I come to my blog quite often, but can't bring myself to sit and actually type. What is there left to say? This blog was created and focused mostly on and for Carly. Our life with her. Our struggles with her. Her never ending school issues. The constant doctor appointments. I wrote of her accomplishments and her milestones. Quite a bit of bragging has gone on here too. So now what? What is there left to say?
About the only thing on my mind now is how much I miss her. I never knew the ache inside that I know now. It's a physical ache. Unless you've shared in the loss of a child, you'll never understand it. Paul and I talk quite often of this ache, and how we never knew a person could actually ache and hurt so badly, from the inside out.
As for Paul, well,,he isn't doing good at all. He is extremely depressed and crying all the time. Sometimes, I get angry that he is crying so much. Why am I not crying that much? Don't get me wrong, I do cry and I cry often, but Paul will cry for hours upon hours. I told him yesterday that he is going to have to get back to the doctor and ask for a different antidepressant or an additional one.
Ashleigh, she feels pretty much the same way Paul and I feel. An unbelievable ache inside. She is a very strong girl. Keeps a pretty even keel on things. But the loss of her little sister is killing her. As you all know, those two girls were extremely close to each other. Ashleigh fights to remember the last weekend they had together. They had so much fun. It was 2 weeks before we lost Carly. Ashleigh is very angry that she couldn't get to the hospital that god awful day in April. There was just no way, she lived 1 1/2 hrs away. She is angry that the first time in two weeks that she saw Carly, was lying in that damn funeral home. Our girls were something else. Ashleigh was more like a second mom to Carly. Even though distance kept them apart for weeks on end. Their bond was one of a very special kind.
Brad, well what can I say about Brad? He's Brad. Holds things in as he always has. He misses Carly too, although he doesn't want to talk about it. Which worries us to no end.. Carly and Brad had a very unique relationship. He was her "Bubba"! Every single day, often times multiple times a day, Brad and Carly did the 'high five's'. That was their thing. Due to Carly's left arm/hand issues, she had a harder time giving a high five with her left hand. But, big brother wouldn't let her slide. He made her high five him with both hands. She would do it every time. But, sometimes Carly would be so mad at him...because she would just as soon NOT have used her left arm/hand.... after Brad would walk away, she'd flip him the bird!
I've had such a hard time with school starting. I should have been able to go school clothes shopping for my girl. I missed taking that first day of school picture this year. Of course having the school bus stop at my driveway every afternoon for 2 straight weeks didn't help me either. In fact, it just about pushed me over the edge. Why on earth would that damn bus stop at my driveway? That entire school knew of Carly's passing. I told Ashleigh, "if that damn bus doesn't quit stopping at our driveway, I'm going postal on someone". Well, they finally did stop. Nothing like sticking a dagger straight into my heart and giving it a good twist.
We have knew neighbors now. After the house sat empty for over a year..You might know, they have 2 little girls. We haven't had neighbors with kids in about 16 years. One girl is Carly's age and in the 2nd grade, just as Carly would be. The other is 5 and in kindergarten. You can't imagine how it kills me hearing those little girls playing outside every afternoon. Oh how Carly would have loved these little girls. Playmates. Something she never had. Her only playmates were her school friends.
Night time is terrible for me. Well, so are mornings and afternoons too. But at night, as I lay down, my mind goes into a mode that I can only describe as a "life before my eyes" type of thing, only it's on fast forward and it's all about Carly. Her entire life goes spinning around in my brain. I sleep with one of her blankets and one of her pillows. When I actually do fall asleep that is.
Every time I would rock Carly, and we rocked every day... I would breathe her in. Probably sounds corny, but that's what I did. I loved her scent. Except when chemo was going on... that was all I could smell at that time...all those nasty toxic drugs! But I swear I couldn't breathe in enough of her. I miss that. I don't want to forget Carly's scent. I pick things up and smell them now, just trying to pick up her scent.
This house is definitely not the same. Some people think we should sell it and move away. But where would we go? We've thought about it, for a brief second, but then again, we don't want to. Home is where Carly was the happiest. Home was her favorite place to be. Don't get me wrong, she loved to be on the go, but when she wanted to go home, she let us know it. And we'd best be quick about it. As we sit and look around our home, it's still filled with all of Carly's things. With the exception of her kitchen set and art easel, we took those out when Ashleigh moved back home over the summer. Our house is just so small, that we HAD to get those big items out of here. But, I didn't part with them, they are at my parents house. Actually, I wanted to donate them to Mott Children's Hospital, but they wouldn't take them because they were used. Makes me angry, because they are like brand knew! Regardless of those things being gone, our house is still full of her toys, clothing, bazillion books and color books, etc.. Some people think we should box her stuff up. But I can't do that yet. I know that it bothers Ashleigh seeing all of Carly's things. But I'm not ready. I don't want to erase Carly from this house.
So, bear with me as I try to get through this horrible time in my life. I have been checking several blogs that I follow. Trying to get back into the lives of all my online friends who have given me so much support. Dare I say, more than most of my in real life friends have given me. Which is very sad too. Guess I'll end on that note, because really, what is there left to say?