I can't even begin to tell you all, how many times we've been asked, "it's getting easier right?". Ummm...............NO. I understand that people just don't know what else to say, but to ask grieving parents/families, if it's getting easier just floors me/us. How could it possibly be getting easier when we visit our 8 year old daughter at a freaking cemetery? Most people can only compare the loss of a grandparent or even a parent, which I can't imagine losing a parent. Honestly, when it comes to burying your child, there seems to me that there would be no way to compare a loss.
On the day Carly died, part of me died with her. She and I were joined at the hip, ALWAYS. Where I went, she went. I fought tooth and nail for her. I walked beside her every inch of the way. Through all of many illnesses that she had to endure. I watched her walking straight up to the doorway of death more times than I care to count. I went to bat for her. Up against doctors, nurses, teachers, principals, special ed directors, etc.
Actually, we feel it's getting harder and harder as each day passes. We cry often. We feel our chests caving in almost daily and have a continuous knot in our guts. We are drained emotionally and physically. We aren't sleeping and barely eating. We are ANGRY, very, very ANGRY. We terribly lonely. We miss our sweet girl. We miss her silly grins and her hilarious laugh. I long to see my sweet girl on the bus each morning, waving and blowing me kisses goodbye. She waved & blew kisses every single morning for 3 years! I miss the daily, after school hugs each day when she'd get off the bus. I miss her voice to the point it almost kills me. I miss her naughty habits of 'flipping the bird' and 'sticking out her tongue'. I miss hearing her screaming, "PAUL, PAUL" (she wouldn't call him dad), each night when he comes home from work. I miss the complete and total mess that our sweet girl could make within a blink of an eye. I miss my living room looking like Toys R Us during Christmas shopping time - it still does look like Toys R Us, but everything is put away. (Our living room was Carly's playroom). I miss her music blasting. I miss her TV shows, although I can't bring myself to watch, Hannah Montana, Zach and Cody, Yo GaBa GaBa or iCarly.
Little things seem to cause us many tears too. Monday Paul was in the bathroom and came out crying. I asked him if he was okay. His response, "I just saw Carly's toothbrush". That's all it takes. A toothbrush to cause our heart to break all over again.
Yesterday Paul and I stopped at a store to pick up some meat to grill. The cashier told Paul, "oh, my that's a really nice bracelet". The bracelet is one of Carly's. A very colorful, little girls bracelet. The cashier was teasing him about a man wearing a little kids bracelet. Paul and I looked at each other and he dropped his head. I went on to tell this lady that it was our daughter's who passed away in April. I also told her that Carly was just 8 years old. The lady's chin hit the counter. She told us that her grandchildren go to the same elementary school that Carly went to. I know the lady felt really bad for teasing about the bracelet, but I also knew that at some point, someone would say something. As far as bracelets,,,Ashleigh and I each wear one of Carly's bracelets too. As we walked out the door of the store, the cashier yelled to us, "I'm sorry for your loss". Paul just cringes when he hears that. He told me he can't figure out why that phrase bothers him so. He said he thinks it's the way it's said...Like, oh...sorry you stubbed your toe.
How we will go on with out her, I have no idea. Carly was the one who kept us going. Through all of her illnesses, near death experiences. She brought us through. Carly would just keep marching forward and we would march along side her. Well...now what?
Thankfully, the loss of a child is very uncommon. So much so, Carly's coffin had to be ordered and shipped via airplane and overnighted. I like to believe that people just don't know what to say to us and more often than not, they say the exact wrong thing. I don't believe people are being cruel...but it still stings us and probably always will. So the answer to the question, "so, it's getting easier"? The answer is NO!
New Mattress, Happy Girl
2 days ago