"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Another month passes.

May is soon going to be over. I sit here and think..where does time go? I've said this many times in the past 13+ months, "I wish life had a re-wind button." However, I know that is only wishful thinking. It's not reality. But I still wish for it. And I probably will, forever.

This month has been very difficult. I'm glad is almost over, but sad at the same time. And, I worry what the next month and the months soon to follow, will bring. I seem to have many more tears falling, over the course of this month. Much frustration. Much depression. Much sadness. Much heartache..and yes, my heart still aches. It actually, painfully hurts. My chest feels like its caving in. I don't sleep any better, in fact I think I sleep worse in the past month or so, than in previous months. My mind never shuts off. And loneliness consumes me. Yes, I realize I still have a family. But, losing Carly last year...I lost a part of me too.

What I hate the most, other than having my 8yr old buried in a damn cemetery, is that I am forever a different person. I don't like this person. I liked me, 13months ago. I liked my life. I LOVED my life. Now, I dislike nearly everything about my life.

I'm so very angry. First and foremost, I'm angry at God. I want to believe there is a God, but what my family is going through, really makes me question whether or not He even exists. I try and convince myself that, yes, He does exist, because I want my daughter to be in Heaven. And she damn well better be there, if of course there even is a Heaven.

But then, I go back in time. Back to April 23 2010. I'm so pissed off on how that all played out. I have a son who suffers from severe depression and he had to witness the most horrific thing anyone could ever imagine. His baby sister dying on our living room floor. His dad frantically doing CPR on her lifeless, blue, body. His mom completely losing it and going into hysterics. I was so hysterical, I was ushered out of my damn house! And then, he saw her come back and be her spunky little self. I was told to console my son. Make him aware of the fact that Carly was back and she was okay. And I will be damned, if less than one freaking hour later, my brother had to come to my house and tell my son, "Brad, you need to get dressed, Carly died on the way to the hospital" That is messed up. And anyone who doesn't understand my questioning God,,well...I'm sorry, but that's my mind frame right now. What kind of God allows such a scene to play out? Thanks to that horrific day, my son has slipped further into depression and I seriously, do not know what to do for him. I used to pray for him and his illness. But now I see clearly, that all the praying in the world,,,often times, is of no use.

I've learned quite a bit in the past 13months. Life goes on. Like it or not. Life goes on. Life is NOT fair. Bad things happen to good people. People pass judgement on grieving families, "they should be getting over this by now." I know that's what people think ..all I can say, is step into my skin for a few minutes...then let me know your thoughts on "getting over this" I've learned that true friends are few and far between. Friends who you thought were friends, are no where to be seen. Which I can not figure out. Do friends disappear? Do they fear grieving parents? Do they think I'm going to sit and cry constantly? I don't,,,just so you know. Yes, I cry and I do it quite often, but...BUT, I try and cry by myself.

With all that being said, in the above paragraph. I do have a couple of, in real life friends who call quite often. They both live out of state. One in Virginia and one in Florida. But, they call. They leave messages..they don't stop calling. If they can't get a hold of me, they call again another day. Those are true friends. Honest to goodness, true friends. And I'm thankful they call me so often, even if I don't return their calls for several days/weeks. I know they care a lot about me and my family. And I'm very thankful for both of them.

My online friends have been so supportive to me and my family. I have the best bunch of online friends that a person could ever hope for. I get support from all over the world. And that, is priceless. I never thought people could bond, without ever meeting in real life..but you can! I have and for that, I'm thankful.

I found the following message on a parents grieving web site. Oh how I HATE having to make sure I'm not losing my ever loving mind. I actually research "grief" and "grieving parents" etc.. This message really struck me. It's a great message. Loud and clear. Please, take a few minutes to read the message below.


Losing a loved one does not just disrupt a person’s life - it changes it forever. When someone you care about experiences the death of a loved one, it may be hard to know what to say or how to offer comfort and support. This is especially true if you have not yet gone through the loss of a loved one yourself. There are various ways to support someone who is going through this difficult experience.

Here are some ways you can give support to someone who is grieving.

Be a good listener. Sometimes the best thing you can offer to someone who is grieving is to listen. Assure the person that it is okay to talk about his or her feelings. Although you cannot erase the pain of the bereaved person’s loss, you can provide a great deal of comfort by being there to listen.

Respect the person’s way of grieving. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves in his or her own way. The sadness of loss, however, is universal.

Accept mood swings. Be aware that a grieving person will have emotional ups and downs. Grief is often described as an emotional roller coaster. Someone who has just lost a loved one may feel fine one moment and overcome with emotion the next. This is a normal part of the grieving process.

Avoid giving advice. It is best to avoid making suggestions about what the bereaved person should or should not do. Such advice is usually well meant, but it may make the bereaved person feel worse. Instead, let the person know that you recognize how great his or her loss is. For example, you might say, “What a difficult time this must be for you,” or “How painful this must be for you and your family.”

Refrain from trying to explain the loss. Words that are meant to console the bereaved can in some cases have the opposite effect. Avoid saying things like “Your loved one is in a better place,” “It is God’s will,” or “At least she or he is no longer suffering.” Listening is more helpful.

Help out with practical tasks. A bereaved person may be glad to have help with activities like grocery shopping, preparing meals, making phone calls, doing laundry, babysitting, and so on. Rather than saying, “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help,” offer assistance with specific tasks you are in a position to help with.

Stay connected and available. There is no timetable for grief. People who are grieving need time to heal, so be patient. Let the bereaved person know that you will check in often. Even if he or she is not yet ready to talk or to be around others, simply knowing you’re there can be very comforting.

Offer words that touch the heart. It’s natural to struggle with finding the right words. Simple words are often the best. For example, say: “I’m so sorry for your loss. How can I help?” No matter how unsure you may feel about the support you are offering, what matters most is that you are genuinely concerned and want to help. The bereaved person will likely appreciate your sincere efforts to be supportive.


littlelola said...

I am so sorry for your loss! Reading this post made me feel like I am not the only person dealing with the loss of a loved one. I lost my mother 1 year ago today and I struggle as to why she was taken. She was too young to go. I ask myself why people say... everything happens for a reason! I HATE they expression... I DO NOT WANT THIS REASON!
I can not relate to the loss of a child and I dont know if I would be able to. Time is your best friend and it can be your worst enemy.
You will never get over the loss of your precious daughter, maybe you will never move past the horrible feelings that consume your daily life.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Just wanted to let you know that after reading your blog I don't feel alone. I hope that soon you will be able to find some kind of happiness. Many positive thoughts coming your way.. Feel better and take some time for what you need.
Remember that their is no time limit on healing.... You do what you need to do for yourself
Take care :)

Keri Mae said...


Unknown said...

I don't know what to say except to send you a virtual hug. I hope that helps a little.

Heather said...

As I have watched many of my mommy friends,from 4E,grieve over the last few years,I have learned so much from them about this process.This unfair,unimaginable,ugly process.I have watched as the second year begins and I have heard from them,how difficult,even more so than year one,that it is.I knew from them,what you would most likely be facing and because of that,I say my prayers and send you all my love from a far,wishing so much it will help,knowing that most likely it won't but letting you know,all the same,I am still here.Not going away anytime soon.

Love to you and Paul and keeping Brad close to my heart as well.

Kristen said...

You were on my heart today, more than usual. I had a craving to sit in a quiet little cafe with you and listen to the memories of Carly that were playing through your mind today. I wondered what they were, as I prayed for you.

patricia said...

my heart is broken for you and your family. I wish I could just sit and have a cup of tea with you... to cry, laugh, scream, whine, sit and be silent... sending you much much heartfelt love Joany.

motherofangels said...

Hug and tears. I know you are struggling with what you believe and I am a perfect stranger, but I hope telling you what I believe and what my church believes... That children with special needs enter this world perfect and leave this world perfect. They go directly to the loving arms of the God that created them. I believe this with all my heart!

Reading your blog touches my heart. Your love for Carly is palpable! I believe she knows of your love for her even now. I also believe that she is cheering for you and your son.

Living with her gave you a glimpse of what heaven will be like and my belief is that one day you will unite with her in heaven.

Prayers to you and take as long as you need, and cry as much as you need. It is okay! It is normal! But keep your head up... If only for Carly!

Salinas family said...

I wish there was some way I could carry some of your pain, your heartache, and your sorrow for you. But I don't know if that's even possible. Just know, that although you and I have never met, I have such tender feelings for Carly and your family and think of you often. I have not lost a child; I have lost 3 nephews and know the depth of that pain. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose one of my own children. Be gentle with yourself; be patient and don't worry about the expectations of others.
Sending love from Logan Utah,

Lacey said...

Coming close to losing Jax so many times, I know what not to say. I think, I don't want people trying to explain why they died, or that they are in a better place. I don't care, they are meant to be here with us! I still question God. From the time I lost my grandma, she suffered so much, and yet did so much for Him. Went on a mission, and church every week. Then Jax was born, and I question him every day!
I have lost a lot of friends, and my friends seem to disappear when I need them the most. They love the advice and words of wisdom, but they don't like to give that back when I need comfort!
You continue to amaze me Joany!

Unknown said...

What a beautiful way to keep Carly's memory alive. Praying for you often.