"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Angry & Quilt. (guilt)


I'm not going to go through and correct all the quilts to guilt's...cuz, frankly, I don't care. I knew I put 'quilt' in the title...meant to change it,,,but forgot to. Ashleigh pointed out the fact that I used the word 'quilt' each and every time. Now you see how my mind is working, or not so much! I can't remember ANYTHING. Can't remember how to spell words. Can't remember to place phone calls, barely remember to pay bills. I never know what day it is or what time it is. So, I'm sorry you're seeing me as I am these days. FRAZZLED! (Spell check didn't catch 'quilt' cuz it wasn't spelled wrong).


I'm so very angry.

I'm angry that I don't have my little sidekick with me each day.

I'm angry because I will NEVER understand why Carly was taken so suddenly.

I'm angry that I didn't have one more day with her.

I'm angry that I won't have a birthday cake to make for her for the next umpteen years.

I'm angry that I can't hear her sweet voice and that wonderful laugh of hers.

I'm angry that I can't hug her.

I'm angry that she can't hug me, and pat my back while doing so each time.

I'm angry that I won't see her grow up and reach all those milestones that she worked so hard for.

I'm angry that she was taken from us, just as she started to explode with her communication.

I'm angry that God could have changed this whole scenario, but didn't. Oh...that really has me angry. Which makes me doubt that there even is a god....and that even makes me angry.


I feel such quilt.

I feel quilt when I eat one of Carly's favorite foods.

I feel quilt when I eat any kind of food, because she cant any longer. And she LOVED her food.

I feel quilt when I go into a store and see something she wanted and I told her to "wait till the weather gets nice".

I feel quilt for going to McDonald's~her favorite place to eat.

I feel quilt if I smile.

I feel quilt if I cry.

I feel quilt if I don't cry.

I feel quilt for not seeing that there was anything, health wise, going on with Carly.

I feel quilt each time I get into our pool. Where Carly spent most summer afternoons.

I feel quilt because I continue to live and she was taken away from a family who loved her more than anything.

I feel quilt because I can barely function.

I feel quilt because my house is in a shambles.....and I could care less.

I feel quilt each night as I finally lay down, that I have the comfort of a home which Carly loved and she lays in a grave 4 miles from home.


Mary said...

I still keep you all in my prayers, hoping a little peace will come your way.

amyl4 said...

I question why Carly was taken also. I will never understand why these things happen to the most precious children on this earth. I am praying and thinking of you and your sweet daughter Carly. I can't imagine how horrific this pain is for you, just reading your post brings me to tears. Please know that even those who have never met you, pray for you and your family and send our love.

Cindy said...

You are amazing; sharing your life and emotions with us. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I thank you for letting me peek into your world.

I also wonder why God allowed this to happen. I know He is probably weeping as well, seeing you in such pain. This world is not what He wanted. Cancer, murder, those who starve while others have abundance. Not His original plan. But what a reunion it will be to to see Carly again!

I will continue to pray for you.

Heather said...

Sending love and prayers as you continue to navigate your way sweet Joany.

Because of the journey I taken over of the last 20 months,I have heartbreakingly watched a number of my friends,stand where you are in this moment and I know the guilt and the anger are all part of the process.Normal while living something so unnatural,for any family or any mother to have to endure.

Love and peace and strength to you always.

my family said...

We may never know His plan for us. It is a hard thing to grasp, who will ever understand why a sweet innocent child passes away?
Prayers are being lifted up for you and your family.

love and hugs to you

Kristen's mom said...

Carly is so very blessed to have such an amazing mother. She loved life because of you. She was happy because of you. She flourished because of you. I am not sure what you believe, but myself, I believe we are all sent here to be tested, except for our perfect little children who come here with a little something extra, they come to test those around them. And believe me Joany, You passed. Go to McDonalds, Sit in your pool, Think of Carly and be thankful you have those memories. You did everything right with Carly. Easy for me to say, I'm not wearing your shoes. yet. I think of you daily.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with your family as you go through this heart-wrenching (like that even begins to describe it) pain that you are dealing with now. I am amazed by your stength and wish you peace in your home and in your hearts.
Kristin (little liam)

Kristin said...

This post breaks my heart. I have heard that the hardest part of losing a child is moving on. You don't want to let yourself move on. If you stop feeling so much pain, then you feel guilty. You want to feel the pain because that is the part that's left of your relationship. That's not explaining it quite right. I wish Carly could somehow tell you she's ok and you'll be with her again someday. At least that's what I believe. But I'm not walking in your shoes, so I know I have no idea. Prayers.

Groves said...

I'm glad you didn't change the "quilt." Everything is shattered and somehow that just fits.

Grieving with you, and these posts are worth more than you will ever know.

Carly is never forgotten.

TUC said...

Joany, I came close but never lost a child so I hesitate to say anything to a grieving parent. But reading this I just had to reach out to you. Because I was so angry with God too and I questioned if he could be real as well, since he could have changed everything and didn't. It is ok to be pissed at God, he can take it, and he will still be there when you are ready to forgive him.
I am sorry you feel "quilt" about having things that Carly no longer has, but you know she isn't in the ground... she actually has things, wonderful things you can't even imagine. She is safe and happy.
I know that knowing those things doesn't ease the ache for her, and I hurt for you thinking about that.
Hugs & prayers

JennyH said...

My heart just breaks in half for you reading your post. You are always in my thoughts.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

tears streaming as i read this - you have every right to be feeling all of this and more! I think Kristen's mom had a very good perspective and hopefully her words will be comforting to you. we are praying every night for carly in heaven and her family!!! just wanted you to know!

Envyshope said...

Still thinking of you and your family. Stillpraying for you all each night.

Tina said...

My heart aches for you and my tears fall for you as I read what you have written. I can't imagine anything in the world that can possible make life easier for you right now, as there is nothing in the world more unimaginable and painful than losing a child, and all these feelings of anger and guilt are so totally normal.

It hurts to just read how much pain you are feeling and what makes it even worse is knowing that none of us can do or say anything to make you feel even a tiny bit better, but always know that we are all here to listen. Thinking of you and hoping for some peace to find it's way into your heart

Anonymous said...


Unknown said...

The pain of losing a child is inconcievable. Words are hopelessly inadequate in describing the pain. Sometimes I get angry simply because I cannot tell how much it hurts. I want someone to know how much it hurts. My situation is different than your's, my child was different than your's but the pain, the gut wrenching, soul searing, mind numbing, earth shattering pain is much the same, I think. I've given up trying to understand, it's not possible. But this I do know, I am going to see my little girl again someday. I know this because my God and your God, experienced this same pain so that we could see them again.

Michelle said...

I'm crying now after reading this post. I'm sorry you're feeling angry, and guilty, I'm sorry Carly isn't there with you as she should be. It's just not fair. Totally not fair. My heart breaks for your family.

Anonymous said...


Far Above Rubies said...

Joany, I also hesitate to share with a grieving parent, but want so much to reach out to you and comfort you.

I'm praying....

Far Above Rubies said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
b. brown said...

I just happened to see your site and my heart goes out to you in your loss. There are no words that can make anything better for you and I know that. I did want to tell you that once a counselor was talking to my daughter after the death of her best friend. The counselor asked my daughter how long it would take to heal a broken leg...she replied six months. The counselor said that healing a broken heart takes a lot longer. That was the best help she was given. To realize that your heart is truly broken it takes a long time to heal.

My prayers are with you all.

Anonymous said...

Quality is better than quantity.............................................................