"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Broken hearts

...or...
as I've been saying over the past several days,
shattered hearts.


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Last week,we went into the local florist
to pick out flowers, for yet another dam funeral for another child of ours.

Another child lost in a senseless death.
Another of our children, taken far too soon.

As we glanced through the many photo albums
full of beautiful flowers
I spotted this, broken heart.
I knew as soon as I laid my eyes on it,
this was the floral arrangement that was
very fitting of our feelings over the loss of our son.
Our feelings of this horrific loss.

Paul and I talk quite often over HOW this living nightmare
could have possibly taken place.
HOW?
HOW can this be happening to our family again?
HOW can we be going through this, again?

We've talked about reading this type of horror story,
in magazine articles.
You know the kind.
Where parents tell the story of their gut
wrenching losses of their children.
Not one, but two. (or sometimes more.)
We remember thinking back over those types of stories.
Thinking, my gosh, how can those parents go on living
after suffering such horrendous losses...
And now, here we are. We are one of those families.
One of those stories that you think,
you will only ever read about in magazines.

Unsure of how to go on really.
Unsure if we will ever be able to go back to our home
and actually live there.
The home our son died in.

As of now, our home is unlivable.
We've been back to our house,but only outside.
We have stood at our son's bedroom window,
which is boarded shut, and cried our eyes out.
As we stood crying, we wondered,
how we can go back to the very home
where one of our children lost their lives.

The real kick in the ass is-
we are still trying to learn how to live our lives without Carly.
And now, just 18 freakin' months later,
we are having to go through this loss, of our only son.

Seriously.
We have no idea how we will get through this.

How did a family of 5,
become a family of 3, in just 18 months time?

12 comments:

stephanie said...

I cannot get past the why or the how. I cannot count how many times a day i ask those questions. Joany, I haven't figured out how to pray for you yet. I'm glad so many people are though. I just keep asking why...

Maybe all my "whys" and "hows" can be considered a prayer.

i was thinking the other day how much I miss your menu plans. stupid what pops into your head.

love and hugs

Kristen's mom said...

I've never seen flowers like that before. It is very fitting. I wish I could do or say something, but I don't have the words. Always, always, always know that I am here and I think of you every single day.

Cathy said...

I know that no words any of us utter can take away your pain. Just know that so many love you and think of you daily.

Zoey's mom, Heather said...

If only I had the answer for you my sweet, sweet friends. Unimaginable,unfathomable and absolutely, on every level, beyond unfair. More than anyone, any family should ask to carry.

Love from California and you know, as Denise has said already, you can always come here and visit. Stay with us as long as you want. We are here. Not going anywhere.

Rochelle said...

Can't even find the words to say but, please know that we are thinking of you and praying for you. I pray that others will truly be thankful for all they have in hearing your story.

Bulldogma said...

All I can offer is my thoughts, prayers and cyber-hugs, though I know none of these things can do even an infinitesimal amount to ease your pain. I think about you and your family every day. I so hope that some rays of sun - somehow, somewhere - shine into your lives, helping you to survive these tragedies.
More hugs -

my family said...

i know that words can't begin to take the pain away but know we are here to listen and we are praying for you and your familyduring this most unimaginable time

The VW's said...

Life has been so unfair to your family! Thinking of you lots! Love, Big Hugs and Lots of Prayers!!!

Merideth said...

Just sending all the love I have, and wishing I could do more.I am so so so very sorry. Much love.

Kate said...

I am so terribly sorry for the tragic loss of your beloved son. There is so much in life that is SO unfair and SO wrong... losing two children ranks right up there & my heart hurts for you.

Cindy said...

My heart aches for you. I can't even imagine....

suelmayer said...

So sorry, no words come to me but I continue to pray for you and your family.