Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.
I often times get asked, "do you think there is a God?" and "what do you think about Heaven?" As I try my best to answer such questions, I often times find myself just shaking my head. I honestly do not know. I used to...but not now. Not anymore. It's very difficult for me to find answers for myself. I sure can't find the answers for others. Or, the answers that others want to hear coming from my mouth.
Its a terrible time in our lives. Most people think, no, they believe that we should cling to any sliver of faith. Probably we should. But we can not. We just do not have any left. I, myself, do try a little. I try to convince myself that there is in fact a Heaven..because I WANT my children there. Therefore, I must be clinging to hope that there is in fact, a God. Right? I don't know..I just don't know.
Never once did I ever question whether or not there was/is a God. EVER. Well, never before the past 21 1/2 months had I questioned God. I thought I had witnessed God's work first hand.
For example..I had Bradley, who came close to being delivered with a broken neck. Thankfully, his collar bone ended up broken (not thankful he had a broken collar bone, just thankful it was not his neck) instead. He was delivered via Vacuum Extractor. I also saw Brad clinging to life as a 5 month old who was hospitalized due to a bad bout of the flu. Which we later learned from his doctor, we nearly lost him. As we arrived at the hospital to have him admitted, his little eyes were rolled to the back of his head. I handed him to a couple of nurses who were in the hallway and they took off running with him.
And then came Carly. I'd seen Carly live through many critical health crises. Bad ones. Coding 13 hrs after open heart surgery. Battling 3 deadly blood infections. Fighting through a deadly round of chemo..to which the end result left her with no. vitals. whatsoever. I witnessed her have a stroke during chemo. I witnessed her losing the ability to use her left arm, hand and fingers..the poor kid couldn't even hold herself up on all fours without that arm acting like a wet noodle. But, even through all of that...I witnessed healing. And I believed. But now, I'm full of doubt. Full of questions. Questions that will likely, never be answered.
A sad but true story:
Several years ago, soon after Carly had been diagnosed with leukemia, Paul came home from work telling me about a co-worker who had a young cousin, we'll just call him, Pete. Sadly, Pete passed away due to leukemia. Pete's mom was a Christian and had been all of her life. She was never seen without her Bible in her hand. Her young son passed away after quite a lengthy battle. A battle that went back and forth for many years. His poor little body had been through the wringer and he ended up with the much dreaded sepsis, which claimed his life. Paul's co-worker told how his aunt went home after Pete's funeral and burned all of her Bibles. BURNED them! She cursed God. And she vowed to NEVER step foot into a church, ever again. I was shocked being told this story. I was pissed that someone would burn the Bible. Pissed at how a Christian could be so angry at God. Because I just knew, I knew there was a God. I just didn't "get" it. I didn't "get" her anger. I didn't understand the anger toward God. How could I? I mean, really... Carly was, (and Brad too, for that matter) after all, living proof...or so I thought at the time.
After losing Carly and less than 18 months later, losing Bradley.. I can honestly say that I now "get" the anger toward God. I "get" it.
I miss them so very much.
My heart actually aches.
The Poem I shared today, literally takes my breath away.
It causes that 'kick to the gut' feeling way deep down inside.
But I read it anyway.
Over and over again.