"Walking thru grief is the epitome of insanity. One moment you feel "normal"; even for days you might feel normal. Then walking by something your loved one gave you, & all of a sudden the sight of it stops you dead in your tracks. Why is that OBJECT here and why are THEY gone? And you wonder; how will you live the rest of your life without them. You read all you can about how to handle grief, you listen to the professionals & still...it's a day by day drudgery of incorporating this unbelievable loss into your very heart, mind & soul. Millions have done it before you & lived and somewhere inside, you know you will too. I guess that is one of the miracles of life that we will never really understand. My heart is breaking this week & I feel like I'm going crazy or maybe a better description is I am really two people. The one I show to the world & the one I can't. A split personality of sorts. It's exhausting & can literally make you sick----body & soul."
By: Grieving Mothers
We don't have much of anything left of Brad's - especially from his room. I did have a clean basket of Brad's clothes that was sitting out, which I told him to put away..thankfully, he didn't listen to me, those are being attempted to clean. If they are able to clean those, I will have a small quilt made.
As I walked thru our home, I spotted a small box made out of paper and hand painted which Brad had made for me on Mother's day, way back when he was in the in 4th grade. Thankfully, it was fine..other than soot all over it. I wouldn't allow the restoration company to even attempt to clean it. I wanted it, soot covered and all. I sure didn't want that company to try and clean it, and accidentally ruin it. I will keep it..as is..forever.
It really knocks the wind out of you when you are told, "we'll be bringing in the dumpsters next week." Knowing that so much of our stuff and nearly all of Brad's stuff will be tossed within those dumpsters and never seen by us again. It's our life,,18yrs worth of our lives. Our things which we built our memories from. We are thankful to still have memories, but as I've said countless times over the past 18 months,,,,memories are often times, just not enough.
Yesterday I went to the cemetery. I cleaned up Brad's grave-the flowers which remained from his funeral. I cleaned up Carly's grave too. And then, I sat down in the grass, between both of my children. The grass where I will one day be laid to rest. Smack dab in between two of my three children. As I sat there, I realized I was continuously shaking my head in disbelief. It's bad enough to have to visit one child at the cemetery, but visiting two...is just, unbearable.
Tomorrow is a very dreaded day for our family. Nov 4th, is Brad's birthday. He should be here with us, having cake and ice cream, celebrating turning 22yrs old. As of now, we are unsure how we will get through that day. Paul has taken tomorrow off of work. Except that we have no idea of what to even do. We will likely be completely lost.
One thing that we are looking very forward to, is seeing Ashleigh in 15days. Ash will be graduation from the Navy and we will be able to spend much of that weekend with her. She is anxious to see us and we, of course can not wait to see her again.
Yesterday, we received a call from Ashleigh. It was so good to hear her voice. She has been talked to by the Chaplain and she said, "all things aside, I'm okay" She did say that her division, has had 3 Red Cross calls. Which, according to the Chaplain, is very, extremely rare. Ash was the first call. And the most recent was a young girl who was told her father has suddenly passed away. Ash says that her division (even tho it's quite large) is very close. They all pull together and help each other through tough times. I'd say she has quite a military "family" and for that, we are thankful.