"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

"The eyes are the mirror of the soul."

~ Yiddish Proverb ~

If you look deep within our eyes, you are certain to see much sorrow and so very much anger. Gone are the eyes that show any signs of happiness. I'm not at all saying that we don't laugh. We do laugh. Once in awhile. We are still human...something funny does make us laugh, but if you know us, and you see us and take the time to actually look into our eyes, you know that our eyes tell a story. A terrible, horrible story.
Last week was a rough week for us. Nov 4th, Brad should have been eating birthday cake and celebrating his 22nd birthday. Instead, Paul and I spent some time visiting him at his grave site. Paul had a rough week at work, he has a, not so sympathetic boss...which only makes this whole living nightmare worse than it already is. I was able to spend a couple of afternoons with a couple of very dear friends, Vivian and Tracy. You'd be surprised how therapeutic it is, to just sit and talk to friends. We talked about Brad, they both watch Brad grow up and they were not uncomfortable at all, talking about him. They both knew him pretty well. Vivian is the friend who called to inform me that our house was on fire. Tracy is the friend who I called frantically telling her to get to my house that horrific night.
Paul has been in such bad shape. Last week, he disappeared..sort of. I knew he was over at our house. He had somethings he was trying to straighten up in our garage. Our garage is detached from the house, so it's fine, no harm from the fire. But, after about 1.5 hrs I started to worry. It was dark..we have no electricity at our home..and Paul wasn't answering his phone. 30 minutes later, I called him again, this being 2hrs of him being at our home. This time, he answered. I knew something was off, just by the tone of his voice. I told him that it was time to get back over to my parents house. He came soon after we talked. When he got here, he informed me that he went into our home. I knew just what he meant. He had actually gone into Brad's room. And he lost his ever loving mind that night. He tore, what was remaining of Brad's room, to pieces. He just completely lost control. Anger took over...and Paul flipped his lid.
This week has already proven to be another hard week. I swear, not one single thing can go right for us. The other day, Paul got up at 4:30am, which is normal for him, and he started for work..except that his work truck started acting up. He ended up bringing it back home and trying to take Ashleigh's car...except that her car wouldn't start. The day just escalated from that point on. He did finally get to work, by driving my dads truck. Once at work, his day went down the drain. And yes, it was Nov., 8th.. the one month anniversary of losing Brad. Talk about the icing on the flipping cake from Hell! I just know, that we have a dark cloud that floats permanently above our heads..following us where ever the heck we go.
We are still dealing with our home owners insurance. Here's a word of advice. And I STRONGLY advise you all, to review your home owners insurance! Don't assume that nothing will ever happen...and then get a big surprise in regards to your insurance, when something does happen. Make sure that you "total coverage" means just in fact, that.
Our insurance adjuster has been awful. In fact, last Friday I called our agent and told her that the adjuster needed to be removed from our claim. He was! It's been awful and it's just one more added stress to our long list of stress factors. As of Monday, we have a new adjuster. Although we haven't' met him yet, I'm hopeful he wont be as difficult and as heartless as the other guy.

I got a letter from Ashleigh today! Again, she asked me to thank all of my online friends for the encouraging cards and letters. She says that she is so sorry, but time is very limited and she just can not possibly return/reply to everyone. But she thanks you, from the bottom of her heart. And she says that your kind words, have helped to carry her through this very difficult time.

Enclosed in my letter, was also a list of things she wants us to bring her. CANDY and POP are at the very top of the list! Kit Kat Bars, Pepsi, Licorice, Sour Patch Kids, etc.... I'm sure she is having some major junk food withdrawals!

One bright note for today---we only have 9 days left until we see Ash again! We'll only be able to spend about 6hrs with her on graduation day, but we'll be able to sit with her at the airport most of Saturday, as she waits for her flight to Mississippi, where she will be attending school for the next 8wks.

**sorry about the appearance of my blog...I can not get my mom's computer to save my settings. Hoping to have a computer of my own, soon.**


Heather said...

My old eyes had to squint but i read every word. every heartbreaking, unfair word.

I cannot wait for you to see your Ashleigh. She will be the best thing for you to get your hands on. 9 days. I will send love and prayers of peace and strength to get you to that day.

Please give Paul my love. I wish I could just hug you both. Having had the privilege of spending time with your both, I know those beautiful eyes of yours and I wish I could do something, anything for you.

Love to you my friends.

Kristen's mom said...

Hi Joany
I am so glad that you were able to spend some time with friends who were actually willing to talk about Brad. I wish I such friends. So sorry about Paul, I can't even imagine how he feels. Know that Carly and Brad are very close to you. I am sure they are both proud of the bravery and courage that you, Paul and Ashleigh are showing. Much love to you all. I wish I could spend an afternoon with you, maybe someday.

Loretta said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't understand why bad things keep happening to good people. Try and hang on to your many wonderful memories...no one can take those away.

Kathy said...

Hi Joany and Paul. I wish I could say something useful here, but just please know that think of you often, and hope for some kind of healing for you and your wonderfully brave daughter.

Posh Totty said...

Continuing to send love and strength your way Xxxx