As I lay awake each night, trying to sleep, - and boy, it's a struggle to get a decent night sleep. . . even with medication - Carly is always on my mind. As I lay, wide awake, I hope each night I will dream of her. But, sadly my dreams have become few and far between. I want to dream of her. I want to dream happy dreams. But can't. They aren't there. They've never been there. Just crazy, dreams/nightmares are all I have.
I envy my cousin, she did have a dream about Carly. A nice dream. A happy dream. Carly was swinging and happy. I want to dream that dream too. But I'm stuck with bad dreams. From Ashleigh's view point, she says to me, "at least you dream of her, mom. I haven't had one dream of her." Ashleigh is kind of angry that she hasn't had one single dream of her little sister. Maybe it's better that way. I would hate for her to have the kind of dreams that I have.
Most of the dreams/nightmares I've had of Carly, over the course of the last 15months, have not been so good and they sure aren't happy dreams. In fact, they have been awful. I'm not sure if I've shared those dreams before..my memory is very short term these days. As far as my dreaming has gone..some may people may just classify them as nightmares. And I guess that's really what they are.
One of the dreams/nightmares I had, was about 6months ago. I could see Carly as clear as day. She was walking with someone, down a very long hallway. I was several yards behind her, yelling as loud as I could, "Carly, Carly" and running as fast as I could, but I couldn't get her attention and I never caught up with her. She never once turned around to look at me. She just kept walking. And no matter how fast I ran, I could not catch her. And then, she just completely disappeared...the hallway ended. She was gone. During the dream/nightmare, she never turned to look at me. Not once. Which is kind of strange, because I saw her face clearly..but she never once turned to look at me. I woke up feeling completely exhausted.
I've had several dreams/nightmares of her going to school too. I place her on the bus, and she would wave and blow me kisses-like she did, every. single. morning. But after school, the bus never brings her home. I call the school and am told, "Carly was never here today" which leads to a huge argument with secretary. I call the bus driver, he says he never saw Carly. And a panic search gets under way...but we never. find. her. And then I wake up, exhausted.
One of the dreams/nightmares I had, and thankfully only once...was a horribly twisted one. I can't even figure out how this one came to be. But, I did dream it. Carly had been kidnapped, by one of my high school friends. I wont get into how messed up the dream was, other than say...this friend killed Carly. To this day, that dream/nightmare haunts me. This friend had never even met Carly before. How I had a crazy dream/nightmare like that, I will never understand and to tell the truth, I'm not sure I even want to attempt to understand that one. It was AWFUL! I didn't wake up from that dream/nightmare exhausted. I woke up terrified.
As for these dreams/nightmares, my counselor told me it is common. And that it goes hand in hand with the sudden unexpectedness of Carly's death. Along with the fact that it has been so much of a shock to me, with so many unanswered, unexplainable and unacceptable reasons behind her death. It's like she just disappeared one day. And I'm longing to find her again.
Just once..well, more than that, really... but just once, I'd like to have a good dream. A happy dream with Carly in it. Maybe one day. Although, until I am able to find some sort of peace, I doubt that any happy dreams will be coming my way. Likely, only the these awful nightmares.
I belong to a group called "Grieving Mothers", it's a facebook group and it really helps me having others who have the same feelings and thoughts that I have. It's a group with about 5000 members. All of us, grieving mothers (some dads too, I think). Earlier this morning, I was on that groups page and found a Winnie The Pooh video clip, that someone had posted. I watched it and after it was done, another Pooh video came on, that song was, Wherever You Are, and it just felt very fitting for my mood today.
Wherever I am, I will love Carly forever.
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