Anticipation ...

...of Spring, is an emotion that most people embrace. As for me and my family, not so much. Not this Spring. In fact, I think we all dread Spring this year. It makes us sad. It fills us with anxiety. And it makes us angry. Angry because this is yet another season without Carly. Spring is often thought of, as a great season. The season that we say goodbye to winter and the long miserable snowy, cold weather. The start of what is soon to become hot, sunny, swimming, golfing, boating and beach time summer fun. Most look so forward to this time of year. As for me and my family, we could skip it all together.

Today has been a nice sunny day. Well, not really a nice day, I don't have a whole lot of those, but it has been a sunny day. As I walked to the mailbox this afternoon, I had Carly on my mind. Truth be told, she is ALWAYS on my mind. I was thinking that the bus would soon be driving past the house, and then a stabbing piercing pain shot through me. That bus should be stopping and dropping my sweet girl off to me. I'd be standing at the door of the bus, and Carly would JUMP from the top step, into my open arms. Every. Single. Day. Oh how I miss my sweet, sweet baby girl.

As Spring approaches, I feel nothing more than an ever growing pit in my stomach. A fear of the dreaded 1 year anniversary of Carly's passing. Just typing that took my breath away. I'm not looking forward to Spring. In fact, I dread it so bad. I would just as soon slip back to bed every day and pull the covers over my head until Spring has long passed.

I find myself thinking back to what we were doing this time last year. Memories is all I have now. So I do a lot of thinking back and remembering. Just the other day, I was going through some of the pictures on my computer and sadly I came across a folder in my pic., file titled, "Spring Fun 2010" not many pic's ended up in that folder :*(

If Carly were still here today, I know what we'd be doing right at this very minute. We'd be outside playing. After Carly would have jumped from the bus, into my open arms, she would have jumped out of them just as quickly...and made a bee line to the swing set, where we would swing and swing and swing and swing. Finally, around 4:30 or 5, I'd be practically dragging (actually, I would be dragging) her into the house so I could start dinner. What I wouldn't give to have to drag her from her swing set to start dinner today.

As we continue to try and find our way through our grief, we find it more difficult. And of course, the anticipation of Spring arriving is about to do us all in. Any other year, we welcomed Spring time with open arms. We couldn't wait for the sunny days and playing outside. We did as other families with little kids do, we played outside. We enjoyed the days. And now, we having nothing.

Our life is forever changed. Never to be as it was before. We are not the same people. We have all changed, on the inside. Of course, we still look like the same people, but I'm betting that if you were to look deep into our eyes, you'd see, we are changed..heart broken, lost, sad. The eyes can tell a story - or so they say! There are many more sad times than there are happy times, which is a big reversal for us.

I've read so many books about grief and the process of grieving, written by the "experts". I've also read real life experiences of other bereaved parents. I've been to, one on one counseling and group counseling. I've been to a grief conference...and you know what I have learned?? I have learned that the second year is much harder on the parents than the first year. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that. How much worse can the second year possibly be from the first year?? The anticipation of the second year is scaring the crap out of me. And it's coming at us just a bit to fast for my liking.

The "experts" say, that the reason the second year is worse, is due to the fact that the numbness is wearing off and the reality, of the finality hits. And most often, it hits hard. Very hard. We're about to find out, as there is no way around grief.

Paul and I were talking after dinner the other night. He was having such a bad day. It was another sunny day and of course his co-workers were happy go lucky, and anxious to get home and grill out or work out in their yards. For Paul, it was the reality of Spring time without Carly. And he was miserable. We talked for a while, after dinner. The only thing I could tell him about how he's feeling and how I'm feeling, was this; "We can't get around this, we will never get over this, but somehow we have to find a way to get through this."

As I'm about to click the "publish post" button, our sunny day has now turned somewhat cloudy. It's a little gloomy outside now and fits my mood more so than the sunshine..