"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Everything came crashing down..

Woke up this morning feeling like crap..love days when you wake up and feel miserable. NOT! Most days I wake up sad..so throw in feeling like crap and boy oh boy does it make for a bang up kind of morning.

This past week has been difficult for me. It hit me, that saying goodbye to Ashleigh, our oldest (24yr old) was going to be much harder on me than I had imagined. I dreaded the whole 'goodbye' and feared I would feel just exactly as I did...everything came crashing down, around me. That whole feeling of loss hit me all over again.

Even though I kept telling myself that there is a difference between this loss and the loss of Carly. Everything came crashing down. I know most of you will likely think that there is such a huge difference between these two losses..and you are likely wondering, how can she even compare the two. I know, I KNOW but for a "mama" who suddenly loses her baby girl its kind of hard to separate the feelings of one loss from another.

We had a going away party for Ashleigh, complete with friends and family. It was a GREAT time. I'll do a post on her later this week about her leaving and her party. The night before the party, it hit me. LOSS. The feeling of total complete loss. Again. And even though I tell myself that this loss is a good kind of loss..well, actually I try to convince myself that a good kind of loss even exists...like I said above, it's still a loss. At least in my eyes.

In less than 1 - 1/2 yrs I've lost both my daughters. Yes I KNOW Ashleigh is doing what she needs to do (for those who don't know, Ash joined the Navy) to better her life..and live her life as she needs to and I'm/we are very proud of her for being such a determined young lady. But I still feel a loss. She is gone and even tho I'm proud of what she is doing,,,the fact remains, she's gone now.

Again, my house is eerily quiet. Ashleigh is a motor mouth..which may prove to be a bad thing in the military! Just yesterday I picked up my phone to text her and again everything came crashing down...I can't do that anymore-mainly because she belongs to the Navy now and she had to leave her cell phone at home. I can no longer just pick up my phone to call her or text her anytime I want to, like I used to do.

Last night I received a surprising and very quick phone call from Ashleigh. A quick 48 second call as a matter of fact! She called to tell me that she made it to her base safely and that she will write with an address in a week or so. She also said, "mom, I wont be talking to you for about 3 weeks." I've never gone a day without a conversation with Ashleigh. It's going to be a long 3 weeks for me.

So as I sit here this morning, I have come to realize...our life has to find another new normal. I can't even begin to tell you all how I HATE new normals. HATE them with a passion..and you guessed it, everything came crashing down, again.


LL said...

Life is change..most of the time we can handle it and other times we can't. That's the way it is whether we like it or not. That in itself is hard to deal with. We all have family and friends to help us through the rough spots. You can count me as a friend as always and know that I pray for you all the time!You are a special lady!

Patti said...

Oh, friend, I am SO sorry! My oldest daughter just moved out yesterday and it was and is so so hard...I cannot imagine losing Carly on top of that feeling. Please know that I am praying for you. Hugs from Oregon.

Heather said...

Sweet Joany and Paul,there are no words, just bunches of love coming your way and wishing we new how to help you through the ebb and flow of your lives. For now, just know you are loved and prayed for by so, so many.

Keeping you all close to our hearts, here in California.

Stephanie said...

if it helps any i'm crying along with you. I cannot imagine NOT being able to talk to my oldest. She is only fourteen but we text ... a lot when she is not home!
i love her so much and cannot even think of her not being with me. Praying for both you and Ashleigh as this must be just as tough on her.