happened. But she was able to move ahead with purpose, peace and a sense that she was going to be okay, and that she could live side-by-side with the deep sense of loss and still have a happy, joyful life. Please consider it. I don't know how anyone gets through such a tragedy without the help of a really good grief counselor. The process of coming to a healing place is painful, and often it's hard to find the motivation to embark on the journey, but it is so worth it in the end. You deserve to have a good, happy, abundant life, even though you will always miss your child so much. But you have to fight for it.

Peace be with you and your family. I am so very sorry this happened.

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