"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Monday, April 23, 2012

April 23

Is one of our most dreaded days.

Hard to wrap our brains around the fact that we no longer are able to enjoy this sweet little girl, every day.







The "experts" on grief say that the hardest part of grief, comes in the second year. We wouldn't know that for certain. Why? Because we lost Brad right smack dab, in the middle of our second year of grieving for Carly. I can tell you, as I forced myself out of bed this morning...which I do every.single.morning, just so I can let the dog outside, I replayed Carly's last day on this earth, inside of my head. It left me feeling sick.

We have no words to describe how very, very much we miss this little girl. Sure, we can tell you what we miss..but how we feel about missing her, just can not be described. We miss her so much, it comes from deep, deep down inside. We miss her laughter. We miss her voice. We miss her mischievous ways. We miss her curiosity. We miss playing with her. We miss teaching her. We miss watching her grow. We miss watching her learn. We miss her physical being. We miss her hugs. We miss her laying between us each and every night...hogging the ENTIRE bed! And even tho., I can tell you everything that we miss about her, I can not describe the pain that is within us on a day to day basis.

I hate the date, April 23. Hate what that day became for our family. In my eyes, it was the day that started the very downward spiral of our lives. Nothing will ever be as it was before that day. Life as we knew it, has forever been changed. Paul and I are no longer the people we once were and we realize, we will never be the same. Ever.

Today, Paul is home from work. Thankfully. I was concerned about being all by myself today. He didn't tell me he was staying home, until last night, when I started to make his lunch for today. So, later on today, we are heading to the cemetery to visit both of our children.  Leave flowers for this sweet little girl, who is "The Music In Our Hearts, Forever." (words inscribed on the back of her headstone.)

Although Carly is no longer on this earth, our love for her remains, strong and deep. We will love her until the end of our days.

My hope for today is that Brad has Carly on his lap, wrapped tightly in his arms. And that they both, feel the love that Paul, Ashleigh and I have for them, today and forever.


19 comments:

stephanie said...

Just like on 911 and certain days through out your life that leave an everlasting impression on you, I will never forget where i was on April 23rd.
The whole day is in my mind.

Relieved Paul is home and you don't have to go through today alone.

Hugs and love to you all..

e said...

I'm in tears this morning, right with you momma.

I so hope one day I can look at her pictures and smile...but I'm lost in the world of anger. SO NOT FAIR!

Still...the love pours out for you. You feel like family to me. We need to get together....maybe this summer sometime. I'm all up for crazy trips!


e & molly kate

Becca said...

I, like Stephanie, will never forget where I was on this day 2 years ago, watching helplessly as this event unfolded.

Glad Paul is with you today. Thinking of all of you, and your beautiful Carly especially, always.

Kristin said...

Prayers for your comfort today. And I KNOW Brad and Carly feel your love!

Zoey's mom, Heather said...

I remember vividly reading your FB post. Staring at it in disbelief. Texting you.Willing it not to be. Praying and hoping and wishing it not to be so.

Sending you love today. You and Paul and Ashleigh. Keeping you close and sending peace and prayers of strength across the miles.

Lacey said...

Like everyone else, I remember this day vividly! I saw it, didn't believe it, and then got a phone call from Heather. Could it be, it couldn't be! Sending prayers for you today!

Courtney said...

i came to your blog from another blog, which was from one back in June 2011...amazing I found you really. I have spent the last hour reading the last 6 months of your journey. The cable guy is right, your story needs to be heard. I cannot fathom your pain, your sorrow. I was happy to see the few very recent posts on the signs. I am glad you can see them and feel (even smell) them. They will keep you going. I'm thinking of you today as you celebrate your precious daughter's 2nd angelversary. I'm glad I found you today....

Cindy said...

Thinking of you and Paul today Joany. It was sweet of him to be home with you today, definitely a day to experience together.

I love your image of Carly on Brad's lap!

Tesha said...

Hi I found you from Kelly's link up. I am sorry, seems silly in this circumstance. I wish there word that meant more that said more. My heart aches for you. I can not imagine what you have endured. I am blessed to have found you. I would never dream of comparing my pain to yours. I am a grieving mommy also, my son was stillborn 1-24-12. I am having a weekly link up for bereaved mommies to connect and encourage each other, I would love if you joined us. I have to tell you my heart is so very touched by your loss I am certain I will never forget your sweet daughter face. I read that you lost your son two years later. I love your beautiful music, I am saying a prayer for you and will continue to pray. (((Hugs))) sweet mommy.

Eileen said...

Thank you for sharing your love for Carly (and Brad) for us to share. I am positive they are with you today, entwined in your heart. My thoughts are with you and your husband on this difficult day.

JEllen said...

I will never forget reading your first words Joany or this day. Thinking of you and Paul and Ashleigh and your extended family.

Lindsay Marie said...

I'm sending lots of prayers your way today and every day! I can't even begin to imagine the horrible pain of losing a child, let alone two. God bless you and your family.

suelmayer said...

Praying and thinking about all of you!

Mel said...

Thinking of you and saying a few special prayers today Joany.

SolaceMama said...

All the words that I can think of to type don't really portray how my heart feels. Tears running down my face. Today I will pray for you and your family.

I came to you from Connie Lundquist.

Bethany02086 said...

I set my heart towards you on this day. You do not know this but my husband and I have been praying for you since your son's death. It was shared as a prayer request from Connie and you were not forgotten. As a mom, I cannot even fathom the sorrow you must feel. I cried when I read your post. I cry as i am typing through a haze. I send my tears to you that they may help cleanse your heart so you may know joy again. I pray that you will be able to smile when you say their names even as your heart squeezes tight inside your chest. I pray that you will be able to laugh in memory even if it's through tears. Thank you for sharing your heat and your pain. Love, Bethany Garcia (amie02086@gmail.com)

Trennia said...

I am visiting from Tesha's link up.
Praying for you (((hugs))).
I am so sorry you are walking this road,may the Lord give you peace and comfort.

Sherri said...

I am just like the cable guy...my jaw is dropped...my eyes are so full of tears I can barely read on...but I can't stop reading! I love the purple flowers that Carly sends...it's like love from above! Im sending hugs!!!

JennyH said...

I meant to get on here on Monday but I guess I sucked at that! I was thinking of you and Paul though. I can't believe 3 years have passed. So not fair. Thinking of you.