"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Monday, July 2, 2012

I've been MIA for quite some time in bloggy land. Haven't known what to say. Even tho., I have a lot to be said. But, sometimes it's best just to keep things quiet. At this point, I'm really unsure as to how much I will blog throughout the summer months.

I've been having MUCH anxiety the past several weeks due to health issues, the new house, Ashleigh being deployed, Brad's death investigation, missing Brad, missing Carly. Taking criticism from strangers online who send me private messages and emails telling me how I'm so venomous. Seriously? I reply one time, but they blast me over and over and over. It's pretty sick if you ask me. But, whatever, I've learned that people are nasty, mean and cold hearted and some day, they'll get what's coming to them.

During the days, I'm trying to keep myself busy. Even if it means just jumping in the car and going to the store. Some days, I just have to get out of the house and away from the house. I work out in my garden quite a bit. Work in the house, trying to get it decorated in hopes of making this house feel like our home. Not a ton of success in making it feel like "home" but I'm trying.

Paul and I were talking the other day. I am so incredibly lost in life right now. I've been a stay at home mom for 14yrs. When we lost Carly, so suddenly, I was devastated..however, I did have Ashleigh and Brad home. And because of them being home, I forced myself to push forward. Then, Ashleigh left for the Navy. Brad was still home. I was pretty thankful to have him here. He kept me in check, mom wise that is. Now, I have nothing. No kids at home. And truthfully, I have no idea what I am suppose to do. Could I get a job? Probably. Not sure I could mentally handle the stress of a job right now. But, for 14yrs, my job was, "mom" and in less than 18months...my job, as I knew it, ended.

I think I'd like to get back into counseling. Even tho., I wasn't all that impressed when I was going before, but I'm so lost. And my health issues have me a nervous wreck. I now have a colo rectal doctor and I wont get into those details, but I'd be lying if I said I had no concerns. I also had biopsies done in May, checking for uterine cancer. No cancer, but some kind of growth in my uterus. My GYN is extremely hesitant on doing a hysterectomy. She said, "you need to have one, but..." Yeah, that BUT..is making me crazy. She told me she could go in and remove the growth, patch up my uterus and I could have more children. (expect Paul would need a reversal vasectomy). I'm so torn over this decision. REcently, I've had dreams about having more kids. In fact, one dream I had, I had twin girls..and I was PISSED off in my dream, because I wanted a boy, JUST like Brad and a girl, JUST like Carly.  But, I know that in reality, I am almost 46yrs old, my monthly cycle is HORRIBLE and this growth needs to get out of me. I go in to meet with the GYN the end of July. I do plan to schedule a hysterectomy, but boy it has been on up and down decision process. And I'm still not 100% with doing it.  Ugh..it's never freaking ending.

Paul is, well...he's surviving the best way he knows how. He has some pretty rough days. He worries about me while he's working. And he's been having some pretty bad anxiety issues too. His work has been crazy busy. He's been averaging 75-80hrs a week. Hopefully, that is about to slow down. While he's home, he tries to busy himself around the house..we have a TON to finish up, but it'll get done, some where down the road.

Ashleigh seems to be doing really well. She deployed on the USS Eisenhower on June 20th. The ship is deployed for 9months. Her orders are only for 3months..but we all know that could change at any given time. We are able to email back and forth and we even got a phone call from the ship!! It was a pretty rough connection, but we could at least hear her voice. :) It sure made Paul and I feel so good. And knowing that life on the ship isn't bad (except the bathrooms are nasty - (she's a bathroom clean freak!) and the food "sucks"..except for the cheesecake and cobblers, she's having a good time! They are about to go into Port for a few days. Not sure if I can share that info or not. I think once they get to port, then I can! But, she is looking forward to it and she is VERY excited!

Guess that's about it for today. I'll try to be better at blogging and not be MIA for so long!


Sasha + Saku said...

I'm glad to see you are back, and sorry to hear things haven't been good. It especially p'o's me that people are e-mailing you with nasty comments. That's plain and simply sick, and like you, I hope they get what they deserve.

I hope you do find someone you can talk to. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right counselor.

Wishing you well with the health issues.


Becca said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that you have health issues compounding things. :-( Hoping for swift resolution and easy recovery for you! Glad to see the update. As always, thinking of you and your family...

Salinas family said...

Hi Joany,
I don't know why some people think it's ok to be mean and nasty. At the very least, it's just so unneccessary. But more so, it's just so very wrong!! Please try to remember that there are so many more of us out her in blog land, hoping and praying for some kind of peace for your shattered heart, hoping that you will be able to find joy in living someday.
I had one thought about what you might be able to do to help pass the time when you're struggling - is there some kind of volunteering you might want to do and be able to do - not something you have to commit to on a daily or weekly basis, but just something you could do when you need to get out for a bit and need some distraction.
My son and I stock shelves at a community food pantry/warehouse - it's not taxing on the brain, it feels productive, and it helps the pantry. That might not be something you're interested in doing, but maybe there's something equally distracting, non-brain taxing, productive, etc, that you could do on a 'drop in' basis. Just a thought.
And as far as blogging frequently or not? IT'S YOUR BLOG!! So you get to blog when you wanna, and not blog when you don't! We love hearing from you when you feel like blogging, but those of us who really care about you, understand that sometimes it's just too hard or just not the time for blogging.
Will be keeping you close in thought and prayer, hoping for resolution for your health issues (Paul's too).
Take care of yourselves, be gentle with yourselves, and know that there really are so many of us who care about you.
Karen, from Logan UT

my family said...

venomous? some people have nothing better to do than to be plain ugly. Whats the deal with them?

Keeping you all in my thought and hope your medical issues are resolved quickly

Lindsay Marie said...

I'm so sorry that people are emailing nasty comments to you :( It's truly amazing how heartless some people can be. I'm still praying for you and your family daily.

Cathy said...

I have been ready your blog for quite a few years now and think of you often. I cant even begin to imagine the pain you must be in. Whenever I read adoption stories on Reece's rainbow I often think of you and what a wonderful Mom you could be to a precious angel. Please please dont take that the wrong way, you will never be able to replace your beautiful children but perhaps you can give another angel a chance at a happy life.

iamhoney said...

dont usually leave messages on your blog but wanted to let your know (I am a 20 year Navy Veteran) that YES you can tell the port after they are already there, just nothing before!

Kristin said...

Venomous?! Oh, I'm so sorry. Why don't people have better things to do with their time! Hope your health recovers soon. I always think about adoption in my later 40's (I'm 41 now). I have no desire to raise babies, but oh how a 4 yr old sounds good after I get Max into school full time ;) Hope you find peace in whatever you decide is right for your family.

Amy said...

Oh my! Seriously?? You are being called VENOMOUS?? Because you are grieving and have lost two children?? WOWWOWOWOW. People really have some serious gall, don' they? The world needs to learn patience, kindness, and compassion. What a much better world this would be. Hang in there, Joany! There are so many of us pulling for you!

Merideth said...

Oh Joany! I am so sorry that people are being so cruel. It just doesn't compute that people could call YOU venemous....THEY are the venemous ones. It sounds like you know that but just in case. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Thinking of you always always.


Toni said...

I have been following your blog for a while. I am so sorry for all the tragedy you have experienced. I cannot even imagine what it would feel like to have your child die and for you to have experienced twice is just unfathomable to me. I just wanted to say that I have a bio daughter 16 and an adopted son 9 and I am 53years old, so you're never to old. We adopted our son from Kazakhstan in 05 at the age of 26 months and at 9 the kid just lights up the room. Maybe looking into adopting a child from either the foster system or a foreign country would help fill the empty hole in your heart. I know you can never replace Carly and Brad,nor would I even suggest that, but maybe giving a child the love that you and your husband have in your hearts would help fill that void that you have in your lives.