The two days that I hate the most--Friday's and the 23rd of each month. Today happens to be both of those day. It also marks 17months since I last held my little girl. 17months.
Often times I kind of blank out..for lack of better wording...and find myself thinking, there is no way this could have happened to our family, no way is our sweet little girl gone. I can't begin to explain the wave of sadness that washes over me. It's that feeling of your stomach dropping suddenly. Arms go limp. Head gets fuzzy feeling. And, you can actually feel your heart skipping beats. It's terrible.
Every Friday my mind goes back to that horrible day in April 2010. Every. Single. Friday. I relive that day every week. It's like rewinding a movie..it just plays over and over in my head. I can recall every single minute of that day.
I kick myself every day, over and over again for not climbing in the back of that ambulance. Not that I could have done one thing to help...although I would have been on my cell phone calling Mott's/cardiology..which I guess, could possibly made a difference..being as the EMT was a complete freaking idiot! I had a friend tell me, "Jonesey (she always calls me Jonesey) you weren't suppose to be in that ambulance." Maybe she's right, but I still wish I'd have climbed in with Paul. I did actually climb in, to kiss Carly and say, "mama loves you. I'll see you in a little bit."
I have been asked by a few people how I am doing..really doing. Well, my answer would have to be ~ I am lost. I have no idea who I am anymore. Even tho., I'm not "alone" I sure feel alone.
If you've ever been lost in a corn field you can kind of relate to how I feel on a daily basis. It's actually pretty similar. Except, when one is lost in a cornfield, they eventually find an exit point and make their way out..I keep going around in circles, making all the wrong turns and it seems to me, that there is no exit point in sight. So, in a nut shell, I'm not doing okay. Although I have learned that most people do not want to see that I m not okay. So, I learned how to wear a mask to hide it all. I think I do a darn good job. However, if you look into my eyes..really look, you'll see nothing but sadness. It's there, even I can see it.
As far as I can tell, being 17months into this miserably sad life, it does not get any easy trying to navigate through each day. I still HATE waking up each day. I HATE nighttime. I HATE seeing the bus stop at the neighbors house each afternoon. I HATE that it's been 2 full summers since I played with Carly outside. I HATE going into a store, seeing all the cute little girl clothes and the toys and books and candy at the checkout. Anxiety attacks still overpower me in the store. In fact, I've read many books that confirm, a grocery store is one of the most common places for a bereaved parent to have an all out anxiety attack. Yep, I carry my med's with me and usually have to pop one while in the store.
Anxiety and panic attacks are my best friends now..some friends eh? But, they are both there, without fail, all. the. time. From going to the store to doing laundry. They are a constant now in my life. I don't particularly like either of them, but they are in my life now and will likely be here forever.
If you notice, I had to add something to my right sidebar on my blog. I know it makes me sound like an all out b!tch, but so be it. I am floored to this day, that people who KNOW what my blog is about these days, would actually take time to leave stupid comments. I've had quite a few that didn't get posted..my blog..my choice! In all honestly, I know that life is rough from time to time, for every. single. one. of. you. From, a sick kid who has had you up all night, to a broken arm, to a bad IEP meeting, a flat tire, a dead car battery...etc...I GET that. I'm not a stupid person. However, at the end of the day, most all of you can and will wrap your arms around your child/children. I can not do this anymore. PLEASE, do NOT come to my blog and tell me how "life is rough for everyone, not just you (meaning me/us)." I'd give anything to have a "rough" life like yours, but I'm willing to bet not one of you would want my life right now. And if any one of you thinks life is soooo bad , try on and do some walking in my shoes. You'd quickly want to kick those shoes to the curb and go back to your whining about IEP's and snotty nosed kids, dead car batteries, etc, etc. I envy each one of you. I'd give my right arm to have a snotty nosed little girl to sit up all night with. And as much as I HATED fighting with the school over Carly's rights as a general education student...I'd do it a million times a day if I could have her back with me.
Most of you will see your children today...I'm going to visit my little girl at the cemetery, as I do each Friday (and several days in between) and the 23rd of each month. Yeah, I'm willing to bet, your life ain't as rough for you as you think it is. Unless of course, you are a bereaved parent.
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