The Eyes Can Tell A Story

Often times throughout the day, I find myself looking in the mirror. I really dislike looking at myself in the mirror. Especially the past several months. Just don't like to see myself. Not anymore. Which makes me wonder just why on earth I continue to even look!

What do I see looking back at me? I see an aged, worn down, very sad woman. I see it in my face. I'm pale. I have bags under my eyes, not to mention dark circles. And trust me, it doesn't matter if I wear makeup or not...I'm still a dreadful sight. But, as I look at myself and into my eyes I see sadness. Deep, deep sadness.

Have you ever heard the saying "they eyes can tell a story?" Mine sure can. And sometimes, actually quite often, I just know other people can see that my eyes are sad as well. Sorrow. It's there. It shows. Whether I put a smile on my face. Crack a bit of a joke. Or actually, laugh out loud. My eyes tell it all. They are sad. They are lost. I am lost.

I've talked with many bereaved parents in the past 9 months. Some have lost children 25yrs ago. And you know what?? Their eyes tell of their sorrow. As I look into their eyes, searching I guess, for a glimpse of sparkle, life, happiness, hope. There is none. STILL. 25yrs later and these parents eyes tell their story. Without even having to open their mouths and verbally tell their own stories. The eyes tell all.

As I've mentioned before, I feel like I'm walking around the last 9 months, minus a limb from my own body. That's no joke. That's exactly what it feels like. And after talking to other bereaved parents, I've found that they also feel this way. Personally, I'd much rather be missing an arm or a leg, and have my sweet girl right back home, where she belongs. Some would argue "Carly is in a better place now." I beg to differ. HOME is the best place for her. Home with her "mama" "Paul" "sissy" and "bubba" and don't ever tell me otherwise. Mothers know best. And this mama knows, home with us, is what Carly would have wanted. No one can see with their own eyes, that I feel as if I'm missing a limb. But everyone/anyone can look into my eyes and simply see sorrow. See a broken woman. A woman lost, who likely will never find her way out of this gut wrenching grief and sorrow.

Each morning when I wake up, I have to force myself out of bed...some may see it as progress in living and going on with life. Going on with this never ending grief. And maybe in some way it is. Believe me, I would much prefer staying in bed all day long. Pulling the covers over my head and just sleep my days away. But, BUT,,,,,the reason I wake up and get out of bed each morning, is because I make myself. I'm trying to survive. I'm doing the best that I possibly can. I will do nothing more than the best that I can.

Once I wake up, I look at myself in the mirror...and I see how awfully worn out I look. I look as though I have aged a number of years. I feel it too. I feel worn down in every inch of my body. So not only do I know, that I look awful, my body actually feels it too.

Paul and I were at our doctor, Dr. L., the other day. We have a really great family doctor. He has taken such good care of us over the past 9 months. Dr. L., was also Carly's family doctor. He loved her and she loved him. She would walk around his office like she owned the place, mainly because she couldn't stand being in a patient room and waiting...she much preferred socializing. Stopping to tell everyone working at their desks, "hi!" Oh how I miss my sweet girl... Back to our doctor visit, Paul and I have been feeling a little more off, than usual the last couple of weeks. Paul is worn out too. When Friday hits, his worn out body is just that. Worn. Out. He works long hard hours at work each day. And more often than not, he is not feeling well come Friday night. He has headaches, sore throat, ear aches and he just wants to sleep. As for me, I started having dizzy spells again. I guess you'd call it vertigo. As it's not constant. I've been battling vertigo/inner ear infection since April 1st. By the time we lost Carly, my ear infection had cleared. But, it came back very soon after. And throughout the last 9 months, I continue to battle it. In fact, the only time I've had 'healing' of my inner ear infection, over the course of the last 9 months, were the months of Dec and Jan. Low and behold,,, it's STRESS that is causing these illnesses to linger for Paul and me. Stress knocks out a persons immune system. And right now, we pretty much have no immune system. We are stressed out, exhausted and our immune systems are shot to HELL.

As we sat talking with Dr. L., he told us a story of a High School friend, who had lost a child 30+ yrs ago. He told of how he went to a class reunion and this friend was there with her husband. We talked a little about the accidental death of his friends small child. The boy was swimming and for some reason, got out of the pool all wet from swimming all day..and touched a live wire. He died within minutes. Right there in front of his family, who had been having a pool party with the neighborhood. Dr. L., says that to this day, his friends eyes tell the pain and sorrow that is still there. That is never ending.

Another story he told us the other day was about a married couple who come to him as patients too. They are in their 80's. Just so happened they were in to see Dr. L., on the 45th anniversary date, of the death of their young son. Doc didn't get into any details of their loss, other than telling us that 45 years later and the tears were still streaming down their faces. Dr. L., told us that he never knew of the loss they had suffered years before, but that he did notice the look in the eyes of the mom. He said she always had the look of being lost. But up until that particular day, these parents had never said a word of the son they lost all those years before.

I suppose the lost look in my eyes will remain with me throughout the rest of my life. Some may think our doctor shouldn't have shared those stories with us. Likely because, "it gives you no hope." But you know what?? We know this is going to be with us the rest of our lives. 5 yrs. 10 yrs. 20 yrs 45 yrs. Our grief will NEVER end. EVER! Sure our lives will go on. We have no choice in that. But trust me, if you see me out and about, all you need to do is look into my eyes and you'll know the grief and sorrow are never ending. All because, "the eyes can tell a story."

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The following picture is of me...taken by Carly last February. She took it with her Fisher Price Camera, a gift from "HO HO" (Santa). You see that happy person in that picture below?? Well, sadly, she doesn't exist anymore. This person in this picture, doesn't even look the same anymore. Every part of my face is different now. In just one year, that happiness that shows very clearly in this picture,,,,, is gone.

"You don't get over it,
you just get through it.
You don't get by it,
because you can't get around it.
It doesn't get better,
it just gets different.
Everyday...
Grief puts on a new face."

~Wendy Feireisen