"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

What is there left to say?

I come to my blog quite often, but can't bring myself to sit and actually type. What is there left to say? This blog was created and focused mostly on and for Carly. Our life with her. Our struggles with her. Her never ending school issues. The constant doctor appointments. I wrote of her accomplishments and her milestones. Quite a bit of bragging has gone on here too. So now what? What is there left to say?

About the only thing on my mind now is how much I miss her. I never knew the ache inside that I know now. It's a physical ache. Unless you've shared in the loss of a child, you'll never understand it. Paul and I talk quite often of this ache, and how we never knew a person could actually ache and hurt so badly, from the inside out.

As for Paul, well,,he isn't doing good at all. He is extremely depressed and crying all the time. Sometimes, I get angry that he is crying so much. Why am I not crying that much? Don't get me wrong, I do cry and I cry often, but Paul will cry for hours upon hours. I told him yesterday that he is going to have to get back to the doctor and ask for a different antidepressant or an additional one.

Ashleigh, she feels pretty much the same way Paul and I feel. An unbelievable ache inside. She is a very strong girl. Keeps a pretty even keel on things. But the loss of her little sister is killing her. As you all know, those two girls were extremely close to each other. Ashleigh fights to remember the last weekend they had together. They had so much fun. It was 2 weeks before we lost Carly. Ashleigh is very angry that she couldn't get to the hospital that god awful day in April. There was just no way, she lived 1 1/2 hrs away. She is angry that the first time in two weeks that she saw Carly, was lying in that damn funeral home. Our girls were something else. Ashleigh was more like a second mom to Carly. Even though distance kept them apart for weeks on end. Their bond was one of a very special kind.

Brad, well what can I say about Brad? He's Brad. Holds things in as he always has. He misses Carly too, although he doesn't want to talk about it. Which worries us to no end.. Carly and Brad had a very unique relationship. He was her "Bubba"! Every single day, often times multiple times a day, Brad and Carly did the 'high five's'. That was their thing. Due to Carly's left arm/hand issues, she had a harder time giving a high five with her left hand. But, big brother wouldn't let her slide. He made her high five him with both hands. She would do it every time. But, sometimes Carly would be so mad at him...because she would just as soon NOT have used her left arm/hand.... after Brad would walk away, she'd flip him the bird!

I've had such a hard time with school starting. I should have been able to go school clothes shopping for my girl. I missed taking that first day of school picture this year. Of course having the school bus stop at my driveway every afternoon for 2 straight weeks didn't help me either. In fact, it just about pushed me over the edge. Why on earth would that damn bus stop at my driveway? That entire school knew of Carly's passing. I told Ashleigh, "if that damn bus doesn't quit stopping at our driveway, I'm going postal on someone". Well, they finally did stop. Nothing like sticking a dagger straight into my heart and giving it a good twist.

We have knew neighbors now. After the house sat empty for over a year..You might know, they have 2 little girls. We haven't had neighbors with kids in about 16 years. One girl is Carly's age and in the 2nd grade, just as Carly would be. The other is 5 and in kindergarten. You can't imagine how it kills me hearing those little girls playing outside every afternoon. Oh how Carly would have loved these little girls. Playmates. Something she never had. Her only playmates were her school friends.

Night time is terrible for me. Well, so are mornings and afternoons too. But at night, as I lay down, my mind goes into a mode that I can only describe as a "life before my eyes" type of thing, only it's on fast forward and it's all about Carly. Her entire life goes spinning around in my brain. I sleep with one of her blankets and one of her pillows. When I actually do fall asleep that is.

Every time I would rock Carly, and we rocked every day... I would breathe her in. Probably sounds corny, but that's what I did. I loved her scent. Except when chemo was going on... that was all I could smell at that time...all those nasty toxic drugs! But I swear I couldn't breathe in enough of her. I miss that. I don't want to forget Carly's scent. I pick things up and smell them now, just trying to pick up her scent.

This house is definitely not the same. Some people think we should sell it and move away. But where would we go? We've thought about it, for a brief second, but then again, we don't want to. Home is where Carly was the happiest. Home was her favorite place to be. Don't get me wrong, she loved to be on the go, but when she wanted to go home, she let us know it. And we'd best be quick about it. As we sit and look around our home, it's still filled with all of Carly's things. With the exception of her kitchen set and art easel, we took those out when Ashleigh moved back home over the summer. Our house is just so small, that we HAD to get those big items out of here. But, I didn't part with them, they are at my parents house. Actually, I wanted to donate them to Mott Children's Hospital, but they wouldn't take them because they were used. Makes me angry, because they are like brand knew! Regardless of those things being gone, our house is still full of her toys, clothing, bazillion books and color books, etc.. Some people think we should box her stuff up. But I can't do that yet. I know that it bothers Ashleigh seeing all of Carly's things. But I'm not ready. I don't want to erase Carly from this house.

So, bear with me as I try to get through this horrible time in my life. I have been checking several blogs that I follow. Trying to get back into the lives of all my online friends who have given me so much support. Dare I say, more than most of my in real life friends have given me. Which is very sad too. Guess I'll end on that note, because really, what is there left to say?

16 comments:

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

i cry every time i read about what you guys are going through! it is so awful (and that word doesn't even come close to describing it!) i am just so sorry for all that you guys are going through and continue to go through! life is so unfair it seems and so hard to understand at times! thinking of you!!!

Anonymous said...

There are no consoling words for such a tremendous loss but you are in my thoughts very often. You make me appreciate every second I have with ruby. My heart aches for you x

The Munck Family said...

Not even sure what to say, because anything that comes to mind seems so inadequate. My prayers are with you for healing and peace. Each time I think of Carly, I see her sweet smile.

Laura

my family said...

words mean nothing they are just simple words and can not express how I feel for you and your family...just know you are on my mind often and I pray for peace for you, Paul A and B.
{hugs} my friend

Amy L said...

Joany,
My heart aches for you. I pray for you everyday and even though we haven't met, I wanted you to know that Carly and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristen said...

I always read your words with such a deep feeling of tenderness and ache for you. It makes me think of the day back in May when Cayman coded and for two minutes she was dead. We almost knew the kind of reality that you do and I am so sorry you do not have your sweet Carly to hold and take in her life with a freshness each day. I am crying with you, grieving with you. I pull my Cayman in closer to me and just ache that you can't be doing the same with your Carly. So much love, compassion, and prayers I send you.

Tina said...

I think of you so very often, and ask God to help you find peace somehow someday, I know that is not an easy think to find for you and that ache for Carly will never go, but your mind needs to rest at some point so that you are able to live. I am so very sorry and sad that you and Paul and the kids have to go through what you are going through, why things happen the way they do is so hard to understand or explain, there are really no answers. Sending you love and prayers of healing.

stephanie said...

When I read your words i feel a sorrow maybe only a mother can understand. and I feel an ache. Your words convey your pain so vividly.

I can picture your house and Carly's things, i couldn't pack anything up either.

i feel your anger when you write about that freakin bus! and your heart ache about your new neighbors.And what I feel is a drop in the ocean to what you and paul and the kids are feeling.

i'm hanging with you Joanie. I don't always comment but i'm always here. You are always in my prayers and on my mind.

The VW's said...

After reading your words yesterday, I tried to (the closest that I possible could) put myself "in your shoes." I looked around our house and saw all of Gavin's things and I tried to imagine how difficult it would be to go on without him here. I could hardly breathe, as I tried to feel the way that you must feel every day without Carly.

I can only imagine how painful this would be, but doing this was enough for me to know that your family is facing the most sufficating pain that there is! I know that you are angry with God....and even though I believe that He has a purpose in everything....I know that I would have anger too. But...know that I think of you and pray for you.....since you probably aren't able to do this for yourself right now. I pray that God will ease your pain, give you strength, peace, support and grace.....someday very soon!

About a month ago our family drove through Ann Arbor and I really wanted to stop by Carly's gravesite and leave her and you a note and flowers, but I didn't know how to find out where it was. Just know that you and she are thought of often, and that your sweet girl truly lives on in heaven and in other's hearts!

Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

Wembley Fraggle said...

I've never posted a comment on your blog before but I knew I had to today. First - I am so sorry for your loss. Carly sounds like such a sweet girl and I'm so sorry that she isn't with you physically now. Second - I understand how you feel about not wanting to pack her things away. I lost my father a few years back and my Mom struggled with "getting rid of" his things but I kept reminding her that nobody can MAKE her give those things away and nobody that cares would try. You will do those things if you are ready and not a second sooner. I also wanted to say that although it's hard please keep going. Carly would want that & I'm sure that the people around you want you to keep going too. Not get over it - you can't "get over" losing someone - you learn to live with it.
That may make no sense, but I want you to know that I'm here for you even though we've never met. Each day I stop by your blog and just want to send you a huge hug. Take care! Sending hugs.

Anonymous said...

my heart breaks for all of you, I can't imagine what you are going through. I just want you to know I think of you guys often, and your beautiful little girl. You are all in my prayers.

JennyH said...

That would be such a hard thing to do. I don't think I would be ready to pack up stuff either.

I'm glad you still blog. I'm sure it is hard but I also hope it helps you at times.

Kristen's mom said...

I'm liking new look here. I love that picture of Carly. Kristen's room is pretty much as she left it. I dust and vacuum it often. In the corner where her chair is, is where I still sit every night. I sat there when she was here and I still do. The only difference is the floor around the chair is covered with books, pictures and other reading material. Every night I sit there and read. I love the feeling in her room. It is bright, cheery and peaceful. Kristen was picky about the lights. SHe always wanted her lamp on even in the day time and at night a night light on. So every morning I go in her room turn off the night light and turn on her lamp. At night I turn off the lamp and turn on the night light. It's kinda funny, Her light is always on. When I come home at night the house might be dark,but her room is always lit up.
Someone asked me, only 2 weeks after she passed away, if I had packed up her things. I was surprised by such a question. Of course I haven't. We don't need her room so I don't think I ever will. Her desk in the family room is a little different. I'll share pictures of that soon. It's sacred ground to me so I have to be careful what I do with her little corner.
I think of you every day.

Ange Aguirre said...

Really, there is nothing left to say. My heart simply breaks while reading this. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you feel.

Forget what everyone else thinks, I would most likely carry around Emily's blanket everywhere.

I want you to know that there really is not a day that goes by that Carly doesn't cross my mind. My thoughts are with you as always.

Googsmom said...

Love you!!!

Michelle said...

I want to tell you how much my heart aches for you, and how much I miss coming here and reading about Carly and how her day went and seeing new pictures. But I know its nothing compared to the ache you feel. I don't think I would be ready to box up her things either; I would still want all those things around the house as well... I don't blame you one bit in your thinking on that. You're still in my prayers.