An explaination

I was asked to post this by one of my readers. Below, way down below, is my reply (left on my comments) to a comment left on this post, The music in our hearts forever . As you will see, it's to an anonymous reader. An explanation of sorts. Even though it's very hard to explain.

No, I wasn't angry over the comment you (anonymous reader) left. You asked and expressed your concern regarding our other children. Grown, children. And I answered best I could.

This morning, after reading through some comments on my blog, I asked Ashleigh how she felt. If she felt left out, regarding how we buried Carly. How she felt about the headstone; having Carly on the same one as ours. You know what her response was??? " That's how I would have buried her if things would have gone as we had hoped. If Carly would have lived her life out beyond you and dad". So you see??? This is how it would have been regardless of who passed first.

Our older kids had a very special relationship with Carly. Very much, unlike the relationship they have with each other. This is what a special needs child does to a family. They form relationships with family members unlike any other. That's just the way it is. I can't explain it. I don't really understand it and I don't know why or how it works that way, but it does. You mothers and fathers out there who read this blog, who have a special needs child can relate 100%.

And an extra little tid bit for ya...Ashleigh and Brad both placed items in Carly's casket the day of the funeral. That way, a part of them would always be with their baby sister. Ashleigh placed a ring on Carly's little finger. Likely one of the hardest things for any sister to do. Pick up your baby sister's little finger while lying in a casket and placing her favorite, "sissy" ring on her. The ring was one of Carly's favorite things of her sissy's. She would put that ring on her finger, even tho., it was way big on her.... and prance around the house with her little fingers folded up, so the ring would stay on, saying, "sissy, sissy, sissy". Brad placed a picture in the casket of him and Carly. It was in a frame which said, "Brother & Sister". The picture was taken a few years ago, while Carly was still on chemo, but the worse part of the chemo was behind us then. She look GREAT. It's a beautiful picture of the two of them. She was sitting on his lap and the love you could see between the two of them was quite obvious.

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Below, in red is my response to the "anonymous reader". As I said above, I wrote my response in a comment to this post. I've only copied it on to today's post, per the request of one of my readers. I don't think it's going to post on the blog in paragraph form. When I preview it, it all runs together. But, you'll get the just of it.



Dear anonymous reader,

Our other two children are grown; Ashleigh is going on 24, Brad is going on 21. We, and they fully expect that one day they will have their own families and as you and I...they will be buried with their spouse.

Furthermore, Carly was OUR little girl. We expected her to live a very long life, until we passed away, to which she would have gone to live with her sister~yes, we already were thinking that far ahead. You kind of have to when you have a special needs child. We already knew that she would be buried between us some day. Of course we NEVER dreamed that we would be burying our baby before us. And, FYI...we do have another grave next to mine, lord forbid something were to happen to one of our GROWN children, before they have a family/spouse of their own.

Carly was every bit of my life. I lived and breathed that little girl. Did that mean I loved her more than my other children. NO. But the love and bond we shared was much different than the love I have/share with our other children. That being said, Carly was going to forever be dependent on me/us. Believe me, that changes things. I don't know why or how, but it does.

Unless you have a special needs child, who you have seen fight and fight and fight to survive...and indeed survive over and over, countless health issues you will never understand where I'm coming from here.

A bond between a mother and a special needs child is quite different. I believe it's just as I explained it above.

Ashleigh used to mother Carly quite a bit. I had to remind her often that "I" am Carly's mom. To which Ashleigh would reply, "no offense mom, you aren't going to live forever. Some day Carly is going to be mine" So you see...the bond with Carly was a mutual thing. We all knew she would forever be in need of all of us.

Ashleigh and Brad were in complete agreement as to "how" Mama, Paul and Carly would be buried. For that matter, so were many family members and friends.

Another thing. Ashleigh and Brad were NOT left out of this. Both their names, in Carly's point of view, are on the back of the stone. "Sissy" & "Bubba", just the way she always referred to them. That's what THEY wanted on the stone.

I hope, if you do in fact have a special needs child...you're thinking on the future, which includes figuring out how/where you want your child buried one day. Hopefully, your special needs child, if you have one, lives a long and healthy, happy life. We weren't that lucky.

Like it or not. This is the way our entire family thought it should be. Me, Carly and Paul forever lying next to each other one day.