Fear and Anxiety..

...both reared their ugly head at me today. Actually, this week has not been a good one. Fear and anxiety have been hovering all around. It's been terrible. Some days, I really just don't want to get out of bed for fear of, well..fear.

Fear and anxiety are very similar, at least they are for me.

Fear:

noun /fi(ə)r/ 
fears, plural

An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat
• - drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder
• - fear of increasing unemployment
• - he is prey to irrational fears


A mixed feeling of dread and reverence
• - the love and fear of God


A feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone
• - police launched a search for the family amid fears for their safety


The likelihood of something unwelcome happening
• - she could observe the other guests without too much fear of attracting attention

Wednesday, Ashleigh and I drove up to Carly's elementary to drop off the books I purchased to donate to the school library. It was such an eerie feeling walking through those front doors of that school again. It was fear staring me straight in the face. Or was it anxiety? A combination of both I think. I could remember so well, walking in to pick Carly up for appointments or even after school. Carly would see me, as she walked toward the office, she'd get so excited and run and jump into my open arms. What I wouldn't give to have her jumping into my arms again. ugh. And so, we went in and dropped the books off at the office. No big to do. Just walked in, dropped them off, along with a retirement card for the elementary secretary, who saw all three of our kids (well,,except of course, Carly), through elementary school. Got a hug from the secretary, and then ran smack dab..face to face, into that awful 1rst grade teacher of Carly's. Oh my god..I wanted to smack the crap out of that woman. She just smiled and said, "hi!" The whole drop off took about 3 minutes. We didn't see any of Carly's classmates and I was thankful for that. Because I feared them. I feared, that I would bust out crying.

Wednesday night, I went with Paul to his doctor appointment. I mentioned the fact that I'd been having a terrible headache for several days. I ended up getting a shot of Toradol, for a 3 day migraine. It helped, for a bit. But, of course, my head is booming again today. I'll be back to the doctor soon. And likely back on my oral migraine meds. I haven't had to take migraine meds in years. I also found out that the anti depressants that I take, are soon to be, no more. Lovely. My doc informed me that he's going to have to switch my meds up. I HATE the thought of changing those meds. I don't like the side effects of new meds. I don't like the way your body has to adjust to new meds..especially these kinds of meds. I've been on this particular med since 2006. So now, I have all sorts of anxiety going on,,,just because of an upcoming change in medication.

Today, I had the mother of all panic/anxiety attacks. It was crazy. I was out mowing the yard and as usual, Carly was on my mind, but that's really nothing new. All of a sudden, I couldn't remember what size shoe she wore. It threw me into a tizzy. I just freaked out. How could I forget my daughters shoe size? What the hell is wrong with me? And why on earth would I even be thinking about her shoe size? Then I got to thinking, who would ever forget the size shoe that their child wore? I did..that's who. And it stung my heart terribly and then it pissed me off. I did eventually remember. She had just gone into a toddler size 9.

Now, I'm left wondering, is this the first of many things that I am going to forget? I don't want to forget. I want to remember every. little. thing. about Carly. Her pant size, her shoe size, her giggle, her pivot-off one foot as she pranced around the house. I want to remember her, "huh huh" quick little laugh she'd do when she turned the channel on the TV or cranked out her boom box,,even after being told not to do either. I want to remember, forever, the way she would sneak her food to her dog, Penny and the way she would wave her hand in front of her face, while wrinkling up her little nose and sniffing..when something tasted bad to her, or if something smelled. And just now, I remember how her underpants drove her nuts. Carly had no butt. I'm not kidding, she had a teeny tiny little butt. Which caused all her underpants to be a little baggy on her bottom! I constantly had to fix her underpants. Poor kid. As silly as the underpants memory is, I don't want to forget it. Ever.

My mind continued on, during my mowing. I thought about the last time I played with Carly during the month of June. Then I had chills running up and down my spine. It was the year before last. The freaking year before last. How can that be? Then fear came out..as I rode along on the mower. I was thinking, oh my god, before we know it, we're going to be saying..5yrs..10yrs..20yrs. And that takes my breath completely away. The more years that go past, make me fear that our memories will fade. And that really scares me.

The sad thing about fear and anxiety, for a bereaved parents is---you have to face both. There is no way around either of them. You have to live through each of them. You can't avoid either one. It sucks that both, will be with us for the rest of our lives. Sure, they both may fade a bit from time to time, but from what I have been told...both stay uncomfortably close, never leaving your side for very long.

Anxiety:
anx·i·e·ty

noun /aNGˈzī-itē/ 
anxieties, plural

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome
• - he felt a surge of anxiety
• - anxieties about the moral decline of today's youth


Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease
• - the housekeeper's eager anxiety to please


A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks