All it takes

...to get the tears rolling. It isn't much, I promise you that.

Anything can get our tears rolling these days. Just yesterday Paul and I sat watching All in the Family on TVLand when good old Archie Bunker gave his little niece an Eskimo kiss. That's all it took. A clip of a TV show that's over 30yrs old, and Paul's tears were rolling. Carly and Paul quite often gave Eskimo kisses to each other. Carly got such a kick out of that. It's hard to believe that the clip of a TV show is all it takes.

Yesterday afternoon, I had to do a couple of errands. I walked into one of our local stores, got my cart and then I heard it. It, being a song that came on over the PA system. The song was "The Climb," by Miley Cyrus. It was one of Carly's favorite songs and was the last song that was played at her funeral. I held it together, only because so many people were in that store. I didn't want to make a scene. I didn't want people to see some nut job lady crying her eyes out. I got what I needed and headed to my car. Once in my car and lost it. That's all it takes, a song on the radio.

Monday night, Paul walked in the house with the mail. He looked a mess and I could tell he had been crying. He placed the mail on the washing machine and just stood in the doorway looking at me. I picked up the mail and saw a check. I couldn't find any explanation as to why we had this check. I sorted and sorted through the rest of the mail. My fingers were fumbling and mail was falling on the floor. I was getting riled up. And Paul stood watching. I remember asking, "what's this check for?" "why did we get this?" "who's this from?" and he just stood there, saying nothing. At that point, Ashleigh was standing next to me. I was getting overly excited over this check, and I don't mean in a good way. I saw that the check was from our health insurance company. But my head was a mess. And then, I picked up a letter. A letter that had been enclosed with the check. It was Carly's death benefit. The reality of the letter took my breath away. And I lost it. The tears came pouring out, along with hyperventilating. I knew this check was coming. I knew eventually we would open that check. But, all it takes, is the reality of this nightmare slapping us in the face. The reality printed out in black and white.

Finding a special toy. Finding a sock. Seeing a favorite book. Flipping through the channels on the TV. Hearing a song on the radio. Walking through the Mall, past the Gymboree store and past the kiddie rides. Seeing a little girl about Carly's size. Etc,,,Etc,,,Etc,,, is all it takes.

**I'm working on a couple of posts from our first miserable Christmas eve and Christmas day without our little girl. Just finding it a bit harder to write about than I though.**