The Run Down...

I've been working on a blog post for a week now...thought I'd post a "run down" of the goings on around here lately.

Last week was another crazy, hectic week around here. They, whoever they are, say "busy" is a good thing. I don't know whether to agree with that..or disagree.

What remained of our burned home was removed last week. It was pretty difficult to see. We cried. It was very sad. I bought that home and had it placed on a piece of property that I purchased, 18yrs ago for the kids and I. Paul and I were divorced at that time. Brad was 4yrs old when we moved in. So it was, basically, his only home. It was the home where many wonderful memories were made. The home we brought Carly home to, after she was born. It. Sucked. To. See. It. Go.

Tuesday my parents, (we're living with them) headed to Florida for a couple months. Our house (new one) was in the process of being set, (its a modular/manufactured/whatever you call it, kind of home.) but issue after issue kept coming up. And the fact that the workers we have, only want to work 1/2 days! Grrr.... Seriously, who starts construction work at noon?? Apparently, the crew we found!

Wednesday, the 8th, Paul and I had to head to the Michigan State Police Head Quarters, in Lansing. We were finally being interviewed. Holy crap, 4 months to the day of our fire and the death of our son and we FINALLY, had a REAL and proper interview. I guess all the lab work had to be complete, which is quite a slow and lengthy process. Paul and I were interviewed briefly, on that horrible night, while we were on the scene, but,,Wednesday was more in depth. We are so thankful that we did get interviewed, even tho Paul cried through much of his interview and I gagged and nearly threw up on several occasions. It. Was. Difficult. We left after 2hrs, feeling completely exhausted. But, hopeful that the detectives will be able to figure out just what took place in our home. And for the record...we did find out that Brad had a clean toxicology test, which proves to those who like to blab and gossip,,,that Brad was NOT cooking meth!

Thursday, I met up again, with the detective who is leading the investigation. We talked quite a bit about the case. The strange circumstances that took place on the horrific night and about Paul. Paul is in bad shape. BAD shape. All the things we've gone through in the past 21+ months and the fact that he has an, A double S, for a boss...is just pushing him over the edge. The detective is extremely concerned about his stability. As we all are. We are in the process of searching for help for both Paul and I. But, his wonderful boss has not been paying into our insurance and we will lose it the end of February, or we can shell out about $800, which we can't spare, to keep it for 30 days...So, we are stuck AGAIN, between a rock and a hard spot..We need more than just a grief counselor. We went the counselor route when we lost Carly. It was ok, and I even learned a few things in my 6months of counseling. However, it soon becomes more like you're just repeating yourself week after week. Like a record that just keeps skipping over and over and over. I for one, got tired of going in and just saying the same thing. But for now, help will just have to wait..we can't do $300 a week sessions (a piece) and we can't pay for our health insurance...so we'll just see how it all plays out. Well, I did it...I got myself all pissed off thinking about Paul's stupid @$$ boss who cares nothing for his employees! &*%$@!

As for our new home, it has finally been set. There is still so much work to finish, but it is set. Next up, finishing the dry wall work, painting, the stretching of the carpet But, none of that can be done until the electric and gas are both hooked up. We still have a ways to go, but we're getting there.

In all honestly, I am terrified to go back "home". I'm not excited. I'm not looking forward to it. I dread it. I get sick. Physically sick, when we shop for furniture. I get knots in my stomach even thinking about what colors to paint the walls. And even though the fact remains, that this is a different home, I KNOW it will be extremely hard for Paul and I. We will be at home. We will be at an empty home. An empty home with no kids. Empty bedrooms. Quiet. Empty. Empty. Quiet. I've never experienced that before. Not in 25yrs...and believe me, it scares me sh!t less!

Today, Ashleigh left, after being home for 11 days. It's been so nice to have her here, but boy, the time sure does go fast. And we already miss her. Paul and I are both having much anxiety over her being gone again. Sure, we know where she will be, which is nice. We know that we can drive to see her in only about 11 or so hours...except, we have no idea when we will see her again and for us, that's not very comforting. But, she is happy with her decision to join the military. And for that, we are thankful. We are proud of her, for going after the things she wants out of life. We are proud of her determination and of the strength that she has within herself. She's been through so much. Losing both of her siblings in less than 18months and learning about their deaths via a telephone call is wrong in so many ways. As bad as Paul and I feel and as much as we hurt over losing 2 of our 3 children, our hearts hurt even more for our only surviving child. I can't even begin to explain the hurt that we feel for Ashleigh. We gave her 2 siblings...and now they are gone. That does more than just break my heart...it shatters it.

Grief Counseling

Yesterday, Paul and I were suppose to start seeing a grief counselor. Well, it didn't go as planned. I was a little ticked off. But, what else is new these days?!

After several weeks of trying to contact a group who supports bereaved parents, I threw in the towel. They wouldn't return my calls or emails. What a kind of support group is that? Not one I want to be a part of.

Finally, I put a call in to grief counselor that our family doctor recommended. Gave the NP (nurse practitioner) all of our insurance information and a brief summary of why we were in need of grief counseling. The NP then told me that she would contact our insurance company and get everything pre-approved. The very next day my phone rang and low and behold it was the NP. Except what she told me..floored me and her as well. She said, "I'm sorry Mrs. George, your insurance company will not allow you and your husband to be seen here. They say we're out of their network". Great. Back to square one!

Nearly two weeks ago, I called our insurance company and asked them just what we were suppose to do? We needed a grief counselor. I was told that we could only see who they told us we could see...so I then asked, what if we don't like this counselor? What if it isn't working out the way we think it should be? Or what if I don't care for the counselor and Paul does? Or, what if we would rather be seen one on one and not together? Weeelllll, the answer was, "call back and we'll have to re-pre-approve you both. UGH!

Last weekend I finally received a call from a grief counselor who is "in network". Except, trying to find a time for Paul and I to go together seems to be nearly impossible. (Paul has crazy work hours!) But, we were all set up to go last night for our first session, which was scheduled at 8pm last night. At 5pm I start calling Paul. The calls went to voice mail. I called again and again and again...all calls went to voice mail. At 6:17pm, he finally answered. He FORGOT! There was no way he could make it from down town Detroit in time. Sooooooo, now to reschedule.

The grief counselor suggests meeting with us both first and then doing one on one sessions. She told me that we could do which ever way we wanted, be it together, or separate. She also mentioned that people grief so much differently and men and women have different ways of grieving too, she finds it actually does each parent better to meet with her one on one. So, now were back to trying to find a spot on her schedule. It doesn't help that she is going on vacation all next week. I guess we've hung on this long, we can wait another week or so.

After Paul finally got home last night. He said out loud, what I knew he had been thinking for the past 4 months. God it kills me to type 4months. But, tomorrow will be exactly 4months to the day of losing Carly. It just so happens to be Paul's 45th birthday as well. I'm betting that tomorrow is going to really suck. More so than every Friday since April 23. Okay, sorry got off track. Back to what Paul said. I knew eventually this would come out and last night it did. His words to me were, "Joany, I did CPR and brought her back". "I saved her". "What happened after that"? I knew this was eating away at him. But it's the first time he's ever mentioned it. He has so much to work through. As we all do, but with him, I fear that he feels he failed her. I tried to talk to him in a way that would ease those thoughts. I told him that he did save her that day. She would have passed away in our living room had he not been home. She was not breathing and was blue/purple all over her entire body. He did save her. We know now that she had a very narrow window of opportunity there to save her after what we all assume was cardiac arrest (we still have to meet with the cardiologist). For some reason that we will never understand..things went terribly wrong in that ambulance.

I'm hoping that grief counseling will help us both. Especially since, it will soon be Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year followed by Carly's birthday. We need to get ourselves ready for some very rough times ahead. We need to have some tools in place to help get us through. Right now, neither of us know just how to go about that. We are having a hard enough time getting through each day.

Fathers Day

Father's Day came and went, just as Mother's Day did. We tried hard to find some kind of joy, but it was very much nonexistent.

Again, just as Mother's Day, we visited our sweet angel at the dreaded cemetery. We trimmed her grass, which is unreal how her grave is completely covered with fresh new grass. We noticed this rapid growth of grass as being somewhat odd. Looking around the cemetery, we noticed graves from a year ago, with nothing but very sparse grass, most of it being crab grass. It leaves us in awe each time we visit Carly. Her grass looks as if it's been there forever. Nice and green and always needing to be trimmed with the weed whacker.

Soon after Carly passed away, I received this very treasured gift. Paul really wanted one too. At first I wasn't sure he'd really wear one, but Ashleigh insisted we get it. And so, he got one for Father's Day. He was beyond thrilled. Although, sad too. Kind of a bitter sweet gift. It hasn't left his neck since he put it on.

Later that evening , we went to my parents house. Where my dad received a gift from me and Paul. And then he was handed a gift bag from the kids. He pulled the card out to read it. It was a card with a monkey on it...(which is what Paul and Ashleigh always called Carly). And then he started to pull the tissue out of the bag. The gift inside; a framed picture of my dad and Carly that was taken about 1 1/2 yrs ago on my dads birthday. The frame that Ashleigh put the picture in said, "I Love Papa". Carly never called my dad grandpa, even tho all the other grand kids do! Not Carly, he was "Papa"! I m quite certain that we broke my dads heart all over again. He cried and cried and cried. And thanked Ashleigh over and over. Needless to say, we all were in tears. This is the picture. Sorry for the small size. My mom emailed it to me and for some reason, it came to me teeny tiny. It's actually a regular sized 4x6 pic!


I talked to my mom the other night,,,, I talk to her every day. But, the other night she told me that every time my dad looks at that picture, he breaks down in tears. He loves the picture and misses Carly so very much.

Daddy Daughter Dance 2010

Saturday night was big night for Carly and her daddy.

It was the Daddy Daughter Dance at the school.
Striking a pose, before heading off to the dance!

This little girl LOVES her daddy!

Just another pose for the heck of it!

They came home about 15 minutes early.
Paul said Carly kept asking for "momma"!
I would have loved to have gone.
Or been a fly on the wall.
Something!

I guess she had fun. That's what she told me.

Paul says she's quite popular. Several little girls were running up
to her all night. They were trying awful hard to get her out on the
dance floor with them. Carly wasn't having it though.
Eventually,
Paul did finally get her to dance a couple of times.

She seems to be overwhelmed, right at first, with big gatherings.
She does eventually 'warm up' and then she enjoys herself.

None-the-less, she missed her "momma"... Even though she LOVES
her daddy so much.

Flowers

Aren't these pretty? I love fall colors. The leaves. The flowers. Likely it's my most favorite time of the year. Especially this year. We've had warmer than normal temp's around these parts for the entire fall season. Except the weather man says it's all about to change. ;o(

Paul did some errands on Saturday morning. When he returned home, he had brought with him, these beautiful flowers. Paul and I don't really do the flower thing. Neither of us have ever felt that spending money on flowers for each Hallmark Holiday, made much sense. However, I must admit, that once in a blue moon, it's a nice surprise.



Aren't these the brightest most vibrant colors?


When I asked Paul what the reason was for the flowers. He said, "you've had a rough couple of weeks with the school and I thought flowers would perk you up". He was right. A big bouquet of fall colored flowers was just what the doctor ordered!

Weekend Get Away.

We decided to take off for the Upper Peninsula (UP) on Friday. Paul needed to get away for the events that took place at work last week. My parents were up to the UP for salmon fishing at Sault Ste Marie/ the Soo Locks. Paul and I packed up our clothes, along with Carly and headed north.

We really didn't do much. Paul and my dad did fish some. Paul slept some. Carly and my mom played and played and played some more. We watched big ships come down the St Mary River. Watched as supply boats chugged out to greet them and pass on many barrels of supplies. We sat gazing at the International Bridge that connects Michigan's UP to Canada. (the bridge with an arch is the International Bridge)I even snapped a couple of pictures of the Canadian side of the St. Mary River. Then we hit the shops in town. You just can not go to the UP without buying their fudge, caramel corn and of course salt water taffy...YUMMY!

I really dislike going across bridges with water under them. I have a very hard time with that. It really freaks me out! So, I sat and snapped pictures as we went across the Mackinaw Bridge. I only snap pictures with a head on view. I refuse to look out into the water. Scares the daylights out of me. Although I really did try hard not draw much attention to my fear of bridges. Carly doesn't need to fear bridges like her mama does!

click to enlarge collage

We headed for home here in Mid Michigan and finally arrived about 9:00pm Sunday night. I was a crazy quick trip, but a much needed one for Paul. He needed to get away and get his mind off of everything that had taken place at work last week.

There is still no word as to the actual cause of death yet for Cedric. Friday, Paul's company held a grief counseling session and a mandatory CPR training class. Paul is already certified in CPR. He did however attend this training along with his crew of workers. Today, Paul is on that very job site, going over equipment, tools, safety issues and so on. Tomorrow he will attend Cedric's funeral with the rest of his crew. Wednesday, his company resumes work after being closed down for a week.

And so, we are home from our weekend get away. Back into the groove of things. Back to school for Carly. Who developed a runny nose after she got home from school on Friday. No fever. However, Carly rarely runs a temp when she is sick. Hopefully, this will prove to be allergy related and stay just that way. More often than not, her allergy junk turns to sinus junk and then she is down for the count.

I have tons of laundry to do. Isn't it amazing how much dirty laundry accumulates in one little measly weekend get away? I also need to get my menu plan up and running. Last week sent us into a tizzy. I didn't follow my menu as planned out. Too many things were going on. So, I winged it. Now, it's time to get back to business. I also need to catch up on all the blogs I follow. Missing a couple of days really puts you behind. Ahhh, weekend get aways!

Sad day.

Around 5:15 today, I called Paul to see if he was on his way home from work. His crew was working 10hour days this week. To make up for yesterday. They don't get holiday pay. Unless they work on that day. No one likes a 32 hour check. So, they all were in agreement to work 4 10's this week.

When he answered I knew something was wrong. I could hear it in his voice. I asked him what was going on. His response, "we had a guy get killed on the job today". I instantly got chills up and down my spine. I know several of the guys. I was selfishly thankful that it wasn't Paul.

I hung up the phone not knowing who it was or what had happened. I was just sick. I knew Paul was not in very good shape. I knew there was nothing that I could do but wait for Paul to call me back.

Around 5:40 Paul called to tell me that OSHA had just released the crew. He filled me in a bit. It looks like an electrocution. Paul and another guy on the crew tried CPR for 15 minutes until the paramedics arrived. It was too late. This poor guy, who was only 35 years old was gone.

Paul is not in very good shape. He's the foreman of this crew. He feels very responsible. Even though he was not. He keeps telling me that all he wanted was to keep him from dying. But he couldn't do it. He said no matter how hard I tried. I failed. Bad. I've given him a Xanax and he's now laying down.

His boss called and canceled work for most of the week. The job of course is shut down while crime scene investigators and OSHA do their work. Paul told his boss, "I've done this kind of work since I was 16 years old. I never thought I'd be in this position".

Paul could use some prayer right now. So could the family of the guy who lost his life today. His name was Cedric.

I'll post some picture of Carly tomorrow. She did end up having a great day!