Yesterday, Paul and I were suppose to start seeing a grief counselor. Well, it didn't go as planned. I was a little ticked off. But, what else is new these days?!
After several weeks of trying to contact a group who supports bereaved parents, I threw in the towel. They wouldn't return my calls or emails. What a kind of support group is that? Not one I want to be a part of.
Finally, I put a call in to grief counselor that our family doctor recommended. Gave the NP (nurse practitioner) all of our insurance information and a brief summary of why we were in need of grief counseling. The NP then told me that she would contact our insurance company and get everything pre-approved. The very next day my phone rang and low and behold it was the NP. Except what she told me..floored me and her as well. She said, "I'm sorry Mrs. George, your insurance company will not allow you and your husband to be seen here. They say we're out of their network". Great. Back to square one!
Nearly two weeks ago, I called our insurance company and asked them just what we were suppose to do? We needed a grief counselor. I was told that we could only see who they told us we could see...so I then asked, what if we don't like this counselor? What if it isn't working out the way we think it should be? Or what if I don't care for the counselor and Paul does? Or, what if we would rather be seen one on one and not together? Weeelllll, the answer was, "call back and we'll have to re-pre-approve you both. UGH!
Last weekend I finally received a call from a grief counselor who is "in network". Except, trying to find a time for Paul and I to go together seems to be nearly impossible. (Paul has crazy work hours!) But, we were all set up to go last night for our first session, which was scheduled at 8pm last night. At 5pm I start calling Paul. The calls went to voice mail. I called again and again and again...all calls went to voice mail. At 6:17pm, he finally answered. He FORGOT! There was no way he could make it from down town Detroit in time. Sooooooo, now to reschedule.
The grief counselor suggests meeting with us both first and then doing one on one sessions. She told me that we could do which ever way we wanted, be it together, or separate. She also mentioned that people grief so much differently and men and women have different ways of grieving too, she finds it actually does each parent better to meet with her one on one. So, now were back to trying to find a spot on her schedule. It doesn't help that she is going on vacation all next week. I guess we've hung on this long, we can wait another week or so.
After Paul finally got home last night. He said out loud, what I knew he had been thinking for the past 4 months. God it kills me to type 4months. But, tomorrow will be exactly 4months to the day of losing Carly. It just so happens to be Paul's 45th birthday as well. I'm betting that tomorrow is going to really suck. More so than every Friday since April 23. Okay, sorry got off track. Back to what Paul said. I knew eventually this would come out and last night it did. His words to me were, "Joany, I did CPR and brought her back". "I saved her". "What happened after that"? I knew this was eating away at him. But it's the first time he's ever mentioned it. He has so much to work through. As we all do, but with him, I fear that he feels he failed her. I tried to talk to him in a way that would ease those thoughts. I told him that he did save her that day. She would have passed away in our living room had he not been home. She was not breathing and was blue/purple all over her entire body. He did save her. We know now that she had a very narrow window of opportunity there to save her after what we all assume was cardiac arrest (we still have to meet with the cardiologist). For some reason that we will never understand..things went terribly wrong in that ambulance.
I'm hoping that grief counseling will help us both. Especially since, it will soon be Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year followed by Carly's birthday. We need to get ourselves ready for some very rough times ahead. We need to have some tools in place to help get us through. Right now, neither of us know just how to go about that. We are having a hard enough time getting through each day.