"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The little white vest...

...popped up yesterday. It sent a wave of emotions through me. I knew that I hadn't packed this little white vest away, with the other clothing of Carly's..but still, when I came across it, it just ruined my whole day.

The memories came flooding back. How I wish I had a picture of Carly wearing this vest. OH MY GOSH, she was so stinking cute in it. She wore her cool little suede shoe boots, jeans and a top...and then this vest. She was stylin' and she knew it! I'm just sick, that I don't have a picture of her wearing this. This little vest is one or several items of clothing that sadly, she didn't get to wear very often. It's like brand new.

The little white vest, has hung on our coat rack at our back door for the last 10 months. Untouched. I just couldn't bring myself to take that little vest off of it's rightful hook on the wall. But, due to some remodeling going on in our house, the coat rack had to be taken down for a while. Now that the coat rack is back and as I was rehanging all the coats, this little white vest was at the bottom of the stack. It just completely threw me. Like I said, I knew that little white vest hung on the coat rack - I had no intention of removing it - as far as I was concerned, the little white vest, could hang on the coat rack forever. However, when I found this little white vest at the bottom of my stack of coats...it just sent me into a tizzy.

It's so strange to me, how certain things/items of Carly's that I run across, can slam me smack dab into a brick wall. It's a deep, crushing pain that hurts so incredibly bad. Even tho., I don't know first hand what it feels like to slam smack dab into a brick wall...it is just what I imagine that slamming into a brick wall would feel like. And believe me, it's not easy to pick yourself up and brush yourself off. It's just NOT that easy.

Some days I can go all day without shedding a single tear. Not many days, but once in awhile. But, that just leaves me feeling guilty. Guilty for not crying. There isn't one single minute of my day when I don't think of Carly. She is in my constant thoughts. Constant. If I don't cry, then I convince myself that I must be going crazy. Who wouldn't cry every day over their loss of their 8year old child? Surely there must be something wrong with me. Why don't those tears come every day? Paul's do.

Paul is a completely different story. I worry about him. He cries a lot. In fact, he cries all the time. He can't look at her pictures anymore without crying...and I mean sobbing, not just tears running down his face. Sobbing.

Often times I think that Paul is carrying around a tremendous amount of guilt. Actually, I know that he is. As Carly laid on our living room floor, lifeless. Not breathing. No pulse. Completely blue. Paul is the one who resuscitated her. He is the one who brought her back. His words to me, as I was in complete hysterics..were, "Joany, I did it, she's back she's okay." That's when the EMT busted through our front door and that's when Carly flipped the lady (EMT) the bird!

Paul had saved our baby in our living room and he knew it. But then, in the ambulance..he couldn't save her. He tried. He worked on our girl for 20 miles, to the nearest ER. He feels guilt for not being able to save her, to resuscitate just one more time. Time enough to get her to the ER.

The first couple of days after losing Carly, it was me who had to physically pull Paul out of bed (Ashleigh helped me). He was in that bad of shape. I wasn't much better, but the toll that working on Carly and not being able to save her life, wreaked havoc on him...and sadly it continues. Maybe that's why my tears aren't flowing as freely. Maybe I feel like I need to keep it together, for the sake of everyone else in my family. But truthfully, I feel like I'm going freakin' crazy.

I have no idea how to comfort Paul. How to tell him none of this is his fault. He did do everything in his power to save our baby girl. He fought hard to save her. He worked on her in that ambulance. Paul, is the one that did all the chest compressions on Carly during that dreadful ambulance ride. Paul. NOT the EMT's...nice eh? It was all on Paul's shoulders and he feels he failed his baby girl. Personally, I don't think any parent should have to work on saving their child's life in a freaking ambulance. What the HELL do we even need EMT's for if the parent has to do all the damn work? But hey, that's just me and my thoughts.

If you're my friend on facebook, you may have already read what happened last night. Paul and I decided to get out of the house for a while. After the little white vest surfaced, we just needed to get out of here. We headed to a near by town, looking for our replacement flooring,,,yes-our insurance claim finally came through!

We hit the flooring store, Target and a couple other stores. We're finishing up the remodeling of our bedroom and I needed some art work/wall hangings for the walls. It's always hard to go into stores these days. I get a cringe in my gut when I walk past the girls clothing. I can't help but glance at all the cute little clothes and boy does it ever sting. While in Target, there of course were kids everywhere...which is fine, but sometimes it just really bothers us. Makes us more aware that our little side kick isn't with us anymore. I reached into my purse to grab a Xanax for Paul and I, but realized that we had taken the bottle out of my purse and never put it back..ugh. We did quite a bit of deep breathing while shopping, and I was sure my rib cage was going to cave in at any moment. But, we made it.

After all the shopping, we headed to our favorite Chinese restaurant. We went quite often with Carly. Carly loved Chinese food. We've been there a few times since we lost her. But this time, as we walked in to the restaurant the owner came over to seat us. She asked, in her broken English, "just you two tonight, no little daughter?" It was a nice kick in the gut. Innocent as the question was..it still was a kick to the gut. The poor lady felt so bad. Her chin hit the floor and she turned white as we told her what happened to Carly. No matter where we go, what we do, or how we do anything in our day to day lives, Carly is missed.

Sorry for the rambling. Guess I got a bit off focus on this post so I'll wrap it up.

As for "the little white vest" I'm going to hang it in it's rightful spot on the coat rack and it may just stay there forever.


Joyce said...

Just keep rambling Joany. No need to be sorry, we are listening. Not able to comprehend what you are going through, yet listening with an aching heart for you and Paul.

Unknown said...

I can so relate to this post. We had a couple of shirts that hung, for months, on the rack on our laundry room. I couldn't bring myself to take them down. Her shoes sat on our window sill, where I'd set them to dry, for well over a year. There are certain items that cause me to double over in pain when I come across them.

I also understand the guilt factor. It's a very heavy load to carry.

Tina said...

Keep rambling, isn't that what we are there for...to listen. I know we can't change anything or even take away even a little of your pain but we are always here to listen.

I can't imagine how hard life must be how very hard and painful it must be to try and go on without Carly. I will never ever understand how unfair life is, will we ever understand, will it ever make sense? I don't think so.

I think of you often and of Carly and I know I will never understand the full extend of your pain but my heart aches for you and for Paul. I will always keep you in my prayers.

Tammy said...

Once again I am crying,.oh how I can feel your pain and misery through your blogs. Carly will forever be apart of your life and you will forever be surrounded by her wonderful and painful memories. Stay strong

Lisa said...

You keep rambling... I'll keep listening.

Hardwood Flooring said...

Very nice.Keep rambling and keep writing...

Cindy said...

Joany, you have me crying today. As Carly remains in your hearts and thoughts, you remain in ours.