Thought it was time to "update" the blog, before I lose some followers.
Most people believe that time heals all wounds. Well, after nearly 9 months after losing a very important member of our family, I'm here to tell you that the whole, time heals all wounds thing is a big bunch of bull!
I'm amazed at those who believe that we should be "over it" by now. That those people can possibly think that we are over it, makes me physically sick. Not to mention that they actually say this to us. If they don't say that...they do ask quite often, more often than not, "it's getting a bit easier now isn't it?" NO. Okay. NO. This is NOT getting easier for us. It gets harder every. single. day! Every day that goes on without Carly, is another day further from the very last time we held our girl. It sure isn't getting any easier.
Not a day goes by that Carly isn't on my mind. Almost every minute of the day actually. I wake up with her on my mind. I go through the day with her on my mind. When I do finally fall to sleep at night, she is on my mind. I dream about her while I sleep. I wake up thinking that she's still here. Only to have reality slap me in the face.
We find ourselves very envious of others. Others with small children. Especially, other people who are parents to a child born with Down syndrome. I hate that envious feeling. We both hate that envious feeling. But envy, we have.
One would have to know Paul to know that he isn't the type of person who approaches people (strangers) to strike up a conversation. My family members and close friends know this of him. Others don't. And lately, Paul has been seeking out others. Others that he/we encounter while out and about. Others who have a child with Down syndrome. Oddly enough, we are finding that we are seeing more and more parents out with their kids who are sporting that extra chromosome. Probably they were out and about before, but we just didn't always notice them. Although, I believe it's because we are missing our little side kick.
I seem to have a little bit of a harder time with striking up conversations with other parents who are out and about with their child with Down syndrome. I do eventually speak, but I'm not the one who seeks them out. Which is kind of a change of rolls for us.
This week is proving to be just what I thought it would be. Difficult. A few months ago, Paul and I ordered a new bedroom set. It's to be delivered in a couple of weeks. I've put off, the cleaning of our bedroom for the past couple of months. But, I'm in there this week trying to get things in order. My bedroom has be neglected the past 9 months. I just didn't want to face having to "clean" it up/out. And trust me, it shows that the bedroom has been neglected.
Carly shared our bedroom with us. Since the day she was born. Her little toddler bed is still in our room to this day. And soon it will be removed, to make room for our new furniture. I can't imagine how that is going to hit us. Removing her bed. We shouldn't have to be removing her bed for the reasons at hand. We should be removing it and replacing it with a regular twin size bed. Or better yet, putting her in her own room. But just removing it, that just doesn't seem right to me.
What to do with all of Carly's clothing? How am I going to remove all her things from both of her dressers? How will I remove her clothes from the closet? These question are the reason that I have not been able to get our bedroom into order. It has just been to hard for me. Carly's clothing will be the very last thing that I remove from our bedroom. I won't part with her clothes tho., They will be placed in totes and put into storage. Eventually, I would like to find someone who can make a quilt or two or more, (she had a TON of clothes) out of her clothing. Ashleigh came up with that idea and we think it's a great one! Sorry, call me selfish, but I can not part with her clothes. I just can't do it. Even tho I know that other children could greatly benefit from those clothes. I can't part with them. I've always donated Carly's clothes to Good Will, but not this time. Not going to happen.
I told Paul the other day, "if we are changing the furniture in that bedroom, then I want the whole thing changed." (as in, painting the walls, getting new curtains and bedding.) And so, we're going to be very busy the next couple of weeks. Change is suppose to be a good thing, sometimes. Right? We'll see. I may be completely pissed off after we make this big change in our bedroom.
I leave you with the following video of Our Dancing Queen, Carly! Yes, I have been watching her video's. They make me happy and sad at the same time. Missing her so very much.
Belle and some goats
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