"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Horrible Heartache.

Cleaning out our bedroom proved much more difficult than even I could have imagined. Oh my gosh, it was AWFUL. Such a heartache.

We cried. We cried in a wailing way. Not just crying our everyday tears. Those fall freely on any given day. At any given time. As I packed (I cringe when I even type that word) away Carly's clothing I could not contain myself. My wailing even had both dogs on high alert! They freaked! In some ways, it was just as comparable to me, as the loss of Carly. By no means was it the same, but in many ways it was comparable. A finality. Paul and I both were wailing. Hard deep wailing as we packed more and more things. Unloading dressers. Loading up totes. HORRIBLE. Horrible heartache.

I placed all of Carly's tiny little clothes neatly into several plastic totes. Her socks. Her tights. Her underpants. Her undershirts. Her pajamas. Pants. Shirts. Dresses. Skirts. Coats. Snow pants. Hats. Mittens. Belts. Shoes. I tossed out not one single thing. And probably, I never will.

Paul took Carly's toddler bed apart one Sunday morning before I even woke up. He had such a hard time doing that. I heard him crying, but really had no idea he was taking her bed down. He cries often. And often times wants to be left alone. Taking down the bed was just too final. Granted, she rarely slept in it! Nonetheless, it was HERS. And it was cute and pretty, just like a little girls bed should be. I had a hard time taking her crib down and putting her into a toddler bed. How could I have witnessed taking her toddler bed down? Forever.

Our new bedroom furniture finally did come. It only took 11 1/2 weeks to get here! Paul painted our room and it looks completely different now. It feels different too. Which I haven't yet decided on whether or not those are good things. Looking different and feeling different. Still undecided. We had intended to buy new carpet for our living room and our bedroom, but since our water pump went out on us a couple weeks ago...and, we had to shell out $1250.00 to get a new one...well, our new carpet gets put on the back burner for now.

Here's a peak of our bedroom furniture. We really do like it, but would of course much prefer having that little toddler bed back in it's rightful place. Along with it's rightful owner.

As I look at these pics, they really don't do the furniture justice. It's much richer in color than I was able to capture on my camera. Especially the above pic.

Ah, this pic is a better idea of the nice rich, cherry color of the furniture. Not sure what happened in the other pic..but, who cares!

As you can see in the above pic, I have a couple of Carly's stuffed animals along with a few other items on my dresser. The lamb, is a wind up musical that plays, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. A gift given to Carly during her first heart surgery, from my cousin Cyndi and her husband Brett. Carly LOVED her lamb. It remained in her bed every night. The pink bear was a gift from the recovery room, after one of Carly's many surgeries, (2 heart and 6 caths. 7 surgeries for port placement, broviac placements and all the removals) I believe it was given to her after the final removal of her port. She LOVED this little pink bear too. I almost buried her with it, but since we planned to bury her with her Strawberry Shortcake Doll, I selfishly wanted to keep something that she loved. There is also a tiny pair of porcelain pink booties with her name on them sitting near the pink bear. Those were a gift from Paul after I had Carly. A little Cherished Teddy holding a wand sits atop my dresser too. It was given to Carly by my Aunt Joan, (yes, I'm named after my mom's sister). This was the only ornamental type thing that Carly ever messed with. She would get it off of her dresser and kiss it and prance around the house with it. But, she always put it back. She never bothered any knickknacks that I had sitting out. I never had to "baby proof" my house for her. At least not for the knickknacks! The C was made by Ashleigh's friend, Kelsea. She made it for Carly during High School art class. It used to set on the top of Carly's dresser and now, it will remain on mine.

As I said above, still not sure of how I/we feel about the different bedroom. I did return to our room. My first night in my bed in over 8months, was so eerie. Definitely missing Carly laying between us. Not the same. Never will be again. I felt as tho I was missing a limb while laying there. A description that I use often as I talk to our doctor about how I'm doing. I actually feel as if I'm walking around without a limb. Weird I know. Some will not understand that whole, minus a limb thing, but if you've been there, you get it.

Other than our new furniture. Life continues to go on. It's not easy. Not by a long shot. But, we have no other choice. We talk often of Carly. We laugh over our memories and we cry over our memories. I just hope I never forget. I want to remember everything about her. EVERYTHING. I did buy a journal to jot down my memories. But I still fear of losing memories. The one thing I know I/we will never lose, is the love inside of our hearts for our little girl. Altho., we will never escape, our horrible heartache.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory
no one can steal."
~Author Unknown


Anonymous said...

Joany you are an inspiration, I love your honesty and can sense the raw grief coming from you. I bet you sniffed and held every item of clothing, I would! How amazing you and your family are xxx

Unknown said...

Be sure to put some of them in spacebags or something similar...i understand that the scent can be preserved for a long time.

I'm so proud of you guys...you are amazing people, and i feel blessed to be among those you share your life with.

much love coming from missouri,


Debbie @ Three Weddings said...

There are no words. Nothing I can begin to even think of to say to you that could give you comfort. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you. Thank you for sharing. You are both in my heart and prayers.

Unknown said...

Bravery!!!!!! I still haven't been able to take Laynee's bed down. Just can't bring myself to do it.

Penny's Peeps said...

i can't begin to offer you any words that will make a difference. thank you for sharing this with us. thank you for your honesty. thank you for loving your precious carly so beautifully.... much love and hugs!

Cathy said...

Oh Joany...tears here...tears for Carly and tears for you. Your grief and agony are something NO parent should ever have to go through. Continue to share your heart with us. (((HUGS)))

Heather said...

My love and prayers flowing to you.

I just used this when I posted about sweet Lois.thought I would share it with you if you hadn't seen it.

"To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die."~Thomas Campbell

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

i still think about you and carly tons!!! i have fallen behind on keeping up with our blog and other blogs (whitney is up to 7 therapies a week) but i am catching up this weekend and think about you even when i am not checking on blogs!!!! sending a big hug your way!!!

Tina said...

Thinking of you always....Carly will never be forgotten. Keep that journal, everytime you remember something write it down. I know you will never forget anything about Carly, she was your life.

JS Grame-Smith said...

The last one image is really nice and superb.I like it very much.
-Wooden bedroom furniture

Michelle said...

I can't begin to imagine how difficult it was to pack up all her clothing in those bins and to take down the bed :( I'm so sorry any of this had to happen. You're always in my prayers.