"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Survivor, Surviving...

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom...through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal~


I think I've mastered the "smile of disguise" and it's harder than you could ever begin to imagine. I am surviving and so is Paul. I'm not quite sure how, because the whole process of surviving is hard work.

Paul and I have been having a rough time the past week or so. Facing the fact, the harsh reality of life without both Carly and Brad has been tough the last several days. This whole grieving thing, it isn't getting any easier for either of us and some days, it's nearly unbearable.

As March rolls in, our fears of Carly's approaching 2yr angel anniversary are becoming crystal clear. It's pretty scary for us. We can't believe we are coming up on the 2yr mark. And we can't believe that we've lost another child during that time. We are living a real, live, freaking nightmare.

They say, whoever they are...the experts on grief, I guess. Anyway, they say the 2nd year is the hardest to get through ~ during the grieving process, of a lifetime. We wouldn't know. Because during that time, we lost our son, Brad. Grieving 2 kids is hard. Very hard. We've been so numb over losing Brad that we haven't been able to hit the 2yr grieving mark for Carly. They, say the 2nd year of the grieving process is a huge hurdle to clear..it's suppose to be the very hardest part of this gut wrenching journey. But, it's important because..supposedly, when you get through the 2 year mark, things start getting more bearable. Not easier, just a bit more bearable because all of the "firsts" are over with..behind you. Such as; the first Christmas, birthday or any other special day.

We keep pushing forward and we're trying so hard to survive, but it's the hardest thing we've ever done in our lives. You can't imagine how hard it is for us to get up each morning, and just function. I'm home all day. Paul goes to work each day. We talk to each other several times a day and I can hear the life just draining out of his voice. He is in such awful shape. I worry about him all day long. He cries nearly all the time. Yes, he's on med's, (we both are) but in all honesty, med's don't heal a broken heart. A broken heart, times two.

Ashleigh is the only reason that Paul and I can face each day. She gives us the will to go on with our lives. It's really hard to have her 800 miles away from us right now, but at least we can talk to her whenever we want. Paul and I worry about her every single day. How that girl continues to move forward with her life is beyond me. She has such strength and determination. Despite the fact that she has lost both of her siblings. I'd have to say, she's pretty darn amazing. I feel so terrible though, because she "parents" us every now and then. Not kidding. It's like a role reversal. She sees us hanging at the end of our rope and she pulls us back in.

Surviving, is an awful hard job.


Cindy said...

My heart aches when I read this. I cannot even begin to imagine what your life must be like.

My daughter is out of the country and I sometimes wonder 'what if', but it's your reality.

I think about you a lot. You remain in my prayers.

Ruth R said...

All three of you have great courage, to an extent that I cannot even begin to imagine. It is really inspirational to me that despite such immense tragedy your blog is called "Finding Our Way" - "finding" is such a positive, hopeful, forward-looking word and your continued use of it in such awful circumstances is both moving and humbling - I pray that you will be given the strength and the peace to continue to find your way as you mourn the loss of two very precious young people.

Nikki said...

Beautiful poem. Your family is in my thoughts

www.madebynikki.blogspot.com - blog design to support special needs orphans in India!

louisianaborn said...

My dear blogger (I couldn't find your name). My heart just breaks for you, Paul and Ashleigh! I just happened across your blog tonight. I don't know how I found it.
I can imagine how exhausted you must be; the grief reaction is in itself a heavy load by itself x 2 in your case. In addition, dealing with the police, with building another house, insurance falling short of needs, insensitive, uncaring people, etc. Again, my heart goes out to you. I am so glad I found your blog, as I will definitely be praying for your family. I KNOW God, I KNOW that He loves you with great, passionate love, even more than you love your children--they and you are His children. He did not do this overwhelming and unfolding tragedy to you. You can read the story of Job (in the Bible, OT) and find in the 1st chapter who the perpetrator really is. I know this because I have believed His word from the age of 7 to the age of 71 and it has proven true to me every single time. His presence is so real to me!
I found through grief that I couldn't think ahead AT ALL, not even to the next few minutes at times. It is like a wave of the ocean that seems to wash over you and you feel you are drowning. Your chest hurts from the burden of it. It is literal pain. But one day on the beach, God reminded me of verses of scripture in which He states that He set a boundary for the oceans and He also had set a boundary for my grief and pain and it could only come so far, that it could not completely overwhelm me. I observed and found it was rhythmical, ebbing and flowing; over time I found that I could even laugh and have some relief before the next wave came over me. Other times, the tears would flow even when I was in public places. I learned to just let them flow when they came, not worry what people thought. I learned to talk about my loved one with people and it was healing...your children who have gone on before you are significant and you want that significance to not be forgotten. When people talk about your children who know them, you get to affirm their significance once again and not have them be forgotten. I had a little book from the 1st day, that I found in a book store while seeking for something to ease the pain I was feeling. It was a daily arm-chair counselor for me for the next 2 yrs. If you trusted me enough to email your mailing address to me I would order a copy to be sent to you but if not, this is the title: Grieving The Loss Of Someone You Love by Raymond Mitsch and Lynn Brookside. My email address is tharenv@comcast.net. If you put your blog title in the subject line I won't mistakenly delete it.
In the meantime, I want to urge you ever so gently, even if you are angry with God (God doesn't hold that against you! He knows your pain!) when you feel overwhelmed over ANYTHING, just say "Help Me, Lord Jesus". That is all the words I could utter to God for more than a year after. He looks at the heart, not at the abundance of our words. Your dependence upon Him will pay off in dividends. The more you trust in Him, the more you will realize that He is right there beside you, comforting you and also meeting your practical needs, too. He will defend you against the liars who are hurting you and your son's reputation. Just ask Him. Get to know Him, he already knows you (and Paul and Ashleigh). By the way, your three children are beautiful! I marveled at how lovely they are (I don't speak in the past tense when someone has left this temporal place called earth). May the Lord bless you! I am praying for you, right now as I close.

Devasena Hariharan said...

Hi, first time to ur blog. came from littlenavya's. I have no words for u.

But cant believe that so much torment for your family. my prayers

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