"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Why?

Seems like the word "why", keeps popping into my everyday life now. I hate that word. Likely because there is no answer to it. Every single day, I sit and think to myself, "why"?

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Why did a seemingly healthy, precious little 8 year old, suddenly die?

Why were there no warning signs that anything was going on with her heart?

Why didn't that ambulance get her to UofM?

Why could the ambulance only get her to a small community hospital?

Why didn't things go differently in that ambulance?

Why didn't I climb in to that ambulance with Paul?

Why am I left, here to go on without her?

Why should we even attempt to go on?

Why bother getting up each day?

Why eat?

Why sleep?

Why not sleep?

Why can't I sleep?

Why don't I cry as often as Paul?

Why does he cry as often as he does?

Why do I feel guilty for not crying?

Why do I feel guilty when I do cry?

Why do I try to hide my tears?

Why can't I watch video's of Carly?

Why does the sound of her voice on those video's bother me so?

Why, if there is a God, didn't he save my precious girl?

Why, if there is a God, did he do this to our family?

Why do people avoid us?

Why do people think we should be 'getting back to normal'?

Why? Why? Why?

A question that we never seem to get an actual answer to. Guess that's "Why", I hate it so!

11 comments:

Heather said...

I so wish I had the answers for you Joany.I so wish that I could find the words for you right now as you continue in your grieving and yearning for your sweet girl.I have to hold on to the belief that one day all of our questions will be answered and that one day the events of our lives will come together in this perfect understanding of the senseless "why's".

I know your faith is shaken and broken but hold on,even by your fingertips,and the rest of us who love you, will lift you,as you navigate this unfair and cruel road.

You are never far from thought and you remain in my nightly prayers,sending you strength for the journey.


*Jessica and Taylor,redid the blog.Nothing fancy.Nothing professional but a nice change.If you want to redo yours,put a few ideas together,a picture of Carly,maybe a quote and I will have them put something together.I am certain there are others out there,way more versed on blog design that would love to do it for you but if your interested just drop me a line and I'll get the girls working on it.

陳吳孟木吳孟木湘枝 said...

絕不要羞於承認自己不知道的事。..................................................

Kristen said...

You were on my mind yesterday. I couldn't stop thinking about you and praying for you yesterday evening.

Those dreadful "why" questions...they're haunting and plaguing. But somehow are considered normal in such a situation. Crazy to think that's true when it feels anything but normal. I so badly wish your Carly was still with your family here.

Thank you for the sweet compliments you left me in my blog comment section today. I am 3 months pregnant, in my last week of the 1st trimester. You are right, I am not really showing it yet. I can tell my belly has grown but to others they can't seem to tell yet.

The Munck Family said...

Why? a powerful word, with no comfort and no end! Praying for you and all the whys that haunt your thoughts, may God give you peace.
Laura

Bulldogma said...

Crying with you... HUGS!!

Lacey said...

Joany, once again I have no words of wisdom, just that I know that I would be exactly where you are if I lose Jax. Sometimes I think he would be free of this pain, but then my mind jumps back in and screams at the top of its lungs...you can't have him, he's mine!
Love you joany

Cindy said...

I wish there were words that could remove your pain and answer your questions. You remain in our thoughts and prayers.

Tina said...

I can understand having all these questions, questions that don't really have any answers, I wish there were sone but.... I hope one day it can make sense, although this is something that's hard to ever make any sense of. Why would this happen, for what possible reason, how can that ever make sense.

Everytime I open my blog page and see Carly's sweet face I just can't stop thinking about how unfair this world can be and the question 'why' keeps coming up for me as well. I know life seems impossible to go on with right now but there is no hurry to get back to "normalcy" you will do what you can do when you are ready. If people expect you to be normal, perhaps they don't know what it feels like to lose a part of yourself.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers. Sending love and hugs

Cathy said...

Thinking of you so so much...
Cry! Cry Hard! She is worth it!!

Jenna Wheeler said...

I cannot even imagine the pain and never ending what if's you are suffering. Losing one of my children is my GREATEST fear. My heart goes out to you. I have found your blog from the Naretto's blog, which I found from my sister's blog, Jackie Henry. My nephew is Asa and has Down Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis. He's such an incredibly wonderful kid.

I also noted your daughter Ashleigh is doing a fundraiser, has this happened yet? Funny thing, my daughter's name is Ashleigh as well.

I'm not a religious person, but our grandmother passed away last Friday. She left 13 grandchildren and 17 great grandchildren, and I have to think there are many many many wonderful and loving people such as her in Heaven that left their own loved ones on earth and our lost angels are now in their arms watching over us.

JennyH said...

We are all asking "why" as well. It is not fair.

I think I missed something somewhere... Was it Carly's heart that caused her death? If you don't want to answer that, that is fine with me.

I know your "whys" will not be answered but I hope someday it does get a little easier for you.