"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The music in our hearts forever.

Today our baby's headstone was delivered.
Actually as you can see, the stone is also for Paul and me.

When we first went to the monument mason, I
described the type of stone that I had envisioned.
He sat at his desk while we were talking
and drew up this stone.

We wanted this stone to be really special.
Including Paul and myself.
The three of us together, forever.

I also wanted my name to the right (your left) of Carly
and Paul's to the left of her, (your right).
That's how we slept in bed each night.
The mason did question that. I guess
normally, the name of the man goes where
I wanted my name! Oh well...
This was the order we slept in each night
and this is the order I wanted us buried in.

My opinion; it's PERFECT!

Carly's heart is etched in purple; her favorite color,
along with her name, date's and the music notes.
Paul and I wanted Carly's heart to stand out,
to make it a bit more special.
And stand out, it does.
We picked red and purple roses
because red and purple were
her favorite colors.

We all think it's BEAUTIFUL!
But that's just our opinion.

The following picture is of the back of the stone.
We thought this phrase was appropriate.

Posted by Picasa

"mama, Paul, sissy & bubba",
was placed on the stone in this particular order,
because this is the order that Carly
would YELL our names out.
It was always,
"mama, Paul, sissy, bubba".
And she said lickity split.

Most of you know, Carly refused to
call Paul daddy, dad, dada. She used
to call him dada, but about 3-4 years ago,
she stopped. She was going to
Vacation Bible School that summer.
Her class had a lesson on the apostle Paul.
She put two and two together.
And that was the END of her
"dada" days. He was "Paul" from that day
forward and NO ONE
was going to change that.

So, as you can imagine, today was a another tough day for us.
Another day of living life without our baby girl.
Another day of knowing we will never be the same again.
Another day of realizing, this is it. This is final.
And we do realize that,
Carly will be the music in our hearts forever.


patricia said...

Perfect. Just perfect.
Incredibly beautiful.

JennyH said...

It is beautiful and perfect. Just wish you weren't doing this NOW. Too soon for her to be gone.

Cindy said...

That is absolutely beautiful. What a bittersweet day.

Regina said...

It's beautiful! And perfect!

Nicki McFadden said...

Joany it is absolutely gorgeous!

Proud Wifey And Mommii of 3 said...

Absolutely Perfect!! && Beautiful!!

Kristen's mom said...

Oh My! I love it!
Once again tears filling the keyboard.

What will we ever do?
I Think about you every day.

Anonymous said...

It's truly beautiful, I love it and everything it symbolizes. I do have a question, and I mean no disrespect, but where does leave your other two children? I would just feel like this gives Carly more importance over her siblings and that they would feel left out. Again, no disrespect...just wondering.

Tina said...

In regard to the above I did for a very split second think of Bubba and Sissy but then it was so obvious that they would one day lie together with their very own families.

Joany I think the stone is beautiful, this must be such a hard day for you not that the other days are that much easier but to have the reality of things staring you right in the face, that's unbearable. My heart continues to ache for you. I pray for peace and strength to get you through this one day at a time. Hugs

Me said...

It most definitely is perfect, and beautiful....just like Carly.

Unknown said...

not that i dwell on stuff like this, but this is exactly how i pictured our headstone...of COURSE my other kids would have their own families...but molly, the sarge and me???...we are a forever family.

Molly also snuggles in with us at night...which makes me cry everytime i see you speak of it, but also makes me think of you every night before we sleep.

it is, simply perfect.
An amazing tribute, from an amazing mom.

Kristen said...

The headstone is perfect! Thanks for sharing all of its details and the love that went into it.

The VW's said...

Beautiful! You guys put a lot of thought and love into Carly's headstone! Love, Hugs and Prayers!

Becca said...

The headstone is just beautiful, and so, so meaningful. I think of you often. ((hugs))

Joany said...

Dear anonymous reader,

Our other two children are grown; Ashleigh is going on 24, Brad is going on 21. We, and they fully expect that one day they will have their own families and as you and I...they will be buried with their spouse.

Furthermore, Carly was OUR little girl. We expected her to live a very long life, until we passed away, to which she would have gone to live with her sister~yes, we already were thinking that far ahead. You kind of have to when you have a special needs child. We already knew that she would be buried between us some day. Of course we NEVER dreamed that we would be burying our baby before us. And, FYI...we do have another grave next to mine, lord forbid something were to happen to one of our GROWN children, before they have a family/spouse of their own.

Carly was every bit of my life. I lived and breathed that little girl. Did that mean I loved her more than my other children. NO. But the love and bond we shared was much different than the love I have/share with our other children. That being said, Carly was going to forever be dependent on me/us. Believe me, that changes things. I don't know why or how, but it does.

Unless you have a special needs child, who you have seen fight and fight and fight to survive...and indeed survive over and over, countless health issues you will never understand where I'm coming from here.

A bond between a mother and a special needs child is quite different. I believe it's just as I explained it above.

Ashleigh used to mother Carly quite a bit. I had to remind her often that "I" am Carly's mom. To which Ashleigh would reply, "no offense mom, you aren't going to live forever. Some day Carly is going to be mine" So you see...the bond with Carly was a mutual thing. We all knew she would forever be in need of all of us.

Ashleigh and Brad were in complete agreement as to "how" Mama, Paul and Carly would be buried. For that matter, so were many family members and friends.

Another thing. Ashleigh and Brad were NOT left out of this. Both their names, in Carly's point of view, are on the back of the stone. "Sissy" & "Bubba", just the way she always referred to them. That's what THEY wanted on the stone.

I hope, if you do in fact have a special needs child...you're thinking on the future, which includes figuring out how/where you want your child buried one day. Hopefully, your special needs child, if you have one, lives a long and healthy, happy life. We weren't that lucky.

Like it or not. This is the way our entire family thought it should be. Me, Carly and Paul forever lying next to each other one day.

Kristen's mom said...

Couldn't have said it better myself! No one can even begin to understand the bond between a mom and her special needs child, unless of course you too been blessed to have an angel in your life.

my family said...

so wonderfully explained, beautiful stone. Are you all still going to therapy? Think of you very often.

Groves said...

Joany, not only is the headstone perfect - but I hope maybe you'll consider posting your answer above in the main part of the blog, too. You put things so well, and help others to understand in a way that means more than you know. When I saw your reply about the connection between a special needs child and their mother, I hoped that more people would get to read it. Maybe it will be missed if it is in the comments section...that's why I hoped that (if you think it is best and you want to) maybe you would post it in the main blog, too.

Your little girl touches so many lives. Every day & night without her is complete agony for you, and no wonder.


Cathy in Missouri

Rochelle said...

It is perfect, very beautiful.

Michelle said...

what a beautiful headstone and way to honor Carly's memory.

JEllen said...

It is beautiful Joany. So much thought and personalization so fitting for sweet Carly and her precious family.