"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I find myself wondering...

I find myself day dreaming quite a bit these past several months. Most recently, I day dream about how Carly would be today. Today, right now. November 17, 2010. Wondering how much she would have changed. How much she would have grown. I do this quite often. Sometimes I shouldn't, because I do it while I'm driving. Thankfully, I don't really go anywhere. Just to counseling every week and to the cemetery and to my parents. That's about the extent of my driving. Probably a good thing too, because of my day dreaming I've been known to cross the center line, hit the curbs while driving down a stupid main road of the town I go to counseling in and drive slow as a snail, only to speed up like a speed demon. Ashleigh can attest to my driving. I've been told, that people who are going through the grieving process, "should be extremely careful while driving.

The following is only a glimpse of what goes through my mind every single day..

how tall would Carly be today?

how long would her beautiful hair be?

how many new words would be in her vocabulary now?

what Carly would be doing today?

what would Carly's favorite TV show be now?

what would her favorite book be now?

what would her favorite toy be now?

would she be learning to read more words?

would she have taken off with her math skills?
as predicted by her teachers

what would she be learning at school?

what would she want from "Ho Ho" aka; Santa?
probably EVERYTHING advertised on TV!

would she have wanted to sit on "Ho Ho's" lap this year?
she wouldn't last year, she stood back and observed him!

what would her favorite song be now?

how would her looks have changed over the past 6 1/2 months?

but,

mostly

I'm

wondering

how

to

go

on

without

her

over

the

next

several

weeks...




7 comments:

Karol said...

One day, one moment, one breath at a time. It's our new way of life.

The VW's said...

I wish that you knew the answers to all those wonderings....I wish that Carly was still with you....I can't even imagine going through this time of year (or anytime of year) without one of my children. I wish that I knew the words to say to help to ease your pain....sending out Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

JennyH said...

I cry for the pain you have. You are living every parents worst nightmare. I hope knowing that there are so many people thinking and praying for you helps in some small way.

Maureen said...

You were so lucky to have Carly in your life even though it was painfully short. Thank you for continuing to post, at least you have strength to do that and get your thoughts out there.

You are in lots of peoples prayers and I know you will never be able to find peace after your loss, but just take your time to get to where you can breathe again.

I am just so sorry and still sitting here crying with you guys!

HUGS!

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

thank you for sharing all of your wonderings about carly with us! thank you too for posting the words from a bereaved parent in your previous post. i hope it helps to know that i still think of you guys and carly all of the time. i can't help but smile when i think about how she always called her daddy "paul" and how she would "flip the bird" as you wrote in posts before... hope it helps to think of these little things about carly that bring smiles to our faces. thinking of you!!!!!!

Zoey's mom said...

I think Karol gave the best advice of all ...one moment,one breath.

Love to you always.

Tina said...

Can't even start to know what you are going through, but just to try to think of my life without one of my children makes me sick so Joany your pain is really unimaginable to most of us. Just know as a parent you are going through every parents biggest nightmare.

M heart goes out to you, you are so so often in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you love