Finding Our Way

My grief is like a river

I have to let it flow,

But I myself determine

Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me

In waves of guilt and pain,

But there are always quiet pools

Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger

My faith seems faint indeed,

But there are other swimmers

Who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me

When the waters are too swift,

And someone kind to listen

When I just seem to drift.

Grief’s river is a process

Of relinquishing the past.

By swimming in Hope’s channels

I’ll reach the shore at last.

~ Author Unknown ~

Today, Paul and I had to go shopping. Shopping for clothes to wear to Ashleigh's up coming graduation. Neither of us were really in the "mood" to shop. We weren't in the mood to do anything. That's normally the case for us these days. It sucks. SUCKS!

As we were walking into a store this afternoon, I asked Paul, "Do you constantly feel pressure weighing heavily, down on your chest?" His reply, "Yep." And that's pretty much our feeling every day. We wake up feeling that way and we go to bed each night feeling that way. It sucks. SUCKS!

We had come so far, but still had so much farther to go with our grieving over Carly. But, we were getting to the place where, we could function. We could find some happiness again. Of course we were still lost without her. My gosh, she was our little miracle girl. Our little sidekick. Wherever we would go, she was a constant thought within our minds. We found ourselves often times wondering how we, as a family, would ever really come to terms with the fact that she was gone. Gone from us forever. It sucks. SUCKS!

Now, here we go again. 18 months later, grieving yet another child. How are we suppose to do this? I never thought I would be grieving 2 of my children. My gosh, I never imagined I'd ever be grieving 1 child. What the heck is this crappy hand of life that we've been dealt? It sucks. SUCKS!

We can not believe that our 21 (22 now) year old son is GONE. We can't believe what took place within our home on that horrific night. We are shocked. Devastated. Heartbroken. Completely shattered. How will our family survive this? How are we suppose to? Why do we even need to figure out the how's and whys of trying to survive this? It sucks. SUCKS!

So many times throughout the day, I find myself wanting to ask Brad a question. For example; I'd like to ask him just what in the H E double L is up with grandma's computer. (sorry for the post..I can NOT get her computer to post correctly!) Brad would know what the problem is..and he'd be able to fix it for me. I also find myself wanting to order food for him. Last night we went to our favorite Chinese restaurant. We always ordered him vegetable egg rolls and Mongolian Beef. But last night, we didn't order for him. The owner of the restaurant knows us quite well..guess we frequent that place!! She was shocked to learn of Carly's death when we told her several months ago. We didn't have the guts to admit that our son had passed away. She didn't ask about him like she did Carly..I was thankful for that. I know her chin would have hit the floor if she had asked us. Most people do find their chins on the floor when they learn we've lost 2 children in less than 18 flipping months. It sucks. SUCKS!

When I started this blog, the main purpose was to network with hundreds/thousands of Down Syndrome mom's and dad's. This blog was basically my bragging and venting blog. It was created for Carly. With the exception of some bragging on our other 2 kids as well. Now look what it's turned into. A sad, depressing, grieving mothers blog who continues to have downer posts. I'm so sorry. This is NOT the way I intended my blog to turn out. It sucks. SUCKS!

I will do a post about Brad and the life of BRAD, in the next couple of weeks. I know many of you don't "know" much about him. He was kind of a private person and would not have approved of me blogging much about him. He would have a FIT and fell in it, had he known I ever posted one single thing about him..and included pictures too. Whenever I did a post with pic's of Brad, I hid what I was doing from him...yep, he was THAT private. He didn't bother anyone and he expected the same from everyone else. I promise, I will blog all about Brad and the great person, friend, son, brother, grandson, nephew and cousin that he was, very soon.

Again, sorry about this screwy blog posting I have going on. I will be soo happy to get my own computer again....someday.