"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Just A Glimpse...

...of how our lives are changing. A new life. Not one that we ever asked for. Not one that we ever wanted. Not one that we'd wish on anyone. But, this change, it is inevitable..and this change completely SUCKS.

I've posted before that we are not happy about this new home. We aren't excited about it. We aren't looking forward to moving in to it. In fact, we are terrified to move into it. But we are thankful that our insurance co., realized that we just could not live in our old home, even after they rebuilt it. We are thankful that the cost of rebuilding our home was so high, it afforded us the chance to just get a new home. No way could we have ever lived in that same house. The house where our son took his very last breath. No Way! At this point, we aren't sure we'll even be able to live in this new home. It may prove to be much too difficult for us.

Below is, just a glimpse of our new home. We like this home. We have to, right? I mean, we have to live in it, so therefore, we have to like it. Right??? But, and that's a very BIG BUT,,, at the very same time, we don't..like it. We like nothing about it. It makes us sad. Makes us angry. Makes us feel guilty. Guilty for liking the house. Confused much?? So are we! I guess what I'm saying is this - we like the house itself. We ordered it the way we wanted it, and trust me, that was NOT easy to do a mere 4wks after losing Brad. But, we did order it the way we wanted it. From the flooring to the sinks, the cupboards to the paint color. What we don't like about it is - it's not "our" home. Our home where all of our memories were made with our kids. That home is gone, forever...that's the home we want back. The home and both of our kids who were taken so suddenly away from us.

This is a picture of Diesel sitting on our salvaged (from the old house) steps, in front of our new house. Diesel was/is, Brad's dog :(

I think the poor dog misses "home". Yes, he is with us while we live with my parents. The poor dog is so confused :( How could he not be?

The house is sided with Palm Green siding...Ashleigh really dislikes this color :(

You can see in the picture below, we had to remove several shrubs due to a different layout of this home. The empty spot between the windows is where our front steps used to be :(

And there's Diesel again. Guarding 'his' house...As I look at this picture, I can't help but wonder what this poor dog must be thinking about all that's gone on in the past 4months.

Diesel was (so was Carly's dog, Penny-a cockapoo) home that horrific night. He, (Penny too) has been uprooted, moved to my parents and he has been penned up. Normally, he has free rein of our yard...we had an underground pet fence.

I can't tell you how badly I wish that our dogs could talk. They saw so much commotion that horrible night. Which is why I'm pretty sure that is the reason Diesel has become VERY protective. Or, it could be all simply, due to his age. He's 3yrs old now. I'm sure the poor dog misses Brad and that likely has something to do with his being so protective. Penny missed Carly..she even cried for several weeks after we lost Carly :( She would wander around the house sniffing all the toys and cry. It was pitiful.

There you have it...just a glimpse, of our new home.

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Lindsay Marie said...

I'm still praying for all of you daily; I can't imagine the horror of losing 2 children :( My heart aches for you.

Cindy said...

This post was really hard to read. I just stared at that empty space between the windows and tried to imagine your old house. And poor Diesel!! I hadn't remembered that Brad had a dog.

I still can't believe everything you've been through. Just can't believe it.

chaneyk21 said...

Joany, I have been praying for you. If there is anything that I or the family can do please let us know.

chaneyk21 said...

Joany, I have been praying for you. If there is anything that I or the family can do please let us know.

Stephanie said...

Even the dogs have been hit hard by this tragedy. Wonder what they are thinking. I was just thinking about you guys yesterday. I hope in time your house will feel more like a home to you.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

thinking about you!!!

Island Baby said...

I'm so very sorry for your losses. Your new house is lovely although I know it will take a wwhiled or it to feel like a home again. Amazing that the dogs survived the fire. I don't know you, but I am keeping your family in my prayers. I pray for your strength and much peace during this difficult and unsettling time in your lives. Hang on there. Please know that many people are praying for you.

Island Baby said...

Oops typo. That should read "take a while for it to feel like a home again."