"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Grief Counseling

Yesterday, Paul and I were suppose to start seeing a grief counselor. Well, it didn't go as planned. I was a little ticked off. But, what else is new these days?!

After several weeks of trying to contact a group who supports bereaved parents, I threw in the towel. They wouldn't return my calls or emails. What a kind of support group is that? Not one I want to be a part of.

Finally, I put a call in to grief counselor that our family doctor recommended. Gave the NP (nurse practitioner) all of our insurance information and a brief summary of why we were in need of grief counseling. The NP then told me that she would contact our insurance company and get everything pre-approved. The very next day my phone rang and low and behold it was the NP. Except what she told me..floored me and her as well. She said, "I'm sorry Mrs. George, your insurance company will not allow you and your husband to be seen here. They say we're out of their network". Great. Back to square one!

Nearly two weeks ago, I called our insurance company and asked them just what we were suppose to do? We needed a grief counselor. I was told that we could only see who they told us we could see...so I then asked, what if we don't like this counselor? What if it isn't working out the way we think it should be? Or what if I don't care for the counselor and Paul does? Or, what if we would rather be seen one on one and not together? Weeelllll, the answer was, "call back and we'll have to re-pre-approve you both. UGH!

Last weekend I finally received a call from a grief counselor who is "in network". Except, trying to find a time for Paul and I to go together seems to be nearly impossible. (Paul has crazy work hours!) But, we were all set up to go last night for our first session, which was scheduled at 8pm last night. At 5pm I start calling Paul. The calls went to voice mail. I called again and again and again...all calls went to voice mail. At 6:17pm, he finally answered. He FORGOT! There was no way he could make it from down town Detroit in time. Sooooooo, now to reschedule.

The grief counselor suggests meeting with us both first and then doing one on one sessions. She told me that we could do which ever way we wanted, be it together, or separate. She also mentioned that people grief so much differently and men and women have different ways of grieving too, she finds it actually does each parent better to meet with her one on one. So, now were back to trying to find a spot on her schedule. It doesn't help that she is going on vacation all next week. I guess we've hung on this long, we can wait another week or so.

After Paul finally got home last night. He said out loud, what I knew he had been thinking for the past 4 months. God it kills me to type 4months. But, tomorrow will be exactly 4months to the day of losing Carly. It just so happens to be Paul's 45th birthday as well. I'm betting that tomorrow is going to really suck. More so than every Friday since April 23. Okay, sorry got off track. Back to what Paul said. I knew eventually this would come out and last night it did. His words to me were, "Joany, I did CPR and brought her back". "I saved her". "What happened after that"? I knew this was eating away at him. But it's the first time he's ever mentioned it. He has so much to work through. As we all do, but with him, I fear that he feels he failed her. I tried to talk to him in a way that would ease those thoughts. I told him that he did save her that day. She would have passed away in our living room had he not been home. She was not breathing and was blue/purple all over her entire body. He did save her. We know now that she had a very narrow window of opportunity there to save her after what we all assume was cardiac arrest (we still have to meet with the cardiologist). For some reason that we will never understand..things went terribly wrong in that ambulance.

I'm hoping that grief counseling will help us both. Especially since, it will soon be Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year followed by Carly's birthday. We need to get ourselves ready for some very rough times ahead. We need to have some tools in place to help get us through. Right now, neither of us know just how to go about that. We are having a hard enough time getting through each day.

15 comments:

Dani said...

I have read your blog for some time now and don't think I have ever left a comment. Know that this mom here in Nebraska often holds you and your family close in my thoughts. While we have never met I feel that I have come to know you and your family through your words. I wish I knew words that you might find some comfort in, unfortunately I know there are none.

My mom died earlier this summer, I know that my lose can not even compare to the pain of loosing a child. One of the things that I heard at one of the funerals I went to this summer (we have lost a total of 5 relatives this summer alone) was the many "faces" of death. How at times death can be like the face of angels singing and at times the face of death is that of a robber. In many ways it is through the face of angels that I see my mom's passing while I can only imagine that you see the face of a robber when you think of the face of death where your sweet Carly was concerned. For that I am sorry.

Again know that I think of you often and wish there were words that I might share to help ease your pain.

I hope that as all the "firsts" pass this year your "seconds" come with less pain.

Dani

Michele said...

Working in mental health offices doing insurance authorizations, and in doctors offices doing the actual referrals,what you encounter is, unfortunately the norm. Insurance companies and mental health are a sore subject with me. For most people it is not even covered...you have to ask for the coverage. Sometimes going out of network is the only option...you might have to fight for it, and you might have to pay for it, but sometimes it is what you need to do. Sadly. :(

Give Paul our love. I am late sending birthday cards, but we will see you all in a few days. Love you

Rochelle said...

Sorry about the hassle with the insurance. Thankful that you found a counselor to go to. Praying for you both daily!

Trisha Larson said...

My husband and I started seeing a grief counselor the day after our son's funeral. We saw him 2x a week the first year, 1x a week the second and now we are at every other week.

I cannot tell you how much it has helped us. I hope that you benefit 1/2 as much as we did.

Hugs,
Trisha

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Tina said...

I really hope more than anything that the counselor works out and can help you find a way to deal with the grief. There are going to be so many many hard days ahead and you will find a way to get throught them the best you can.

Thinking of you today and praying that the 2 of you find the strength to continue down this very very difficult road. Sending you much love and hugs dear Joany.

JennyH said...

I hope you get the schedule all worked out. Also hope this counselor is great for you both.

I feel for Paul and for you. It does not seem like 4 months. Hope Paul has a good birthday.

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Always in my Prayers!!

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Tausha said...

You are in our families prayers. I hope you are able to get your schedule to work so you both can go. I can't even imagine what you are feeling but my heart aches for you.

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Kristin said...

Ugh. I've been thinking of you a little extra this week. My dad passed away unexpectedly a week ago while he was visiting from out of state. As hard as it has been, I just keep wondering how one could go on if it was their child that was gone. As much as I can't understand your total pain, I have just been sick thinking about the what if's - what if it were my child not my dad that we were planning a funeral for. You have been in my prayers. I hope you get the help you are seeking. I am oddly at peace with my dad's passing, which is bizarre to even say. I think I am just so grateful that it was not one of my kids. I'm rambling - sorry. Just know that there are so many of us out here that still think of you and pray for your family often. You are not forgotten.