"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Sunday, November 13, 2011

My grief is like a river
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.
Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.
I crash on rocks of anger
My faith seems faint indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know that what I need
Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift.
Grief’s river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in Hope’s channels
I’ll reach the shore at last.
~ Author Unknown ~
Today, Paul and I had to go shopping. Shopping for clothes to wear to Ashleigh's up coming graduation. Neither of us were really in the "mood" to shop. We weren't in the mood to do anything. That's normally the case for us these days. It sucks. SUCKS!
As we were walking into a store this afternoon, I asked Paul, "Do you constantly feel pressure weighing heavily, down on your chest?" His reply, "Yep." And that's pretty much our feeling every day. We wake up feeling that way and we go to bed each night feeling that way. It sucks. SUCKS!
We had come so far, but still had so much farther to go with our grieving over Carly. But, we were getting to the place where, we could function. We could find some happiness again. Of course we were still lost without her. My gosh, she was our little miracle girl. Our little sidekick. Wherever we would go, she was a constant thought within our minds. We found ourselves often times wondering how we, as a family, would ever really come to terms with the fact that she was gone. Gone from us forever. It sucks. SUCKS!
Now, here we go again. 18 months later, grieving yet another child. How are we suppose to do this? I never thought I would be grieving 2 of my children. My gosh, I never imagined I'd ever be grieving 1 child. What the heck is this crappy hand of life that we've been dealt? It sucks. SUCKS!
We can not believe that our 21 (22 now) year old son is GONE. We can't believe what took place within our home on that horrific night. We are shocked. Devastated. Heartbroken. Completely shattered. How will our family survive this? How are we suppose to? Why do we even need to figure out the how's and whys of trying to survive this? It sucks. SUCKS!
So many times throughout the day, I find myself wanting to ask Brad a question. For example; I'd like to ask him just what in the H E double L is up with grandma's computer. (sorry for the post..I can NOT get her computer to post correctly!) Brad would know what the problem is..and he'd be able to fix it for me. I also find myself wanting to order food for him. Last night we went to our favorite Chinese restaurant. We always ordered him vegetable egg rolls and Mongolian Beef. But last night, we didn't order for him. The owner of the restaurant knows us quite well..guess we frequent that place!! She was shocked to learn of Carly's death when we told her several months ago. We didn't have the guts to admit that our son had passed away. She didn't ask about him like she did Carly..I was thankful for that. I know her chin would have hit the floor if she had asked us. Most people do find their chins on the floor when they learn we've lost 2 children in less than 18 flipping months. It sucks. SUCKS!
When I started this blog, the main purpose was to network with hundreds/thousands of Down Syndrome mom's and dad's. This blog was basically my bragging and venting blog. It was created for Carly. With the exception of some bragging on our other 2 kids as well. Now look what it's turned into. A sad, depressing, grieving mothers blog who continues to have downer posts. I'm so sorry. This is NOT the way I intended my blog to turn out. It sucks. SUCKS!
I will do a post about Brad and the life of BRAD, in the next couple of weeks. I know many of you don't "know" much about him. He was kind of a private person and would not have approved of me blogging much about him. He would have a FIT and fell in it, had he known I ever posted one single thing about him..and included pictures too. Whenever I did a post with pic's of Brad, I hid what I was doing from him...yep, he was THAT private. He didn't bother anyone and he expected the same from everyone else. I promise, I will blog all about Brad and the great person, friend, son, brother, grandson, nephew and cousin that he was, very soon.
Again, sorry about this screwy blog posting I have going on. I will be soo happy to get my own computer again....someday.


Keri Mae said...

I'm not so sure you really need to be apologizing for anything right now.

Homeschoolin Mama said...

Sometimes when horrible things happen, people say give it time, that with time things will be better, as if they think it will just go away.
Instead, I think it is like a wound. It might stop bleeding, it might even scab up. But once the scab falls off, a scar is left, forever.
Years ago, I wrote this, and after reading your post today, I wanted to share it with you. I try to go through life pretending that my life has been perfect, that everything is always happy. Many people have no idea of what scars I carry. Luckily, over the years, things have gotten better. The darkness has gone away. There is hope.
But I felt like maybe by sharing my poem with you, you might feel a little less alone.
*hugs* I am thinking of you and praying for you

My Poem ~ Fallin'

My world is over
before its begun
Only saw rain
Never the sun

Thought things were getting better
Thought one day I would be free
Now everywhere is darkness
Far as the eye can see

Cant stop the tears from falling
Welcoming the rain
To help hide the sorrow
To help mask the pain

Cant get rid of this ache
This emptyness inside
No safe arms around me
No hope, to end this ride

My world has turned upside down
And I am falling fast
Cant find a sign of hope
This time I cant last

This goes beyond what I can take
Its harder than the rest
I cant make it
I have failed this test

I am not strong enough to bare it
not strong enough to see
not strong enough to handle
Whats happening around me

my family said...

I dont think apologizing is expected here
{{hugs}} friend

Catherine said...

Please do not apologize. I never know what to say or write to those who have such epic tragedies, but I want you and others to know that I am thinking about you and what happened.

Please find some help from those who are skilled at helping those who are going through such things. It is devastating and some people do not make it through such ordeals. You and Paul are in high risk for survival just as you would be if diagnosed with a tough condition.

Hugs and support.

I am said...

I wish I knew you in person so I could hug you! I read because while I don't know you beyond your blog I always want to know how you are doing. Still praying for you both and Ashleigh! Hoping today a little light will shine in and give you both hope and peace!

Rachel said...

Just a random reader who has been thinking about you! I'd love to hear more about Brad. I have been keeping you, Paul, and your Ashleigh in my prayers.

Janelle Freeburg said...

We lost our 28 year old son 6 years ago...the pain is something you learn to live with. Even when we seem to have a good time, the pain is always lurking underneath it all...never goes away. My heart goes out to you. All you can do is get through one day at a time. I'm so sorry..so very very sorry.

Jen said...

I stumbled upon your blog at about 1:30 this morning and couldn't put it down until 2-3 hours later. The only reason I finally closed it was b/c my eyes were finally falling.

I could not believe the abrupt twists and turns your lives have taken. I felt so much sadness as I read your words.

As unimaginable as all of what you have been through is, I couldn't believe all of the added stresses you have on top. Battling the insurance company and especially the trash talking people in your town. Reading what you wrote made me want to hop a plane to Michigan and find each and every one of those heartless, mindless people and punch them in the face. I was SO angry. The last thing you need is any added stress. How much can you take? How have you been able to take what you have? How much can you possibly bend before you break?

Our daughter was struck by a car and is severely brain injured. She is unable to do anything, walk, talk, hold her head up for long, anything. For us, this is very difficult to deal with, the added little things on top - family drama, battling all her entities, insurance, people's mindless mouths, etc. Those are the things I have no time for and yet annoy me deeply. I always refer to them as "the icing on the cake", or "the cheery on top of this sh*tty sundae." When I read the added things you have on your plate, I went into full protection mode of your family.

I have a feeling there is not much that can dull your pain. I was scared to write, scared to say the wrong thing...and I hope I have not. Above all, I just wanted for you to know ~ we are out here and we care so deeply for you, Paul and Ashleigh.

My endless thoughts are with you!



Leigh Ann said...

Praying for your family.

Runningmama said...

Sending you a Hug...and don't ever apologize for writing what's on your heart, that's what blogs are for. And, yes, all of this does SUCK, and I wish it weren't reality for you!

Proud Grandma said...

thinking of you and my heart is breaking for you three