"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Still around.

Yes, I'm still around. Been on facebook mostly. Playing some games and chatting with some friends. Yeah, I'm playing those dumb games. Silly as it sounds, those games help get me out of this horrible daily nightmare, even if it's only for a short time.

If you're my facebook friend, you've seen that I have had a MAJOR attitude problem, but given the circumstances surrounding me... I think I'M ENTITLED to be pissed off at the whole wide world for as long as I want to be. Altho., I'd hate for it to be too long. I really do not like these feelings. The feelings ANGER, HATE and PAIN. And yes, like I said above, I think I'm entitled to feeling like this.

Lot of things going on right now. My health has gone to Hell in a hand basket. Thanks to all this stress. Guess I never realized how much stress impacts a person, physically and mentally. It's been a roller coaster that's for sure.

Tonight Paul and I start our first grief counseling session. We opted out of group therapy. I didn't do so well with that. Maybe it was just the "group" mom and I attended. Maybe I just wasn't ready...but then, is anyone really ready for grief counseling of any sort? Especially for their 8 year old child. I doubt it. I know for a fact that Paul would not do well at all in a group therapy session. So, Paul and I will meet with a counselor together later this evening. Then, per the counselor's suggestion, she will meet with us separately. The counselor, I'll call her M., says that men and women grief so differently, that she feels it's best to see husband and wife at separate times. I guess that makes sense. Maybe that way 'M' can help Paul and I 'see' how and why we grieve over different things that have taken place over the course of this horrific 4 1/2 months.

Please, don't be offended if I don't visit your blog often in the next few weeks. I can't handle all the back to school excitement. It's just all too much for me right now. I so want to be doing that back to school thing with my girl. This really just plain sucks.

I'll be back soon. I think writing on this blog really does help me. Not sure why, but it does.
**I'm still working on that post about going to Carly's school just before the summer break started. It's just a little hard to get through it. And I want to make sure I leave nothing out.**


Cathy said...

Hugs, Joany!! No need to EVER apologize for how you are handling things. You have to work through things in your own way. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor...I hope M can help you. I know you don't know me well, but I do pray for you often.

Kristen said...

You're always in my thoughts. I am glad writing on the blog helps. We're here to listen.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

You have every right to feel everything you are feeling - i hope the grief counselor you have found can seriously help you and paul to work through all of the HORRIBLENESS (is that a word) you have been through and continue to go through!!! we are here for you - sorry i don't do facebook much at all, but I am thinking of you and checking your blog any time you update it.

Lacey said...

Yes, please don't apologize for anything Joany! If people can't handle your pissy mood, than they should just stay away. I would be pissed at the whole world too! I hope this counsler can help you sort things out. Because I do hate to see you not able to function for too long. I think you can do some good in this world still!!