"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

One Day At A Time...

One day at a time is all I can do …
One day at a time to stop grieving for you
One day at a time for my soul to not ache
To stop shedding hot tears; for my heart not to break.

One day at a time is all I can do …
One day at a time to stop yearning for you
One day at a time for my empty arms
To stop clutching you close against nightmare’s alarms.

One day at a time is all I can do …
One day at a time blindly stumbling through
One day at a time, the motions of life …
To stop fighting against unceasing pain and strife.

One day at a time is all I can do
One day at a time in memory of you …
One day at a time to make your life worth
Your painful loss, all too soon after your birth.

~borrowed from my online grief support group~

The words "One Day At A Time" seem to be used quite often in our home these days. Paul and I seem to use them a lot. Not sure if we are hoping against all hope that one day life will be a bit easier for us..or, if we are trying to convince ourselves of something that we know full well, will never be easier.

This past week I seem to be at the cemetery more often. Paul too. Paul is having such a difficult time the last few weeks. I'm sure part of that is the fact that Ashleigh is gone now. Ashleigh kept our family "balanced". She kept us in line. On track. And gave us HELL when she knew we needed a swift kick to the A double S! I'm pretty sure that may have a lot to do with how awful we have felt the past several days.

Tonight, Paul was telling me how awful he feels, sick even, after leaving the cemetery. I told him that maybe he needed to have a break from stopping so often. Probably it wasn't the best thing to tell him. He just wept..broke completely down. I sure don't have much advise for him. We're like the blind leading the blind here. We've never done this before and it just plain sucks.

Some days are better than others, but in all honesty, no days are good days. It's like a feeling of having the wind knocked out of you time and time again. I think that most everyone can relate to that feeling. Right? Just imagine having that constant feeling. It sucks..and, well, that's the feeling we have on a daily basis. Some days worse than others...but every day, at some point, that is the exact feeling we have. Our doctor and the counselor both, have told us this is all a common form of grief. It will go on for an undetermined amount of time. We were told we need to just "take one day at a time"...but to be brutally honest, most days...One Day At A Time is just 24hrs too much.





15 comments:

Keri Mae said...

I'm so sorry :""(

Ruby's Mom said...

I'm so sorry. You and Carly are in my thoughts often.

Merideth said...

Sometimes when life gets too hard, remember there is no shame in taking life one minute at a time. People can do almost anything for one minute and eventually those minutes add up to make a day. I wish I had real comfort to offer. My heart is with you always. ♥

Kristen's mom said...

Hi Joany,
Our stories are so much the same.
Everything you write is so close to home. I still go to the cemetery every single day. I was wishing we lived closer so we could sit together and watch both our girls favorite Halloween movie
"Halloween Towm"
Kristen also loved it, the first one was her favorite. I was home alone today and it was getting too quiet so I tuned on the Disney chanel. Just hearing Wizards of Waverly Place playing in the backround as I cleaned made me think Kristen was here. Dang, I miss her.

Rochelle said...

I just heard the news about Brad. I am again grieving and praying for your family. We continue to hold you up in prayer. Carly and you are never far from our thoughts.

Kristin said...

Joany,
I just heard the lastest unfathomable news. I am sick to my stomach. I know you must think there can be no God right now, but I am still praying for you. I am so sorry.

Kristin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MamaPoRuski said...

Found your blog today. No answers or platitudes. Just prayers!

JennyH said...

Hey Joany- I am not on blogs all that often anymore but do check out FB. I saw that you lost another sweet child. I am SO sorry Joany. Please know that there are so many people out there praying for you, Paul and Ashleigh.

I will be thinking of you during this awful time.

Carrie S said...

Joany....I am SO very sorry of your losses:( We have a mutual friend on Facebook and that is how I learned of your stories. I am sending many prayers your way. I know that may not seem comforting (I have another friend who lost their daughter a year ago TODAY, ironically enough, and I've seen what she has gone through) and I can only imagine what your heart is feeling <3 I pray that God will will embrace you and your family and guide you through all of this tragedy :(

Michelle said...

I feel like words are so inadequate at this time, but want to say something, rather than nothing at all. I left a comment on FB but was thinking about you this morning ... just wanted to offer my deepest condolences. I am so very sorry your family is experiencing this pain again.

Emily said...

You, Paul, and Ashleigh are in my thoughts today. Know that you are continually lifted up in prayer. If there's ANY way that I, so many miles away, can help you bear your sorrows, please reach out. I wish I could be there with you now.

Finding Normal said...

Hi Joany. You don't know me, although we seem to have several "friends" in common in the blogosphere. I'm so so sorry (those words don't even begin to touch it, I know) about your losses. I don't have anything wise or wonderful to say, just that I'm sorry, and I'll be praying for your family.

Lisa said...

I stopped by because I read that you had another tragedy rip through your family. I'm not writing this to be published publicly (unless you choose to do that)... I hope with all my heart and soul that the information I read is inaccurate. My heart is heavy for you... but is no comparison to what you feel. I just stopped by to say that I am thinking of you. And ready to "listen" when/if you choose to write.

Unknown said...

I ran into your blog a couple of days ago. I have no words, only prayers. I am sorry for your loss.