"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

"Grief has dropped a bomb in your life. You are shattered, blasted, blown apart, all but nearly destroyed. Amongst the shards, amongst the debris, you live. You don't know how. You cant see. You can do nothing but feel the pain that is within you and around you. You don't understand, you will never understand. You lay down amongst the rubble, for you can do nothing else,,,and you cry. Cry like you've never cried before, in your life and you ask, why me? Why us? Why this? And somehow, without knowing how, you uncurl yourself, you brush more tears from your face, and you walk. You begin by picking up a shard, a broken piece of your life here, a broken piece there. They don't fit together anymore, they cant. There is no going back to what once was. As each tiny fragment begins to shape itself anew, so do you. Your shape is a stranger to yourself now, and to everyone else too. Your pieces, have become you; they speak of your strength, of your courage, they speak of you, the vulnerable you, the broken you."
~author unknown~

One of the toughest things for Paul and me is trying to grieve for both of our children. Seriously, how is a parent suppose to go about that? We cry for one and then feel like shit because we are in fact, crying for 1 child. Hard to balance out your grief without feeling anything less than guilt. Guilt that continuously punches you in the gut.
The other night, NBC news had a story on about a little boy with Down syndrome. His name is Ryan. He is actually a child model for Target. I've seen him in the Target ads a few times, so I was happy to finally hear something about him and his story. What a neat little guy. He made us smile and laugh...but he also triggered the water works. Again..guilt swept over us because we were crying for Carly and all that we've missed out on with her. Later that night, Paul and I were feeling so bad for missing her so much...when we have Brad to miss too. Again...how do parents grieve 2 children at the same time? It's almost impossible and leaves you feeling nothing but guilt!
Each day we wake up, drag ourselves out of bed and wonder, how do we get through today? The day drags on and on, until its time for bed again. For me, sleep is something that does not come easily. Paul on the other hand, can and does sleep. We are both on med's to help us, but my mind just never seems to shut off.
On Friday, Paul and I are heading to Indiana to see our home. We were hoping to see the work in progress, but yesterday I received a call from the factory telling me that the home would be complete by Friday. We can still go down and see it though. We are hoping they built it the way we ordered it...with no glitches. I sure don't want us having to deal with that type of headache..I think we've got quite enough going on.
Once our home is done and we've moved in. Paul and I will be getting back to counseling. I think we need more than just a "counselor" though. Not knocking counselors by any means, but I just feel we need some more in depth, one on one counseling. That should be a fun battle with our health insurance company.
That's it for today. I am again, using my mom and dads computer..mine is a lost cause. So please excuse the way this post is going to look. I can not figure out how or why I can't blog from their computer. Who knows, I may not be able to post this once I finish!! I can type, but I can't edit one darn thing. About all I can do, is spell check. My computer was supposedly restored from the fire, but it just will not stay working. Who knows, maybe it's an easy fix...but sadly, my go to guy, Brad, isn't here to get it back up and running for me.
Grrreeeaattt...I just hit my preview button and I see that even though my post looks like it has been typed up correctly in compose mode...it seems as if I have no paragraphs and that my layout looks odd in preview mode. Sheesh...if it's not one thing, its another!


Lacey said...

Its the little things. The little things you don't think about until that person is gone.
Love you Joany!

Shelley said...

joan - I don't know what to say, still. I have been reading your blog since before...before Carly died. I can't believe the way things have gone for you.. and just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers, regularly.

CrazyNutsMom said...

You are in my prayers.

I have been a silent follower for a while.