"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Thursday, December 30, 2010

All it takes

...to get the tears rolling. It isn't much, I promise you that.

Anything can get our tears rolling these days. Just yesterday Paul and I sat watching All in the Family on TVLand when good old Archie Bunker gave his little niece an Eskimo kiss. That's all it took. A clip of a TV show that's over 30yrs old, and Paul's tears were rolling. Carly and Paul quite often gave Eskimo kisses to each other. Carly got such a kick out of that. It's hard to believe that the clip of a TV show is all it takes.

Yesterday afternoon, I had to do a couple of errands. I walked into one of our local stores, got my cart and then I heard it. It, being a song that came on over the PA system. The song was "The Climb," by Miley Cyrus. It was one of Carly's favorite songs and was the last song that was played at her funeral. I held it together, only because so many people were in that store. I didn't want to make a scene. I didn't want people to see some nut job lady crying her eyes out. I got what I needed and headed to my car. Once in my car and lost it. That's all it takes, a song on the radio.

Monday night, Paul walked in the house with the mail. He looked a mess and I could tell he had been crying. He placed the mail on the washing machine and just stood in the doorway looking at me. I picked up the mail and saw a check. I couldn't find any explanation as to why we had this check. I sorted and sorted through the rest of the mail. My fingers were fumbling and mail was falling on the floor. I was getting riled up. And Paul stood watching. I remember asking, "what's this check for?" "why did we get this?" "who's this from?" and he just stood there, saying nothing. At that point, Ashleigh was standing next to me. I was getting overly excited over this check, and I don't mean in a good way. I saw that the check was from our health insurance company. But my head was a mess. And then, I picked up a letter. A letter that had been enclosed with the check. It was Carly's death benefit. The reality of the letter took my breath away. And I lost it. The tears came pouring out, along with hyperventilating. I knew this check was coming. I knew eventually we would open that check. But, all it takes, is the reality of this nightmare slapping us in the face. The reality printed out in black and white.

Finding a special toy. Finding a sock. Seeing a favorite book. Flipping through the channels on the TV. Hearing a song on the radio. Walking through the Mall, past the Gymboree store and past the kiddie rides. Seeing a little girl about Carly's size. Etc,,,Etc,,,Etc,,, is all it takes.

**I'm working on a couple of posts from our first miserable Christmas eve and Christmas day without our little girl. Just finding it a bit harder to write about than I though.**

22 comments:

Tracy C. said...

Thank you so much for posting this. I know it is hard to have these feelings, much less write about them, but it can be a good way as you work through your grief. I found myself crying for you (and praying) the other day, and I never met Carly. She was good for all of us, in many, many ways. We will keep praying for all of you.

The VW's said...

I'm sure that there are no words to help you.....but know that I think of you and Carly almost every time I want to escape from one of my boys.....and I pray for you when I think about you and how you must be feeling every second of the day.....you and Carly have taught us all so much! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

Suzie said...

I'm sorry. Losing a loved one stinks! It has been 5 years since my sister died, my mother is coping better but will never be the same. I worry that I will bring up sadness for her or my dad if I talk about my sister but we have slowly accepted she is gone and we cherish her memories and remember both good and bad about her. We laugh out loud. We don't talk to much about the days (years) she was sick but we honor her. Every year I give my mom and sister a letter 'A' ornament on Christmas (Angie). It is one way I have found to honor her. You will find your way. You need to for your other kids. For now with all those firsts without Carly you will hurt and be angry.
I wish you peace and time to heal.

mccunesgirl said...

I just finished reading this and I started crying at the beginning. I cried for you all. I cant even begin to know how you feel. I know it has to hurt all the time. I want to thank you for allowing us to help you grieve. I wish I could take some of the pain away and leave all the memories.

Cathy said...

Oh Joany, no words...just tears for you and your family.

Lacey said...

I cry along with you. I'm so glad that you keep blogging, keep talking. So we all know you are here and just how you are feeling. I'm not sure if Jax picture is on the quilt. I emailed it to her, but never got a response. It really is beautiful!

Kristen said...

My eyes and my heart weep with you. It's a terrible feeling...no, it's more than terrible...it's the worse feeling for a parents' heart, trying to learn to live without their child. We continue to wrap in you in all our thoughts, love and prayers!

Tina said...

This time of year is so hard....

So sorry that your pain is still so raw. I always smile when I see pictures of Carly on your blog...she was like a ray of sunshine!

Hugs

JEllen said...

We are with you and Paul in the spirit of support Joany. I truly can't imagine your pain but I surely read in your words your broken heart. Hugs to you all.

Googsmom said...

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Tina said...

I hate that you are having to go through this, life is just so unfair and it just doesn't make sense at times. My heart continues to ache for you. We are always hear to support you and always know you can pour your heart out to all of us here. Carly will always be in our hearts.

Kristen said...

I heard today is Carly's birthday. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. *hugs*

my family said...

thinking of you and your family on this day I pray for you to have strength throughout today and many many days, months and years to come. We will remember beautiful Carly,especially on this special day of hers {{hugs}}

Patti said...

I just wanted you to know my family and I are thinking of you today and praying hard for you. Carly was so beautiful, and I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't bear to think of the pain you must be going through, it breaks my heart coming here to read:( I wish I had the perfect words... but I really don't think I would want to hear the "perfect words" if I lost my Lily- or any one my children. I am praying for you, sweet mommy.

rylie's mom said...

Coming over from Sarah and Joyce's blog. They have such sweet pictures of Carly posted...they just made me smile. Happy Birthday Carly.

Rochelle said...

Wanted you to know we are praying for you and sending you lots of hugs today on Carly's birthday.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to send a Happy Birthday to your sweet little angel in heaven. Happy Birthday, Carly! You have touched so many people while on earth and in heaven.

csmith said...

I never met your Carly and I don't know your family but you have all touched me in a special way. I found myself thinking of you on Christmas, how hard that must have been for you. I am reminded to be grateful for my children's presence here now and for every day that I have been given with them. It is horribly unfair that Carly is not with you but I know that every day you had with her must have been an incredible gift. Prayers and love, the Smiths.

Emily said...

I love seeing pictures of Carly's happy face, and I'm so sorry that she isn't with you today. I wish I could help you bear the burden of her loss. Love each other. Encourage each other.

stephanie said...

Sarah wrote a sweet post, wishing Carly a Happy Birthday. Just want to let you know you are in our thoughts and prayers. I don't know if that makes you feel any better or not. I mean when you are hurting so much do those words matter? i hope in some way they do.

Carrie said...

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you today and praying for you to feel peace in your heart. Happy Birthday to Carly--I'm sure she is partying in heaven.

JennyH said...

I have thought about you all day. Hoping you did OK today. I'm sure it is more painful than I can ever imagine. Hugs.