Horrible Heartache.

Cleaning out our bedroom proved much more difficult than even I could have imagined. Oh my gosh, it was AWFUL. Such a heartache.

We cried. We cried in a wailing way. Not just crying our everyday tears. Those fall freely on any given day. At any given time. As I packed (I cringe when I even type that word) away Carly's clothing I could not contain myself. My wailing even had both dogs on high alert! They freaked! In some ways, it was just as comparable to me, as the loss of Carly. By no means was it the same, but in many ways it was comparable. A finality. Paul and I both were wailing. Hard deep wailing as we packed more and more things. Unloading dressers. Loading up totes. HORRIBLE. Horrible heartache.

I placed all of Carly's tiny little clothes neatly into several plastic totes. Her socks. Her tights. Her underpants. Her undershirts. Her pajamas. Pants. Shirts. Dresses. Skirts. Coats. Snow pants. Hats. Mittens. Belts. Shoes. I tossed out not one single thing. And probably, I never will.

Paul took Carly's toddler bed apart one Sunday morning before I even woke up. He had such a hard time doing that. I heard him crying, but really had no idea he was taking her bed down. He cries often. And often times wants to be left alone. Taking down the bed was just too final. Granted, she rarely slept in it! Nonetheless, it was HERS. And it was cute and pretty, just like a little girls bed should be. I had a hard time taking her crib down and putting her into a toddler bed. How could I have witnessed taking her toddler bed down? Forever.

Our new bedroom furniture finally did come. It only took 11 1/2 weeks to get here! Paul painted our room and it looks completely different now. It feels different too. Which I haven't yet decided on whether or not those are good things. Looking different and feeling different. Still undecided. We had intended to buy new carpet for our living room and our bedroom, but since our water pump went out on us a couple weeks ago...and, we had to shell out $1250.00 to get a new one...well, our new carpet gets put on the back burner for now.

Here's a peak of our bedroom furniture. We really do like it, but would of course much prefer having that little toddler bed back in it's rightful place. Along with it's rightful owner.

As I look at these pics, they really don't do the furniture justice. It's much richer in color than I was able to capture on my camera. Especially the above pic.

Ah, this pic is a better idea of the nice rich, cherry color of the furniture. Not sure what happened in the other pic..but, who cares!

As you can see in the above pic, I have a couple of Carly's stuffed animals along with a few other items on my dresser. The lamb, is a wind up musical that plays, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. A gift given to Carly during her first heart surgery, from my cousin Cyndi and her husband Brett. Carly LOVED her lamb. It remained in her bed every night. The pink bear was a gift from the recovery room, after one of Carly's many surgeries, (2 heart and 6 caths. 7 surgeries for port placement, broviac placements and all the removals) I believe it was given to her after the final removal of her port. She LOVED this little pink bear too. I almost buried her with it, but since we planned to bury her with her Strawberry Shortcake Doll, I selfishly wanted to keep something that she loved. There is also a tiny pair of porcelain pink booties with her name on them sitting near the pink bear. Those were a gift from Paul after I had Carly. A little Cherished Teddy holding a wand sits atop my dresser too. It was given to Carly by my Aunt Joan, (yes, I'm named after my mom's sister). This was the only ornamental type thing that Carly ever messed with. She would get it off of her dresser and kiss it and prance around the house with it. But, she always put it back. She never bothered any knickknacks that I had sitting out. I never had to "baby proof" my house for her. At least not for the knickknacks! The C was made by Ashleigh's friend, Kelsea. She made it for Carly during High School art class. It used to set on the top of Carly's dresser and now, it will remain on mine.

As I said above, still not sure of how I/we feel about the different bedroom. I did return to our room. My first night in my bed in over 8months, was so eerie. Definitely missing Carly laying between us. Not the same. Never will be again. I felt as tho I was missing a limb while laying there. A description that I use often as I talk to our doctor about how I'm doing. I actually feel as if I'm walking around without a limb. Weird I know. Some will not understand that whole, minus a limb thing, but if you've been there, you get it.

Other than our new furniture. Life continues to go on. It's not easy. Not by a long shot. But, we have no other choice. We talk often of Carly. We laugh over our memories and we cry over our memories. I just hope I never forget. I want to remember everything about her. EVERYTHING. I did buy a journal to jot down my memories. But I still fear of losing memories. The one thing I know I/we will never lose, is the love inside of our hearts for our little girl. Altho., we will never escape, our horrible heartache.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal."
~Author Unknown