Treasure Each Moment

...July 4, 2009 was the last 4th of July we had with both Brad and Carly. We had such a good time that year. With the exception of Brad nearly blowing off his finger while setting off bottle rockets :/  Ashleigh wasn't with us that year, she was with friends, on vacation in California.  But, July 4, 2009 was the first, and sadly the last year that Carly used Sparklers. She was in awe of them. :)

So, as we go about our day today, our hearts will remain heavy. Missing both of those kids more than I could ever attempt to explain to anyone. Wishing more than anything we could do Sparklers with our sweet girl again this year and each year after. Wishing Brad was here, he'd be in his glory this year, now that Fireworks are legal in Michigan.

We will be heading to my brother and sister inlaws house (where we were in 2009) today and having fireworks there as well. It's going to be tough, I'm sure, but we will be surrounded by family, who will, I'm sure, be feeling our losses as well. And we'll be missing Ashleigh too. But, our hearts rest easy knowing she is happy with life aboard the USS Eisenhower. They are docked in Palma, Spain for the next several days. Boy, is she one excited Sailor!

Enjoy your July 4th 2012. Be safe. And always remember, Treasure Each Moment, make lots and LOTS of memories...one never knows what tomorrow may bring.

Mother's Day

This Mother's Day, I have a whole different take on the meaning. 

Honestly, I dread the day.  

Likely, no more than I dread every day.

But, this day...

The day when mother's are happily enjoying their day and their children. 

I yearn for mine. 

Missing ALL, of my kids.

 And wish nothing more than to have all 3 of them here, with me, on this day. 

Instead, I will visit 2 of them at the cemetery.

But, I will be thankful to be able to talk to Ashleigh on the phone.

So happy that she's just a phone call away.

Happy Mother's Day, to all who are able to enjoy their children. Squeeze those kids

just a little tighter today. One never knows what tomorrow may bring.

Happy Mother's Day to all those who grieve the loss of their children.

May we all find some sort of comfort on this day.

The Dream

As I blogged about the other day, May 8th was 7 months since our fire. 7 months since we last saw our son. It was a hard day. Harder than I thought it would have been.

I talked with Ashleigh on the 8th. She told me about, The Dream she had in the early morning hours of May 8th. Brad was in it. Actually, he appeared in her dream. She told me that he walked up to her, she turned to look at him, asking him, "What are you doing here?" He was all smiles. Very happy. His response, "I'm okay, Ash." (he has called Ashleigh, Ash, since he started talking. I don't think he ever called her Ashleigh!) He went on to say, "Tell mom and dad." How about that?? It made tears run down my face. I think he actually came to her that night.

I've yet to be able to dream about Brad. I've had many dreams about Carly. They've been awful. Very disturbing. But, I've had no dreams about Brad. It makes me sad, really. However, I'm so happy that he appeared in Ashleigh's dream and that he was happy. Like Ashleigh said, "I guess there's some comfort in that."

Paul had such a hard time hearing about that dream. He cried and cried and cried, as we stood at the graves of our children. We both decided that it had to be a sign. That he must of came to Ashleigh during the night. I've never really believed in that kind of stuff before, but this is makes me rethink many things.

Sure, we've been having some pretty strong signs of Brad's presence around here. Carly's too, for that matter. But nothing like, The Dream that Ashleigh had the other night.

************

I'm trying to do a blog makeover. Please pay no attention to the jumbled, under construction look!

Just A Coincidence

...or a sign?

Paul and I have been car shopping for Ashleigh. Yes, here in Michigan. She got financed, in VA, but we didn't want her out car shopping on her own. So, she sent a nice BIG fat check to us..to spend..for her! Along with some pretty harsh instructions on what type of car she wanted..right up to color choices. We've had a tough time looking for certain makes/models/colors of cars to suite Ashleigh's fancy! She's one picky gal!

While car shopping, over the course of 5 weeks, we went to many dealerships. Each time we would get close to closing the deal, something would go completely wrong and the deal would fall all to pieces. It was frustrating for us and for Ashleigh. That being said, after all those weeks and disappointments ... we picked up a 2010 Malibu with only 16,000 miles on it, just a few hours ago. Very sharp car!

As Paul was out alone one night (car shopping), he sent me a text. All the text said was, "I found a car. This is the one." Once he got home, he told me about the salesman. It turned out that the salesman is married to the lead detective for the Michigan State Police, who headed up the investigation on the night of Brad's death/fire. She has since turned it over to another detective, (the case is still open). Just A Coincidence or a sign?? Truthfully, we aren't sure. But this deal went off without a hitch. The car is in our driveway now--as I type. Could it be Brad's way of saying.."this car is the one."? No idea. Whatever the case, it gave us chills to meet the detectives husband and buy a car from him.

Earlier today, Paul and I headed to the dealership to pick up Ashleigh's car. As we were getting ready to leave the dealership, keys in hand to that pretty, shiny, blue car, we ran into a very familiar face. Even though we hadn't seen this face in quite sometime. Mandy, one of Carly's favorite oncology nurses was in the dealership buying herself a new car. She took care of Carly many times while we were inpatient. And she kept me company on many endless nights. We just loved her. We were always somewhat relieved to see her face come into our hospital room. We knew we'd be well taken care of. When Mandy's eyes met ours while standing in that dealership and she screeched..."Carly's mom and dad!" Yep, she remembered us and our sweet girl. She hadn't seen Carly in about 4 yrs..or more. I guess it's been over 4yrs, now that I sit here and think about it. She had her son with her today, who is 5yrs old. . . she didn't have kids when she took care of Carly. Anyway, the next words out of her mouth, and I knew they were coming... "Oh my gosh, how's Carly?" Instant tears poured out of my eyes. And I mean instant. So instant, that I was kind of thrown for a loop. And I'll never forget the look on her face. Ever. Oh my gosh! Poor Mandy had no idea what had happened. And then, she cried too. We stood inside that dealership hugging and crying. Just A Coincidence or a sign? Again, no idea. But we think maybe, just m a y b e, both Carly and Brad were with us today.

Through all my counseling, reading, and research on grief and grieving, I've read and been told countless times.."there will be signs." We are starting to believe this to be true. And we're somewhat freaked out by it. Favorite songs of both Carly and Brad come on the radio more and more often lately. What's even more freaky than hearing those songs, is the timing of the songs. Purple (Carly's favorite color) flowers poppin' up randomly. Finding everything imaginable in Eagle form..Brad loved Eagles! As a matter of fact, I found an Eagle garden statue about 2ft tall...I bought it (wasn't even looking for one) and placed it at his grave. It seems wherever I go, I see something with Eagles on it. And as crazy, weird as this sounds, I've even thought that I smelled their scent a time or two. Just don't know what to think, are these all Just A Coincidence...or a sign?

There is not a day that goes by, that we don't miss Carly and Brad. There is not a day that passes, that they aren't heavy on our minds. We are so completely lost without them both. Our hearts actually hurt. Every. Single. Day. I think often of what we'd be doing with Carly. Playing outside everyday after school. Watching Disney 24/7. Listening to her boom box blasting out Hannah Montana. I miss her sweet little voice and her chuckle of a laugh..which was exactly like Brad's! We miss Brad's voice. His chuckle and we are lost without him helping us with all our techie stuff. We are totally in the dark when it comes to all things techie. We miss the relationship that the two of them had. And we are so very sad that Brad never will have the joy of being a dad. We will never see any grandchildren from our son.

The week before Carly passed away, we ordered pizza. When the pizza arrived, Carly came around the corner, into the kitchen, took one look at the delivery guy and spun around running to Brad's room, screaming, "BUBBA, B U B B A" He came out of his room and said, "dang Carly, I can hear ya know" Whenever Carly had candy, she'd run to her "Bubba" and make sure he got a piece too. Truth be known, he probably told her she HAD to give him some of her candy! She even put stickers on his bedroom door - he left them there for a LONG, LONG time. And even though we are struggling with God right now..we are trying VERY hard to hold on to any shred of hope. We are doing, or trying to do this..in hopes that our two kids are together. It's not easy for us. We are still VERY pissed off and will likely be for many, many years to come.

On a lighter note. Paul and I are heading to VA on Thursday to personally deliver Ashleigh's car to her. She's super excited to get the car and we're equally excited and super anxious to see her. Even if only for a few days..it will do all 3 of us good. And, we'll be together for Easter, which is also the 6mo date of our fire and Brad's death. I'm thinking we're going to do something completely different for Easter dinner this year. Not the traditional ham dinner. Maybe a nice big steak dinner. Steak was Brad's favorite meal. It's also the meal he requested just 50 minutes before his death. I know he'd enjoy a steak for Easter dinner..he never liked ham.

Survivor, Surviving...

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom...through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal~
~unknown~

********************

I think I've mastered the "smile of disguise" and it's harder than you could ever begin to imagine. I am surviving and so is Paul. I'm not quite sure how, because the whole process of surviving is hard work.

Paul and I have been having a rough time the past week or so. Facing the fact, the harsh reality of life without both Carly and Brad has been tough the last several days. This whole grieving thing, it isn't getting any easier for either of us and some days, it's nearly unbearable.

As March rolls in, our fears of Carly's approaching 2yr angel anniversary are becoming crystal clear. It's pretty scary for us. We can't believe we are coming up on the 2yr mark. And we can't believe that we've lost another child during that time. We are living a real, live, freaking nightmare.

They say, whoever they are...the experts on grief, I guess. Anyway, they say the 2nd year is the hardest to get through ~ during the grieving process, of a lifetime. We wouldn't know. Because during that time, we lost our son, Brad. Grieving 2 kids is hard. Very hard. We've been so numb over losing Brad that we haven't been able to hit the 2yr grieving mark for Carly. They, say the 2nd year of the grieving process is a huge hurdle to clear..it's suppose to be the very hardest part of this gut wrenching journey. But, it's important because..supposedly, when you get through the 2 year mark, things start getting more bearable. Not easier, just a bit more bearable because all of the "firsts" are over with..behind you. Such as; the first Christmas, birthday or any other special day.

We keep pushing forward and we're trying so hard to survive, but it's the hardest thing we've ever done in our lives. You can't imagine how hard it is for us to get up each morning, and just function. I'm home all day. Paul goes to work each day. We talk to each other several times a day and I can hear the life just draining out of his voice. He is in such awful shape. I worry about him all day long. He cries nearly all the time. Yes, he's on med's, (we both are) but in all honesty, med's don't heal a broken heart. A broken heart, times two.

Ashleigh is the only reason that Paul and I can face each day. She gives us the will to go on with our lives. It's really hard to have her 800 miles away from us right now, but at least we can talk to her whenever we want. Paul and I worry about her every single day. How that girl continues to move forward with her life is beyond me. She has such strength and determination. Despite the fact that she has lost both of her siblings. I'd have to say, she's pretty darn amazing. I feel so terrible though, because she "parents" us every now and then. Not kidding. It's like a role reversal. She sees us hanging at the end of our rope and she pulls us back in.

Surviving, is an awful hard job.

The Run Down...

I've been working on a blog post for a week now...thought I'd post a "run down" of the goings on around here lately.

Last week was another crazy, hectic week around here. They, whoever they are, say "busy" is a good thing. I don't know whether to agree with that..or disagree.

What remained of our burned home was removed last week. It was pretty difficult to see. We cried. It was very sad. I bought that home and had it placed on a piece of property that I purchased, 18yrs ago for the kids and I. Paul and I were divorced at that time. Brad was 4yrs old when we moved in. So it was, basically, his only home. It was the home where many wonderful memories were made. The home we brought Carly home to, after she was born. It. Sucked. To. See. It. Go.

Tuesday my parents, (we're living with them) headed to Florida for a couple months. Our house (new one) was in the process of being set, (its a modular/manufactured/whatever you call it, kind of home.) but issue after issue kept coming up. And the fact that the workers we have, only want to work 1/2 days! Grrr.... Seriously, who starts construction work at noon?? Apparently, the crew we found!

Wednesday, the 8th, Paul and I had to head to the Michigan State Police Head Quarters, in Lansing. We were finally being interviewed. Holy crap, 4 months to the day of our fire and the death of our son and we FINALLY, had a REAL and proper interview. I guess all the lab work had to be complete, which is quite a slow and lengthy process. Paul and I were interviewed briefly, on that horrible night, while we were on the scene, but,,Wednesday was more in depth. We are so thankful that we did get interviewed, even tho Paul cried through much of his interview and I gagged and nearly threw up on several occasions. It. Was. Difficult. We left after 2hrs, feeling completely exhausted. But, hopeful that the detectives will be able to figure out just what took place in our home. And for the record...we did find out that Brad had a clean toxicology test, which proves to those who like to blab and gossip,,,that Brad was NOT cooking meth!

Thursday, I met up again, with the detective who is leading the investigation. We talked quite a bit about the case. The strange circumstances that took place on the horrific night and about Paul. Paul is in bad shape. BAD shape. All the things we've gone through in the past 21+ months and the fact that he has an, A double S, for a boss...is just pushing him over the edge. The detective is extremely concerned about his stability. As we all are. We are in the process of searching for help for both Paul and I. But, his wonderful boss has not been paying into our insurance and we will lose it the end of February, or we can shell out about $800, which we can't spare, to keep it for 30 days...So, we are stuck AGAIN, between a rock and a hard spot..We need more than just a grief counselor. We went the counselor route when we lost Carly. It was ok, and I even learned a few things in my 6months of counseling. However, it soon becomes more like you're just repeating yourself week after week. Like a record that just keeps skipping over and over and over. I for one, got tired of going in and just saying the same thing. But for now, help will just have to wait..we can't do $300 a week sessions (a piece) and we can't pay for our health insurance...so we'll just see how it all plays out. Well, I did it...I got myself all pissed off thinking about Paul's stupid @$$ boss who cares nothing for his employees! &*%$@!

As for our new home, it has finally been set. There is still so much work to finish, but it is set. Next up, finishing the dry wall work, painting, the stretching of the carpet But, none of that can be done until the electric and gas are both hooked up. We still have a ways to go, but we're getting there.

In all honestly, I am terrified to go back "home". I'm not excited. I'm not looking forward to it. I dread it. I get sick. Physically sick, when we shop for furniture. I get knots in my stomach even thinking about what colors to paint the walls. And even though the fact remains, that this is a different home, I KNOW it will be extremely hard for Paul and I. We will be at home. We will be at an empty home. An empty home with no kids. Empty bedrooms. Quiet. Empty. Empty. Quiet. I've never experienced that before. Not in 25yrs...and believe me, it scares me sh!t less!

Today, Ashleigh left, after being home for 11 days. It's been so nice to have her here, but boy, the time sure does go fast. And we already miss her. Paul and I are both having much anxiety over her being gone again. Sure, we know where she will be, which is nice. We know that we can drive to see her in only about 11 or so hours...except, we have no idea when we will see her again and for us, that's not very comforting. But, she is happy with her decision to join the military. And for that, we are thankful. We are proud of her, for going after the things she wants out of life. We are proud of her determination and of the strength that she has within herself. She's been through so much. Losing both of her siblings in less than 18months and learning about their deaths via a telephone call is wrong in so many ways. As bad as Paul and I feel and as much as we hurt over losing 2 of our 3 children, our hearts hurt even more for our only surviving child. I can't even begin to explain the hurt that we feel for Ashleigh. We gave her 2 siblings...and now they are gone. That does more than just break my heart...it shatters it.

Finally..

..I have my computer and can now start back with my blogging. I didn't realize how therapeutic blogging is for a grieving mother.

So much has been going on the past few months and I will do my best to post some status updates very soon, but it's really late and so I'll keep this post very short-/ish.

We are all, still pretty much in a fog. A fog that I fear will never clear for us. We still don't have many answers as to what happened on that horrible night of October 8, 2011. The State Police are not satisfied with much of the evidence and, as of today, (1/12/12) this nearly closed case (regarding Brad's death) is now very much, re-opened and being re-investigated. And that's about all I can share with you, for the time being.

Paul and I continue to live with my parents. Our insurance fiasco is almost complete. I can not stress enough the importance of reviewing your homeowners policy. Oh my GOSH!! Unbelievable, the wool they pull over your eyes.

As for our home and whats happening on that end..-.. We lived in a modular home and we are having that replaced with a new one. It's being built now and should be done and shipped to Michigan on Feb 1. We are looking at moving in by mid February. During the first few weeks of our nightmare, our insurance Co had first thought that rebuilding our existing home would be best..but, thankfully, (Paul and I couldn't imagine having to go back to the very home our son died in) our adjuster realized the cost to rebuild, would likely cost more than just replacing it with a new home. So, we went to Indiana, looked at homes and picked one out. It was no easy task. Paul and I shed many tears as we looked for a new home. It was not fun. It was pure HELL.

As far as how we are doing. Well, not so great. We have many moments that are almost unbearable. Just the other day Paul and I went to the doctor. Paul needed some med's to help him sleep. While we were there, I mentioned to the doc that I had been having strange chest pains, but that I figured it was anxiety/stress. Doc checked me out and said all sounded good and that it was likely the anxiety. But I will be seeing my cardiologist and go through the whole stress test, ekg, echo..which I'm long overdue for. We both have many sleepless nights. I have more than Paul, but because Paul works every day, he needed some medication to help him out. I take enough med's and really don't want to add to my long list.

Grieving your child is hard, exhausting work. Grieving two children drains every fiber of your being. We get out of bed each and every morning feeling as tho we never slept a wink all night. If by chance I do sleep half way decent at night, (5hrs is about my max., sleep time) I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a freaking truck. Its so hard feeling sick and tired every day. And I mean every day. I'm sick to my stomach every day. I'm having headaches on a daily basis. And honestly, just putting one foot in front of the other seems to be pretty dam hard these days.

Ashleigh is about to finish up her "A" School (aka tech school) and then she will be back home for a couple of weeks to visit before she heads off to Norfolk Va. Paul and I are pretty happy that she will be "close" to us...about 10hrs away...but, that's only a days driving and that's a good thing for us. She seems to be doing okay. Although she did mention that she thinks she's going to need some counseling once she gets to Virginia. I'm thankful she realizes that and that she is willing to seek out some help for herself. I worry about her and I often wonder how she functions each day. I'm unsure how she continues to get up and do her job/training, knowing that she now has no siblings. I can't even begin imagine how that must feel for her. It hurts my heart even more when I think about Ash, having to go through her life without her brother and her sister.

At some point, I will need to do another makeover on this blog. I have no idea how or what to do. Input would be greatly appreciated. I just know that somehow, I need to figure out how to put both Brad and Carly's pictures on the heading..but that will just have to wait until the kinks in my brain straighten out a tad bit.

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.

~Grieving Mothers~

7 Days...

until we see Ashleigh again. Knowing that we would be seeing her has given us something to look forward to during the past month. We are VERY anxious and excited to see Ash next week. I'm sure it will be a very emotional reunion.

We received a letter from Ash the other day, telling us that on 11/8 she would be going into the gas chamber. I, myself would have been freaked out by that....not Ash, she was excited and seemed to be looking forward to do it! The Navy has been keeping her very, very busy and that is likely a good thing. This Saturday they are having the Captains Cup, which means that each division compete against each other, kind of like school kids having field days. She sounds pretty excited about it. Another task she will take on this week is being placed on a simulated ship, built by Disney. Her Chief has told them to "prepare yourselves, it's very much reality." They are kept up for 40 straight hours with no food. Again, she is looking forward to it. She says, "sounds like fun." Once all of that is complete, they are considered Sailors!

As for her emotional/mental state concerning the death of Brad, she is very confused. She is angry and so hurt that so many people who know our family, had started gossiping about our son, her brother and the cause of his death. It's so hurtful when others run their mouths. It has hurt her deeply. As I've said before, WE knew our son..those who talk and speculate, did NOT. And those who talk/gossip/speculate have no flipping idea what the State Police have shared with us. Poor Ashleigh is not able to come to terms with the fact that she has no siblings left. I imagine its pretty hard to wrap her brain around what has happened to our family while having to focus on getting through basic training. She says that the reality has not fully hit her yet and she fears and dreads the day it does. We dread it for her :*( too.

Although we will only have Friday (11/18) to actually spend with Ashleigh, we are all looking very forward to it. Her graduation is at 9am ending at 10:30am and from there, she is granted "liberty", which means a day pass and she will be able to leave the base and head into Chicago with us to spend much of the day. On Saturday (11/19), Ash will be taken to the Airport bright and early...like 3am...where she will sit for some several hours before being placed on a plane and taken to her next base. I think we are going to make a stop at the airport and spend some time with her there as well. Once on the plane, she will head to Mississippi where she will be attending schooling for 8 weeks. She has asked that Paul and I come to her for Christmas this year. Nothing is definite yet, we are still waiting to see if she may possibly get leave time to come home for the holidays. But, if she prefers us going to her, then we will. We're going to do whatever she would like. If being home with us and my family, then we'll do that, but if not...we will be in Mississippi this Christmas. I don't even want to think "Christmas" it scares the crap out of me this year.

Next Monday we meet with the insurance agent and our new adjuster..I got the other adjuster removed from our claim...only to now find out he has been bad mouthing us, (since being removed) to people we've called in for quotes/estimates that we have being gathered. NOT, cool! Safe to say, we are not looking forward to our meeting.

We do however, look forward to getting all this insurance garb out of the way. We'd like to be able to actually let our grief take over and not be dealing with back and forth crap from the insurance company. I've never run across people who have no compassion like these insurance people...sheesh. We are floored by all this insurance crap. Just when you think you've paid your premiums for 18yrs to have homeowners insurance..and be covered,,just in case the unimaginable happens...your eyes are opened to a whole knew piece of the insurance puzzle when the unimaginable does happen.

7 days...can't wait till this week passes!

**most of this post has been done on my phone..hopefully, it will post okay. I would really like my own computer again!

Everything came crashing down..

Woke up this morning feeling like crap..love days when you wake up and feel miserable. NOT! Most days I wake up sad..so throw in feeling like crap and boy oh boy does it make for a bang up kind of morning.

This past week has been difficult for me. It hit me, that saying goodbye to Ashleigh, our oldest (24yr old) was going to be much harder on me than I had imagined. I dreaded the whole 'goodbye' and feared I would feel just exactly as I did...everything came crashing down, around me. That whole feeling of loss hit me all over again.

Even though I kept telling myself that there is a difference between this loss and the loss of Carly. Everything came crashing down. I know most of you will likely think that there is such a huge difference between these two losses..and you are likely wondering, how can she even compare the two. I know, I KNOW but for a "mama" who suddenly loses her baby girl its kind of hard to separate the feelings of one loss from another.

We had a going away party for Ashleigh, complete with friends and family. It was a GREAT time. I'll do a post on her later this week about her leaving and her party. The night before the party, it hit me. LOSS. The feeling of total complete loss. Again. And even though I tell myself that this loss is a good kind of loss..well, actually I try to convince myself that a good kind of loss even exists...like I said above, it's still a loss. At least in my eyes.

In less than 1 - 1/2 yrs I've lost both my daughters. Yes I KNOW Ashleigh is doing what she needs to do (for those who don't know, Ash joined the Navy) to better her life..and live her life as she needs to and I'm/we are very proud of her for being such a determined young lady. But I still feel a loss. She is gone and even tho I'm proud of what she is doing,,,the fact remains, she's gone now.

Again, my house is eerily quiet. Ashleigh is a motor mouth..which may prove to be a bad thing in the military! Just yesterday I picked up my phone to text her and again everything came crashing down...I can't do that anymore-mainly because she belongs to the Navy now and she had to leave her cell phone at home. I can no longer just pick up my phone to call her or text her anytime I want to, like I used to do.

Last night I received a surprising and very quick phone call from Ashleigh. A quick 48 second call as a matter of fact! She called to tell me that she made it to her base safely and that she will write with an address in a week or so. She also said, "mom, I wont be talking to you for about 3 weeks." I've never gone a day without a conversation with Ashleigh. It's going to be a long 3 weeks for me.

So as I sit here this morning, I have come to realize...our life has to find another new normal. I can't even begin to tell you all how I HATE new normals. HATE them with a passion..and you guessed it, everything came crashing down, again.

Sisters

***edited*** I can see all these pictures, but you all can see only a few of them..some see red x's or little boxes...just as I posted the first post, networked blogs had some sort of a glitch and wouldn't post. Let's see if the 2nd time around is the charm!

I always wished I would have had a sister. Except for the times that I witnessed "sisterly cat fights" between my girlfriends and their sisters! But still, I always wanted a sister. Especially during the past year. However, I do have 2 sister in-laws, who are just as good as sisters to me and I'm okay with that.

I did however give birth to two girls and one boy. Girls. Sisters, what I had always longed for. I was so happy to be able to give my first born daughter a little sister. Took a while, but Carly eventually arrived. And filled our hearts with a love that I can't even begin to explain and I doubt most of you would even understand the love we have for our precious little Carly.

Now as I sit and watch my daughter Ashleigh, suffer the loss of her little sister, it tears my heart up. Nothing worse than losing your child, other than seeing your other children grieving their little sister too.

The love my two girls had for each other was something I envied. Something I had never seen before. I wasn't jealous of their love between each other, but I envied it, in a way that only a sister of two big brothers would understand.

Just the other day, Ashleigh walked in from work and said, "well, today is officially 1 year since I've seen Carly alive." I'm telling you, Ashleigh's heart is broken and I dare say, nearly as much as her mother's heart is. Anyway, I was sitting in the living room and about fell out of my chair when Ashleigh announced her 1 year ago....

I remember that weekend, one year ago, just as vividly as if it were yesterday. It was Easter weekend. Ashleigh had finally came home to visit. She hadn't been home in 6 long weeks. Carly was utterly pissed off at Ashleigh for about an hour or so. Pissed, no doubt, because she hadn't seen her "sissy" in 6 weeks. Eventually, that sisterly bond was shining through once again. Carly was great NOT to hold a grudge very long!

On Saturday, Paul and I headed to get groceries. We left the kids (all 3 of them) at home. Carly was in her glory by then! She had her sissy's full on attention. As we pulled out of the driveway, our two girls were playing outside. "Bat ball" aka- baseball-was Carly's first choice.

Paul and I came home about 3 hours later. As we walked into the house, we could hear that Ashleigh had Carly in the bathtub. Only to find out later that Ashleigh washed her little sisters hair with DOG SHAMPOO!!! I about passed out when I discovered that big oops! Ashleigh said that Carly told her, "no, no, no", but big sissy didn't listen and went on to use the dogs shampoo! UGH...

We talked about what the girls had done while outside playing. They played, bat ball, in the sand box, on the swing set and headed to the neighbors house. Which was unoccupied at the time-it was up for sale. The neighbors house has a nice big front porch and a HUGE back deck. Miss Carly loved the porch and the deck. She knew she wasn't allowed over there. BUT, sissy didn't know that! ! Although, sissy did know better! But, Carly being Carly was begging to go to the neighbors. Ashleigh said that she kept telling her no. At one point, Ashleigh even told Carly "there are monsters over there Carly" the problem with that was, Carly LOVED monsters! No kidding. She LOVED monsters! I guess Ashleigh forgot all about that. So, up Carly jumps and runs to the neighbors, looking for monsters, telling Ashleigh, "shh" while they quietly crept around looking for the monsters. Thankfully, they didn't find any!

The next day was Easter Sunday. Just two weeks before we lost the littlest love of our lives.

WARNING: PICTURE OVERLOAD!

Sorry that this post is chock full of sister pictures. Guess I wanted to get a point across. The love between these two sisters is and was so precious. I think you'll see the love shining through in each and every one.

I decided not to put captions on the pictures. I only hope you see the love between the two of them. Here they are, in no particular order. Some are tiny..due to a cell phone camera, but they are just as precious as all the other pictures!

Can you see it? Can you see the love these two girls of mine shared? I miss seeing this. Pictures are great and I'm so happy to have them, but I much prefer having both my girls in my life. To watch them both grow and learn and live life.

Make sure you take note of the special bonds that your children have with each other. It really is a treasure.

An explaination

I was asked to post this by one of my readers. Below, way down below, is my reply (left on my comments) to a comment left on this post, The music in our hearts forever . As you will see, it's to an anonymous reader. An explanation of sorts. Even though it's very hard to explain.

No, I wasn't angry over the comment you (anonymous reader) left. You asked and expressed your concern regarding our other children. Grown, children. And I answered best I could.

This morning, after reading through some comments on my blog, I asked Ashleigh how she felt. If she felt left out, regarding how we buried Carly. How she felt about the headstone; having Carly on the same one as ours. You know what her response was??? " That's how I would have buried her if things would have gone as we had hoped. If Carly would have lived her life out beyond you and dad". So you see??? This is how it would have been regardless of who passed first.

Our older kids had a very special relationship with Carly. Very much, unlike the relationship they have with each other. This is what a special needs child does to a family. They form relationships with family members unlike any other. That's just the way it is. I can't explain it. I don't really understand it and I don't know why or how it works that way, but it does. You mothers and fathers out there who read this blog, who have a special needs child can relate 100%.

And an extra little tid bit for ya...Ashleigh and Brad both placed items in Carly's casket the day of the funeral. That way, a part of them would always be with their baby sister. Ashleigh placed a ring on Carly's little finger. Likely one of the hardest things for any sister to do. Pick up your baby sister's little finger while lying in a casket and placing her favorite, "sissy" ring on her. The ring was one of Carly's favorite things of her sissy's. She would put that ring on her finger, even tho., it was way big on her.... and prance around the house with her little fingers folded up, so the ring would stay on, saying, "sissy, sissy, sissy". Brad placed a picture in the casket of him and Carly. It was in a frame which said, "Brother & Sister". The picture was taken a few years ago, while Carly was still on chemo, but the worse part of the chemo was behind us then. She look GREAT. It's a beautiful picture of the two of them. She was sitting on his lap and the love you could see between the two of them was quite obvious.

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Below, in red is my response to the "anonymous reader". As I said above, I wrote my response in a comment to this post. I've only copied it on to today's post, per the request of one of my readers. I don't think it's going to post on the blog in paragraph form. When I preview it, it all runs together. But, you'll get the just of it.



Dear anonymous reader,

Our other two children are grown; Ashleigh is going on 24, Brad is going on 21. We, and they fully expect that one day they will have their own families and as you and I...they will be buried with their spouse.

Furthermore, Carly was OUR little girl. We expected her to live a very long life, until we passed away, to which she would have gone to live with her sister~yes, we already were thinking that far ahead. You kind of have to when you have a special needs child. We already knew that she would be buried between us some day. Of course we NEVER dreamed that we would be burying our baby before us. And, FYI...we do have another grave next to mine, lord forbid something were to happen to one of our GROWN children, before they have a family/spouse of their own.

Carly was every bit of my life. I lived and breathed that little girl. Did that mean I loved her more than my other children. NO. But the love and bond we shared was much different than the love I have/share with our other children. That being said, Carly was going to forever be dependent on me/us. Believe me, that changes things. I don't know why or how, but it does.

Unless you have a special needs child, who you have seen fight and fight and fight to survive...and indeed survive over and over, countless health issues you will never understand where I'm coming from here.

A bond between a mother and a special needs child is quite different. I believe it's just as I explained it above.

Ashleigh used to mother Carly quite a bit. I had to remind her often that "I" am Carly's mom. To which Ashleigh would reply, "no offense mom, you aren't going to live forever. Some day Carly is going to be mine" So you see...the bond with Carly was a mutual thing. We all knew she would forever be in need of all of us.

Ashleigh and Brad were in complete agreement as to "how" Mama, Paul and Carly would be buried. For that matter, so were many family members and friends.

Another thing. Ashleigh and Brad were NOT left out of this. Both their names, in Carly's point of view, are on the back of the stone. "Sissy" & "Bubba", just the way she always referred to them. That's what THEY wanted on the stone.

I hope, if you do in fact have a special needs child...you're thinking on the future, which includes figuring out how/where you want your child buried one day. Hopefully, your special needs child, if you have one, lives a long and healthy, happy life. We weren't that lucky.

Like it or not. This is the way our entire family thought it should be. Me, Carly and Paul forever lying next to each other one day.

Donations to CLF of Michigan

I've been asked a couple of times about the CLF (children's leukemia foundation) 5k walk/run taking place on Saturday, Aug 14. People are wondering if they can still donate. The answer is YES. Please do, if you are able to.
Click here CLF and then click the donate button and follow the directions.

This is a wonderful cause to donate to. CLF of Michigan provides support to families who have a loved one battling leukemia or another blood disorder/cancer. They help with utilities, mortgage payments, car repairs and even provide families gifts for children with siblings or a parent who is battling a blood cancer, during Christmas time. We never took advantage of their services. Came awful close a few times, but we'd fine a way financially to manage. It was very difficult at times, but we always thought that some other family may need more assistance than we did.

If you feel it in your hearts to donate, it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!

Walking Thru the Gates of Hell.

Many times, as I would sit at Mott's Hospital with Carly going through one of her many hospital stays. I often times would see families who were going through so much more than we were. Even though, many times, Carly was teetering on the edge of being sent to ICU.

As I sit here today and recall those families that I encountered back then. The families who were just told that their child had 3 weeks to live. Yep,,,witnessed that. That their child had relapsed and would have to begin chemo again. Yep,,, witnessed that too, more times than I can count. Or the families who had children being sent to ICU with very grim outlooks. Course, from a heart mom stand point, I saw kids in ICU one night, but the next morning they were gone. Which I quickly found out was NEVER a good sign. I've been chased out of the Cardiothoracic ICU more times than I can count, due to a child coding. All I could think was, "thank God it's not my kid". Even though she did have her share of close calls. Way too close. I must admit I would think, "glad they are the one's having to go thru this HELL, I couldn't do it".

I would often sit in our room, thinking just how bad we had it. Pretty much feeling sorry for myself. Even though, someone else was getting ten times worse than we were. I was just so relieved that it them and not us.

One night, Carly's oncologist came in to our room. Carly was inpatient with a fever. All you cancer moms know, a fever over 100.5 bought you a sure fire ticket as "inpatient". I was a wreck. We were waiting for blood cultures to come back to see if in fact Carly was positive for a blood infection. While heading to the bathroom, which at Mott's is down the hall and could be quite a hike, depending on what room you were in. Anyway, I overheard a mother, a very young mother, being told by the "team" of doctors, that her daughter had only 3 weeks to live. The daughter, I'll call "E", was well aware of what was going on. "E" was 6 or 7 and had a brain tumor. Chemo wasn't working on her any longer. I got to the bathroom and was just about ready to throw up, when someone knocked---in need of using the bathroom too. I quickly washed my hands and practically ran back to our room. I wanted to forget that I had just heard those words about "E". I must have looked like a ghost, because the Oncologist and nurse asked me if I was okay. Once the nurse left, I told Carly's Oncologist what I had heard. She apologized to me for having to hear that. She said, and she was right, "the door should have been closed". The words that our Oncologist said to me that night, I will never forget. She said, " just when you think you're walking thru the gates of Hell...there is always someone else who can top your pain and suffering".

Later that night, I made a candy bar and coke run down to the floor below. You might know, I got to the elevators and there sat "E's" mom. On her cell phone. She was crying and talking to her mom. I kept hoping those doors would open. But they took forever. I didn't want to hear about her HELL. I had my own HELL at the moment. But, I heard everything she was saying to her mother. "the doctor gave "E" 3 weeks tops mom. the tumor took out her brain stem". At that point, I almost fainted. Finally the doors opened. I was on the elevator bawling my eyes out. Realizing, that poor mother was about to walk straight thru the gates of HELL. Losing her child. Being all alone while being told. And, as I later found out, she was a single mom.

Those families, all with different stories pop into my head every so often in the past 8 years. I would look at Carly and just know that we were truly blessed to be given this little girl. Blessed that her life had been spared 5 different times. Thankful that I didn't have to know the HELL those other families knew.

After 8 years, I never dreamed I would be sitting here today. Having to face life without Carly. I thought that she made it through all of her health issues with flying colors. So did her doctors. And then, in just a blink of an eye, she is gone. No warning. Nothing. Gone.

We are finding out just how a person goes on while walking thru the gates of HELL. It's not easy. It sucks. It gets harder and harder every day. None of us are sleeping very well. Some of us aren't eating well. Brad just told me he hasn't slept in 2 days. He is full of anger. Thanks to our new found HELL. Paul is barely holding on. Me...sometimes I'm full of rage and other times I just feel numb. Ashleigh is very pissed off. We are all finding out that we don't have much happiness anymore and are very much doubtful we will ever find happiness again.

Now we know just what it feels like to be walking thru the gates of HELL!

A worthy cause

Ashleigh and her friends are running in the Children's Leukemia Foundation of Michigan's 5k (click here), in memory of sweet Carly. Team name: Carly's Angels. Reason being; Carly LOVED, LOVED, LOVED Ashleigh's friends! Even tho, Carly is now, likely their angel watching them from above, we all thought the team name was quite fitting. Those girls cheered her on and visited her throughout our experience with this evil, nasty cancer. Carly had more big sisters than any kid I know!

The girls are trying to raise at least $500. I realize most of you who read this blog, are not from Michigan. However, leukemia was a HUGE part of our lives with Carly. She was diagnosed with it in Sept '04 and from that day forward, it was our life. Countless hospital stays, tons of toxic chemo drugs, several surgeries, several bone marrow biopsies, several very near death experiences, many clinic visits and blood draws, X-rays, ultra sounds...the list goes on and on and on.

Although Carly was born with Down syndrome, and stood about an 80% greater chance to develop leukemia, none of us are exempt from this horrible blood cancer. Not me, not you, not your children. This is a very worthy cause and one that will always be near and dear to our hearts.

Ashleigh has participated in the Relay for Life before. She and her team raised a very nice chunk of change! That time, she walked in 'honor' of our sweet girl. Her team will now walk in 'memory'. Which makes us all so very sad.

If you find it in your hearts, to help with this worthy cause the girls would greatly appreciate it. Any amount at all helps. Again, click here, if you care to help out .

Ashleigh's letter to Carly

This letter was written by Ashleigh and given to our Pastor, just before Carly's funeral to be read aloud. None of us had read what Ashleigh had written before the service. I don't think that there was a dry eye in the entire funeral home.




Hopefully, you all can click on the letter to make it bigger and make it easier for you to read.

I will share more about the beautiful service another day. And beautiful it was.

Teeth. Sissy and missing poppa and grandma.

..Carly's complaining of a tooth ache. Remember this post?

Carly's teacher has sent me a note home on Wednesday and Thursday, telling me that Cary was complaining about her tooth hurting. Ugh! I have checked her teeth out each day. Even using a flash light. I wanted to make sure there was no abscess going on. Everything looks okay. To me anyway.

Yesterday I broke down and called the dentist. I didn't call the one we went to the end of Aug. That place was just too uncomfortable. Not to mention their receptionist was probably one of the most unpleasant persons I've ever come across. She was full of smart little comments, that stung just a bit. You can click here, for a refresher.

Anyway, I found a local kids dentist that sounds like she is wonderful. The receptionist was bubbly and sweet. Hopefully, this time at the dentist Carly will come out without tears streaming down her little face. I did some pretty intense searching this time around. I called other dentist offices in the area asking for recommendation for a pediatric dentist. I mentioned we had been to one in a nearby town. Each time I mentioned that dentist office, I was told, "Oh no, were not recommending them". Hmmm, I wonder why???

Come next Tuesday morning, Carly will be heading off to the dentist to see if any of those damaged teeth are in need of a root canal. I'm praying all checks out. I'd even be happy with a cavity at this point. Anything would be better than major dental issues.

Carly freaked out just hearing me talk to all the dentists offices I called yesterday. Poor kid. She is terrified of the dentist. Thank you Dr. J, for scaring the holy H out of my daughter. Needless to say, I'm dreading next Tuesday with a passion.

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On a brighter note. Ashleigh is coming home for a visit tomorrow. To say that Carly is happy would be an understatement. She is on could nine! We're all pretty anxious to see "sissy". We haven't seen her in over 7 weeks. Carly has been telling us all the things she and "sissy" are going to do. Here's the run down so far: puzzles, read all books (as Carly says), paint, color, play games, build with blocks, write letters and numbers...Yep, they're going to be busy sisters this weekend!

Another thing Carly is looking forward to next week. My parents will be coming home from their winter in Florida. They should be home by the 14th or 15th. Carly is missing them awful this year. In fact, she woke up twice this week, very early and I mean early, like 5 am early, asking for "poppa and grandma". She even shed tears. Poor little girl.

Thankful Thursday

Three, pretty good reasons to be thankful!