"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Friday, January 13, 2012


..I have my computer and can now start back with my blogging. I didn't realize how therapeutic blogging is for a grieving mother.

So much has been going on the past few months and I will do my best to post some status updates very soon, but it's really late and so I'll keep this post very short-/ish.

We are all, still pretty much in a fog. A fog that I fear will never clear for us. We still don't have many answers as to what happened on that horrible night of October 8, 2011. The State Police are not satisfied with much of the evidence and, as of today, (1/12/12) this nearly closed case (regarding Brad's death) is now very much, re-opened and being re-investigated. And that's about all I can share with you, for the time being.

Paul and I continue to live with my parents. Our insurance fiasco is almost complete. I can not stress enough the importance of reviewing your homeowners policy. Oh my GOSH!! Unbelievable, the wool they pull over your eyes.

As for our home and whats happening on that end..-.. We lived in a modular home and we are having that replaced with a new one. It's being built now and should be done and shipped to Michigan on Feb 1. We are looking at moving in by mid February. During the first few weeks of our nightmare, our insurance Co had first thought that rebuilding our existing home would be best..but, thankfully, (Paul and I couldn't imagine having to go back to the very home our son died in) our adjuster realized the cost to rebuild, would likely cost more than just replacing it with a new home. So, we went to Indiana, looked at homes and picked one out. It was no easy task. Paul and I shed many tears as we looked for a new home. It was not fun. It was pure HELL.

As far as how we are doing. Well, not so great. We have many moments that are almost unbearable. Just the other day Paul and I went to the doctor. Paul needed some med's to help him sleep. While we were there, I mentioned to the doc that I had been having strange chest pains, but that I figured it was anxiety/stress. Doc checked me out and said all sounded good and that it was likely the anxiety. But I will be seeing my cardiologist and go through the whole stress test, ekg, echo..which I'm long overdue for. We both have many sleepless nights. I have more than Paul, but because Paul works every day, he needed some medication to help him out. I take enough med's and really don't want to add to my long list.

Grieving your child is hard, exhausting work. Grieving two children drains every fiber of your being. We get out of bed each and every morning feeling as tho we never slept a wink all night. If by chance I do sleep half way decent at night, (5hrs is about my max., sleep time) I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a freaking truck. Its so hard feeling sick and tired every day. And I mean every day. I'm sick to my stomach every day. I'm having headaches on a daily basis. And honestly, just putting one foot in front of the other seems to be pretty dam hard these days.

Ashleigh is about to finish up her "A" School (aka tech school) and then she will be back home for a couple of weeks to visit before she heads off to Norfolk Va. Paul and I are pretty happy that she will be "close" to us...about 10hrs away...but, that's only a days driving and that's a good thing for us. She seems to be doing okay. Although she did mention that she thinks she's going to need some counseling once she gets to Virginia. I'm thankful she realizes that and that she is willing to seek out some help for herself. I worry about her and I often wonder how she functions each day. I'm unsure how she continues to get up and do her job/training, knowing that she now has no siblings. I can't even begin imagine how that must feel for her. It hurts my heart even more when I think about Ash, having to go through her life without her brother and her sister.

At some point, I will need to do another makeover on this blog. I have no idea how or what to do. Input would be greatly appreciated. I just know that somehow, I need to figure out how to put both Brad and Carly's pictures on the heading..but that will just have to wait until the kinks in my brain straighten out a tad bit.

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.
~Grieving Mothers~


Heather said...

I am proud of you and wish I didn't have to be.I wish I could carry some of this or help in some way but i can't. I know that and you know that. But I am here and will continue to read and you, you continue to write. I think it is one of the best therapies for you. Vent. Rant. Scream. Curse. Cry. do it here and we will listen and pray and love you, many of us, from afar.

Give that husband of yours a big hug from me. Hoping to do it myself again in person, one day soon.

CJ said...

You have a lot of people praying for you, thinking about you and holding you close. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Becca said...

I'm glad for the update, but, as always, wishing there was something I could do or say that could make a difference. As always, I'm thinking of you...


Lacey said...

What I was going to say was exactly what Heather said. so "ditto" on that!
Love you Joany!

To Love Endlessly said...

Beautiful post, words escape me...please know even though we live very far from you we continue to pray for your family. May HE heal your broken hearts.

Eurogirl said...

I'm so glad you are ok! I've been checking every couple of days. I can't even imagine your grief. My prayers are with you & Paul.

Cindy said...

I've checked your blog almost every day. It's good to have you back. To read your thoughts, and hear your heart. I can't imagine what you must be going through. But I'm willing to listen.

BeticMommy said...

I have been coming to your blog every week hoping for some news from you, worried about you and your husband and daughter. Thank you for letting us all know how things are going.

Merideth said...

Glad to see you back, I've been worried. I think about you CONSTANTLY even if you don't know it. Sending ALL of my love and wishing desperately I could do more. ♥

Lisa said...

Joany, Paul and Ashleigh,

You are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart!!!!

Love and HUGS,