What's going on -

We've been dealing with quite a bit of crap lately, which sucks more than anyone could imagine. We are missing Ashleigh. We are grieving Carly and we are grieving Brad. Except,,,our grieving seems to have been put on hold. And that worries me.

On a bright note,,,which we have very few of these days....17 days left until we are able to hug Ashleigh (our oldest) again. On Nov., 18th, Ashleigh will be graduating from the Navy. Yes, we are counting down each second of every day. Paul and I, along with my parents will be there to see her graduation ceremony take place.

As far as how Ashleigh is doing, she's doing o.k. As o.k as she can be doing. She is worried about Paul and I. She told me that she thinks of Brad and Carly constantly. And, not knowing what went on that horrific night is making her crazy. She wants to know, as do we. She needs to know, as do we. But the truth is, this is still an open, ongoing investigation. We know very little. What we do know is that our only son died on October 8, 2011. We know the cause of death (some would be surprised), but we do not have explanations as to other things that had gone on within our home on that night. Things I will not share with you. Things I can not share with you. I suppose I could blab what we do know to the whole freaking world, but we were told, by the Michigan State Police, not to reveal to others, certain parts of this investigation and so, we will not.

The gossip, speculation and assumptions are still swirling all about. Which is so disgusting to us. What people "think" happened, is way off base. We aren't sure how such talk gets started..or why. Those who are talking about our son and his horrific death, sicken us. And yes, we do know of several people who are doing such talking. How dare anyone speak so ill of a 21yr old who lost his life in such a horrific manner. Obvious to us, that small town talk stems from people with big mouths who have no lives of their own. Not to mention, all this ignorant talk, hurts our family very deeply. Hurts me, Paul, Ashleigh, my parents and my brothers along with their families. We knew Brad. Those who are talking..did NOT!

Today, we have another restoration crew over at our home. They are removing what is left of any of our furniture, appliances..etc...It's a tough process for me to be involved in. It's very difficult to go into, what remains of our home. Knowing our son lost his life there. It is an indescribable feeling. Seeing the evidence that remains a mystery to the police, is gut wrenching.

This week we will be meeting with our insurance adjuster again. The cost to repair our home is escalating to a crazy amount. Our hopes are to demo what remains of our home. Replacing/rebuilding with a new one.

I don't think anyone can understand how our heads are spinning. How dealing with a fire and homeowners insurance, takes away from the grieving process. We fear that one day, in the future, grief is going to swallow us alive. I've learned, from losing Carly..grief needs to be dealt with head on. Our grieving for Brad, has had to take a back burner. Not saying it doesn't hit us. It does. All of a sudden, with no warning. But, it's not the same. We aren't able to "deal" with the grief right now. Sadly, the homeowners stuff will not wait for us to weed thru our grief. Thankfully, Paul and I have my dad and my brother who have both stepped in to help deal with the insurance end of this nightmare. There is no way Paul and I could deal with it on our own.

As the days continue to pass, I just keep finding myself wondering, how does a family of 5 become a family of 4? And then, just short of 18months, a family of 4 becomes a family of 3. I'm telling you, we are living a god dam nightmare.

Our 3 kids.
Brad, Carly and Ashleigh, Oct., 2008.
Brad and Ash were cracking up..
Carly, not so much. She thought
her "bubba" was going to drop her.
He would never have dropped her!