"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Days Go On & I Don't Want To Forget.

Days Go On:

And they suck, but they go on. And it seems as if my days get harder to get through as the days pass. Everything that I do, I am reminded of how much I miss Carly. People who tell you, "it gets better in time", are flat out liars. There is no getting better in time. Not now, and likely, not ever. Possibly because most people have not had to experience the loss of a child. Just like I have not experienced the loss of a parent or a sibling. If you haven't, 'been there, done that' then you really can NOT even begin to imagine. If you must try to imagine, here's what I suggest you do. Cut one of your limbs off and try to function. Trust me, it's damn near impossible!

As the days go on and I do each task around the house, I think of Carly. I always told everyone that she was the best helper that I ever had. I think her most favorite way to help "mama", was helping with the laundry. She helped with the sorting, placing in the washer, placing in the dryer and her most favorite,,,, pulling them out of the dryer and pushing the basket through the house to the living room, where she helped me fold them. Washcloths were her most favorite.Towels pulled a close second. The way we keep our washcloths is a little different than most people. In our main bathroom, I keep a basket on the sink which contains the washcloths for that bathroom. We fold them in thirds and then roll them up and place them into the basket. Each time we did a load of towels/wash cloths, Carly would run to the bathroom and grab the basket and bring it to the living room. She then went on to conquer all the wash cloths on her own. If I even thought about touching one, she quickly put me in my place, "NO, MAMA!" I thought it was a great way to get some OT skills going, without her even realizing it...and best of all, she LOVED it! Now, it's just not the same. I really miss her and the way she wanted to help with the laundry.

Making dinner isn't the same anymore either. Not to mention the empty spot at our table. Carly sat at the head of the table, go figure! I would have her set the table, she loved that too. She always wanted to help me cook. Sometimes I would let her, but I was leery of the the hot stove/oven. Once in a while I would tell her, "go get your step stool out of the bathroom." Off and running she would go. She would place that step stool next to me and stand there just wide eyed and waiting for her "cooking job". That never lasted long though. She too was scared of the "hot" stove/oven. She'd eventually jump down and insist on me turning on the radio. At that point, she ran and found her microphone and came running back to the kitchen singing at the top of her lungs and dancing all around the kitchen. I have some video's of that, but I haven't been able to watch any of her video's yet. I've tried, but just can't click the play button. Some day, I will share those video's with you all. But not today.

There really is nothing that doesn't remind us of Carly. She was the heart and soul of this entire house. She lit it up. She was our little ray of sunshine on our worse possible days.

I Don't Want To Forget:

I'm going to start writing in a journal. For the simple reason, I DO NOT want to forget ANYTHING that Carly said or did. Be it silly or naughty, such as flipping the bird. Although, I don't think I will ever forget the fact that my soon to be 24 year old taught my baby girl how to flip the bird. The odd thing was, Carly knew just when to use that naughty little finger. She always used it appropriately....well, you know what I mean.... I know it's not appropriate to even use it, but I think you know what I mean.

Just the other day, Paul was walking through the house with his shirt off. I found myself pulling one of Carly's famous little stunts. I stuck my finger straight into his bellybutton. Just the way Carly always did. She had a thing for bellybuttons. Believe me, her thing for bellybuttons was NOT pleasant. She would stick her finger so far in, that you would swear she stuck it all the way through to your backbone! Paul almost cried. Not sure if it was from the pain of my finger in his bellybutton, or because it was Carly's thing. Sadly, he had forgotten about Carly and her bellybutton poking until that very moment. The fact that he had forgotten made us both sad. We do not want to forget anything about her. Soooo,,,I bought a journal and I plan on getting busy and writing in it. You never know how easy it is to forget the small things until your mind is a jumbled up mess. And I Don't Want To Forget anything!


The VW's said...

I can't even imagine having to go on after the death of a child! I can see why everything would remind you of Carly.....even laundry....I love that you shared how she helped you fold the washcloths.....adorable and so sweet! I'm sure that each day is very difficult for you and your family and nothing really helps to ease this pain.....but I'm sending out Prayers and Big Hugs!

Kathy said...

Your posts always hurt to read, Joany, but I read them, and my eyes tear up and I think about PJ, and you are right, I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'm here, reading your pain, and standing beside you in my mind, and wishing I could find the right words and I can't. I'm here. It's all I can do. It's not enough, but it's what I've got. I will be here, and I will read your posts, and I will cry a little with you.

Cindy said...

I love the journal idea. It'll be great to go back and read all those fun memories about your sweet Carly.

Cathy said...

The journal is a fabulous idea.

Lacey said...

I think a journal is a great idea. We were just talking about the saying "it gets easier with time" That is the worst line ever to say to a grieving family. Because it just is a plain lie!

Kristen said...

When I was in high school I dated a wonderful guy for 2 years. We went to the same high school together, in the same graduating class. He was in a car accident one day that took his life. I became very close to his mother during our grieving time of adjusting to life without Derek. I saw a bit of what she went through and it reminds me a lot of what you describe, how every turn and corner of your house holds a story, a memory of your Carly.

I think the journal sounds like a sweet idea. Fear of forgetting makes the pain even worse.


Tina said...

A journal is a great idea, I am sure you want to remember every little thing that carly did, I think having this blog is great beacuse there is already so much in it that you've written. See if you can get it printed out like a book, it will be a great journal.

Joany anyone who hasnt gone through what you have can never really truely understand what you are going through. I feel for you all the time and pray that God helps you find your way through this very painful time, but we can't tell you it's going to get better, we can only hope and pray that it does get easier to live somehow someday.

Heather said...

I am sure with everyone else ... super idea on the journal.

My heart literally aches when I read your posts.But i smile also as you recall the funny and charming,yes even flipping the bird,that Carly did.

Thanks you for sharing your heart with us Joany.Can't be easy but maybe,just maybe,it helps.

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