Closing in, on 15 months...

.....as July 23 approaches.

It is coming straight at us, just as every single 23rd of each month does. We dread the date. Hate knowing that 15months is closing in on us. 15months since I last held Carly in my arms. 15months since I've soaked in her scent. 15 months since I've heard her sweet little voice and her infectious chuckle. 15months since I've kissed her teeny tiny little nose at night, while she would lay sleeping between Paul and I. 15months since she greeted her "Paul" by running through the house yelling, "PAUL, PAUL!" and jumping into his awaiting, open arms each night after work.

As far as grieving our loss. Yes, we are still grieving our baby girl. We're still at that point; a point where I'm sure we will remain for many, many years to come - if not forever. Some days, I m fairly certain that we will not survive this. Sometimes, I hope to not survive this. Now, by no means am I talking about suicide. But being truthful, there are times that I could care less if I were here on this earth any longer....or not. Then I snap back into the here and now..and know that I long for Carly and always will, but I have a family who would be suffering two losses. And that's not okay with me.

Some days, I m sure that this must all be just a horrible nightmare and I just know that I'm going to wake up from it eventually. Except, that never happens. Most days, I m still in disbelief that this has happened in our lives. Yes, of course I KNOW we lost our baby, we buried her, I watched her die...I KNOW. But, this nightmare of losing our child, it's just way, way to much to bear. I think this particular thought all day, every day --- how can it be? This wasn't suppose to happen. It wasn't expected to happen. She was doing so good. She was playing at my brothers house the night before. None of us had any idea we would lose her the following morning. What the Hell happened? How did it end so fast? Questions that I m sure, will never leave us. Please, don't tell me, "it was Gods will".... I'm not gonna buy it. And FYI...grieving mothers Do Not Like Being Told, "it was Gods will". Trust me, none of us like being told that..so please refrain. Thank you.

I have realized, over the course of these almost 15months, that I have pretty much lost my identity. Carly was my identity. She was I all new for 8 yrs. I am completely lost without her. I don't know who I am anymore. It's scary not having your identity. You think you know who you are and BAMM...just like that, it's taken away from you and you are left to try and find yourself again. I lived and breathed that little girl. Went to HELL and back so many times with her. And that's who I want to be again. But of course, we all know....I will never be that person again. Ever. I am trying to find myself, but my gosh it's hard. There are so many road blocks, so many stepping stones, so many hurdles in my way. It's such a horrible struggle that most of the time, I m just not up to. I don't like having to find a "new" me. I liked the old me, the "mama" me.

Paul and I have been having an awful time the last few months. We argue. More than we ever had. Over the stupidest things imaginable. Paul and I never fight or argue. This is new for us. We may disagree, but fight and argue?? No. I guess this is due to the shitty hand in life, that we've been dealt.

Paul, however, has been having a terrible time. I worry about him. A few weeks ago, after a fight/argument, we both started crying. Crying because our hearts are broken and will be, forever. Paul needs to get some help. He just hasn't come to that point of accepting the fact that he needs it. And, he's a man...(most men tend to think it's a sign of weakness if they seek help). On that day, while we both cried our eyes out, he admitted to me that all he sees, every. single. moment. of. the. day., from the time he opens his eyes each morning, to the time he closes them each night, is Carly's little face while inside that ambulance.

For reasons unknown to us, Paul was placed in charge of Carly's care inside that ambulance. Such a heavy burden for him to carry with him for the rest of his life. The only training Paul has ever had, is basic CPR. He did ALL the chest compression and didn't stop. 20 miles to the nearest hospital and Paul never stopped! The EMT's completely freaked out when Carly went into cardiac arrest. Unsure as to why they freaked. They knew full well that she was a cardiac patient. But, they had no idea what to do for her. In fact, the only thing they did, was start a damn IV in our driveway and injected her with Epi, several times, directly into her IV. Their hands never even touched our sweet girl. Makes us sick. It was likely because they were so busy jumping around the ambulance pulling binders out of binder bins and reading up on what to do. That was precious time wasted. And, if they weren't trained to handle an emergency type of situation...what the HELL were they doing on this call?? Now, I'm no doctor, nurse, paramedic or EMT, BUT I've spent a heck of a lot of time in ER's and inpatient with Carly and I've seen her in big trouble - health crisis' - and close calls of near death - several times..and 1 thing I learned...the parents are in the way...the professionals take over. Sadly, that did not happen for Carly. What really sucks the most, was hearing her cardiologist (during a meeting with him a few months ago) tell us, "had they got her to us, had they followed protocol; which would have bought her time to get to UofM and into our hands, Carly's chances of surviving this cardiac arrest would have been about 70%." Nice kick in the gut eh? Please tell me, how in the world are we suppose to come to terms with all this now? Especially after being told this by the head of ped's cardio doc at Motts/UofM. Our poor girl was doomed in the hands of those EMT's on that horrible day. We often feel as tho we just tossed her to the wolves.

I finally had to get to the doctor a couple weeks back. Thankfully, doc made a change in my anti-depressants, (I think Paul needs a change in his too). I'm on Celexa now, and am getting a higher dosage than I was taking, while on Lexapro. OMGosh, what a difference this new medication is making. I m not on edge as much. I m not blowing a gasket at every single thing that happens. I no longer have that constant, horrible feeling of being suffocated, it's there, but not as bad. Do I like the fact that I have to rely on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs? NOPE. But, I've come to realize, I can not function day to day without having them.

I realize I haven't been blogging in quite some time. To be honest, I just haven't had it in me. We've been having such a difficult time learning how to live without our sweet girl. A very, very difficult time. I'm still working on Paul, trying to get him to seek some professional help. I went for about 4months. Often times, I think I may have to start going again because as far as I can tell...this grief thing, is never ending. Closing in on 15months, SUCKS!