"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

No...it's not getting easier!

I can't even begin to tell you all, how many times we've been asked, "it's getting easier right?". Ummm...............NO. I understand that people just don't know what else to say, but to ask grieving parents/families, if it's getting easier just floors me/us. How could it possibly be getting easier when we visit our 8 year old daughter at a freaking cemetery? Most people can only compare the loss of a grandparent or even a parent, which I can't imagine losing a parent. Honestly, when it comes to burying your child, there seems to me that there would be no way to compare a loss.

On the day Carly died, part of me died with her. She and I were joined at the hip, ALWAYS. Where I went, she went. I fought tooth and nail for her. I walked beside her every inch of the way. Through all of many illnesses that she had to endure. I watched her walking straight up to the doorway of death more times than I care to count. I went to bat for her. Up against doctors, nurses, teachers, principals, special ed directors, etc.

Actually, we feel it's getting harder and harder as each day passes. We cry often. We feel our chests caving in almost daily and have a continuous knot in our guts. We are drained emotionally and physically. We aren't sleeping and barely eating. We are ANGRY, very, very ANGRY. We terribly lonely. We miss our sweet girl. We miss her silly grins and her hilarious laugh. I long to see my sweet girl on the bus each morning, waving and blowing me kisses goodbye. She waved & blew kisses every single morning for 3 years! I miss the daily, after school hugs each day when she'd get off the bus. I miss her voice to the point it almost kills me. I miss her naughty habits of 'flipping the bird' and 'sticking out her tongue'. I miss hearing her screaming, "PAUL, PAUL" (she wouldn't call him dad), each night when he comes home from work. I miss the complete and total mess that our sweet girl could make within a blink of an eye. I miss my living room looking like Toys R Us during Christmas shopping time - it still does look like Toys R Us, but everything is put away. (Our living room was Carly's playroom). I miss her music blasting. I miss her TV shows, although I can't bring myself to watch, Hannah Montana, Zach and Cody, Yo GaBa GaBa or iCarly.

Little things seem to cause us many tears too. Monday Paul was in the bathroom and came out crying. I asked him if he was okay. His response, "I just saw Carly's toothbrush". That's all it takes. A toothbrush to cause our heart to break all over again.

Yesterday Paul and I stopped at a store to pick up some meat to grill. The cashier told Paul, "oh, my that's a really nice bracelet". The bracelet is one of Carly's. A very colorful, little girls bracelet. The cashier was teasing him about a man wearing a little kids bracelet. Paul and I looked at each other and he dropped his head. I went on to tell this lady that it was our daughter's who passed away in April. I also told her that Carly was just 8 years old. The lady's chin hit the counter. She told us that her grandchildren go to the same elementary school that Carly went to. I know the lady felt really bad for teasing about the bracelet, but I also knew that at some point, someone would say something. As far as bracelets,,,Ashleigh and I each wear one of Carly's bracelets too. As we walked out the door of the store, the cashier yelled to us, "I'm sorry for your loss". Paul just cringes when he hears that. He told me he can't figure out why that phrase bothers him so. He said he thinks it's the way it's said...Like, oh...sorry you stubbed your toe.

How we will go on with out her, I have no idea. Carly was the one who kept us going. Through all of her illnesses, near death experiences. She brought us through. Carly would just keep marching forward and we would march along side her. Well...now what?

Thankfully, the loss of a child is very uncommon. So much so, Carly's coffin had to be ordered and shipped via airplane and overnighted. I like to believe that people just don't know what to say to us and more often than not, they say the exact wrong thing. I don't believe people are being cruel...but it still stings us and probably always will. So the answer to the question, "so, it's getting easier"? The answer is NO!

32 comments:

Sam said...

I appreciate your honesty and I know the pain has to be so intense and is not going to ever go away. I pray for your daily, hourly, minute by minute stength.

Becky

Kristen's mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Envyshope said...

Our family is praying for yours. Hugs and love your way - Matthew and Kelli Stever

Bulldogma said...

Please accept this cyber-HUG... I wish I could do so much more.

The VW's said...

I think of you, and a few other bloggers who have lost their children in recent months, SO OFTEN as I am caring for Gavin.

I think about the hours that go into caring for and loving our special needs children and how they become our LIFE. And, how this life, that comes along with our special kiddos, can be so time and heart consuming....and how we are not ourselves anymore, we ARE our special children.....and we are OK with this.

And, then I think of those who are grieving the loss of this life, like you are having to do......and I have no idea how you do it!

My mom once said to me that she can't even begin to imagine how horrible it would be to have to bury a child of hers, but when she sees me with Gavin, she said that she thinks it would be even more difficult to bury a child that you have put your whole life into.

Your whole day WAS Carly and she WAS a big part of you walking around on this earth. So, I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to walk around and function with only half of yourself left here.

I seriously think of you all the time and stop to say a prayer for you, because my heart hurts for you and your family, knowing that this must be SO HARD for you! I wish that I could do more for you. I'm so sorry that you are having to go on without your sweet girl!

I'm sure it will never get any easier, but I do pray that you will be given the strength, peace and comfort to thrive until you see your sweet girl again!

Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

shan said...

Well said, not better here either.

Adrienne said...

My heart just aches for you and your husband. I know it doesn't help to say "I'm sorry" but I just really am and I continue to lift you all up in prayer.

Heather said...

Continued prayers of strength as you continue to find your way.Can't imagine.Have no words,just love from California.

patricia said...

my heart is so broken for you. and you are so right, people just don't know what to say. I can't imagine being in your shoes. I think of you everyday and I think of the pain in your heart. Thank you for sharing and sharing and being so open. I don't know what to say other than thank you for sharing and that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Denise said...

Did you know that you are an amazing writer? The way you are able to honestly put your feelings in to words just blows me away. I have struggled with what to say to you each time I wrote a comment as I was so worried about saying the wrong thing for this very reason. I hate the "cliches" like "sorry for your loss" and you are right when you say that there is no way that any of us can know what you are feeling. I think we all just hope that you are feeling "better" and that is probably why you get asked that question so much. I know you have to go through this grieving process in the way you can and that probably nothing will ease your pain!! Just know you are surrounded by LOVE!!!

Lori said...

Thank you for sharing your honest feelings with us. I cannot even imagine what you and your family are going through, and I won't even pretend to know what to say. But, I will continue to lift you all up in prayer and pray that God will come along side you and comfort you and ease your pain.

Rochelle said...

Nobody can understand you pain. Thankful that you can share your feelings with us. We will continue to pray for God's peace and comfort to help you both as you grieve.

Suzie said...

At times I think I could comprehend to a very small degree what you are going through because the the thought of losing Lily is more than I can bear, but to read these words I understand I have no idea what so ever the pain and anger your family is going through.
All I can say is know that you are thought about and people are continuing to prayer for your family.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

just wanted to let you know that when we were saying prayers tonight before bed with the girls anne prayed for her friend in heaven... we have been praying for carly and for you guys but she hadn't mentioned "her friend in heaven" before so we weren't sure who she was talking about... it took me about a minute and then i asked her "do you mean carly" and she said "yes"... so just know that we all said a prayer for our little friend carly in heaven and for her family too, tonight!

My name is Sarah said...

This is Joyce. No words really Joany. No one can imagine or understand. But know that we are listening to your words and we are here in thought and prayers.

Stephanie said...

My heart just breaks for you and Paul. Nothing anybody says can make it better. Just know that you have a legion of people praying for you all.

I am in the same situation Kristen's Mom is in. Christopher cannot go out and doesn't realy want to. I homeschool, and he is my only child.

I just can't imagine going on without him. I have been close more times to count.

Please take care of yourselves. We all worry about you. Don't be afraid to get some help - talk to somebody - if you need to.

Hugs & Prayers to all of you

Steph and Christopher

stephanie said...

So many times I have come hear since Carly's death and left in tears.I don't know what to say. But I realize there are NO words. Nothing I or anyone else can say to you or Paul will make you feel better, or will ease your pain. Grief is not something that can be fixed with words. Can it be fixed at all?? No it can't.
Know instead of any words, I send prayers and support. I am crying with you and missing Carly too. And God no I'm not comparing my loss to yours! NEVER, NEVER!!!

We are here...

智宜智宜 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kelly said...

Continuous prayers for you and your family.

Angi said...

My heart goes out to you, not knowing you, your family or that precious girl of yours, the 1st time I hopped over to your blog and saw that smiling (devilsh)girl of yours... it reminded me of my brother Chris (yes he had Downs and a "hole in his heart" that was sadly never repaired...he passed away when I was 18) I swear his whole goal in life was to see and want other people happy, a true fighter, I will never understand why he was called home, as you will never know why Carly is not here...I CANNOT COMPARE OR FATHOM HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS UNBELIEVABLE LOSS..Life will be difficult AND NEVER THE SAME, more than even I can imagine, just know people care, sending a hug.

Angi said...

My heart goes out to you, not knowing you, your family or that precious girl of yours, the 1st time I hopped over to your blog and saw that smiling (devilsh)girl of yours... it reminded me of my brother Chris (yes he had Downs and a "hole in his heart" that was sadly never repaired...he passed away when I was 18) I swear his whole goal in life was to see and want other people happy, a true fighter, I will never understand why he was called home, as you will never know why Carly is not here...I CANNOT COMPARE OR FATHOM HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS UNBELIEVABLE LOSS..Life will be difficult AND NEVER THE SAME, more than even I can imagine, just know people care, sending a hug.

Jasmine said...

Paul and Joany, I'm sorry we can be so ignorant. There are no words.

I think of you often.

amy flege said...

i cant even imagine. its hard enough for me to come to your website and see her shinning face and think about what you are going through. I wish i could take the pain away... i think of you often!!!!!

Beth said...

I recently read something that Elizabeth Edwards said. It was about the death of her son. "People say the wrong thing, but they really do mean to say the right thing. If I remember that, it's easier to be gracious."

We all do mean to say the right thing.

We don't intend to make the hurt worse. But sometimes we do. I'm sorry. There is no right thing because it's so wrong that Carly is gone.

Michelle said...

So sorry you're being asked that question; I can't imagine it would ever get any easier. She was taken from you too, too, soon. My heart breaks just reading your post about all her things around the house and the different routines etc that you're missing. I think about you often. Hugs.

熙辰 said...

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Kristen said...

I have no words. I heard your heart and the words you expressed. You are in my prayers! I wish I could hug you!

Anderson Family said...

Thanks for sharing your stories with us. They are deeply personal and very moving. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through what you are going through - but I know that it couldn't possibly feel like it is getting better.

The other day my husband took Carter to work for the day so I could go with my Ashleigh to the zoo on a field trip. It was certainly fun - but at home in the afternoon I felt lost because Carter is ALWAYS with me. I kept feeling like I needed to check on him but he wasn't around. I would imagine that in some ways this must be what you are feeling all the time. That you are constantly missing her and feeling like you need to "check" on Carly.

We are constantly thinking of you and your sweet family - and you are in our prayers. We send our love from Utah!

Tina said...

I think of you and your family very very often and I know it's hard to say the right things at times, if there is such a thing as the right thing. I think we so badly want the pain to get better for you because I can't imagine what it must be like living with that constant hurt almost to the point where it hurts physically all the time. But I also understand that the pain of losing a child can never ever go, and I imagine the way one copes with it is by numbing a part of yourself.

Being in a house with Carly's memories all around you, her toys staring at you and yet so much silence must be unbearable, something noone expects you to come to terms with. Joany I I have put myself in your feet so many times after Carly left and just the thought drives me crazy so when I think of what you must be going through I feel like I can't breath, only what you are going through is for real and yes I agree how does it ever get better.

I can only say that we are all here to listen to you when you feel like talking, never feel like you are alone and noone expects you to pick up and pieces and just get on with life and act as if alls well. What you are going through is unthinkable for any parent and I can only pray that the days somehow get a little bearable and that the piercing pain in your heart gets a little less with time.

Lisa - Lily's mom said...

Joany - I could never begin to imagine what your family goes through each day. I cry reading your posts and that is because I can only imagine your heartbreak - it can be felt through your posts, but I will never know. I read sometime within the past month a short journal from a lady I met in our arem who lost her daughter and it had been almost 16 years I think since she had been gone. She said - no it does not get easier, not one day goes by that I don't hurt, a part of me died the day I lost my daughter and I never retrieved it.... At some point you learn to keep going on, but you "never ever ever get over it, nor does it ever get easier"... It made me think of all you are enduring these days. Hugs to you and yours!

Kim said...

No words ever seem right~ I have a dear friend who lost her six year old son in a tragic accident and a girl from our church who lost her 4 month old to SIDS. I never know what to say. The whole thing stinks! I might not know what to say but I do know that I will continue to pray for your family~{hugs}

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