"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

April sure seems to be coming at us in full force. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that the one year anniversary of losing Carly is vastly approaching. I don't want April to get here. And all I want to do, is throw the brakes on, like they do in old cartoons - like the Flintstones. Remember when they were driving their little cars, and their legs went around and around in circles while going so fast...and then, feet down, flat on the ground, skidding to a stop? Some of you are probably to young to have ever watched the Flintstones! But it's a great description of how I feel our lives have been going for the past 11+ months. Everything seems to have been going past so quickly. Now we face April. Head on. Face it. What else are we suppose to do? Well, I'd like to crawly under a rock.

We haven't decided yet, just how we are going to spend that gut wrenching day of April 23. Maybe do another balloon launch at Carly's grave site. Just not sure. And quite honestly, who wants to "plan" what you're going to do to honor your 8 year old who was taken away from her loving family? But in all honesty, we haven't even talked about. Maybe we think, don't talk about it..it wont happen.. I really don't know just what we think.

You wouldn't believe the things that go through your head at a time like this. The should have could have, the whys and why not. Why my kid, why not someone else. I know that sounds nasty and harsh, but I'm serious. Why not someone else?? Someone who was sick. Someone who was mean and hateful. Why my sweet little 8 year old? Of course, saying that to Ashleigh, who has the heart the size of Texas...always has this come back for us, "well, because God doesn't want evil and mean people in Heaven." I try to convince myself of that, I really do...but until you've been there - done that, you can't realize how hard it is to convince yourself of that statement of Ashleigh's being true.

Then, we come back to the whole God thing. Still pretty uncertain there is a God out there. As I've said numerous times before, "there was no God in the ER on April 23" Trust me on that one! If...and that's a BIG IF.. HE, does exist, HE left our girl just when she needed HIM most. And why did HE not show us any signs of trouble looming? A sudden dropping dead on your living room floor is not the way signs of trouble should be... WARNING signs are what I'm talking about.

The only time we may have seen a shred of help from, HIM on that horrific day..was while Paul was working on Carly in our living room. But even then we question, was that God who brought Carly back?? Or was that a daddy who was working vigorously on his baby girl? Screaming at her, in between breathing into her mouth..."stay with me Carly, stay with daddy." I think, and I know many of you will majorly disagree with me on this, but I think, it was a dedicated, loving daddy who worked that miracle and brought his baby back. A daddy who only had basic CPR training. A daddy who wasn't ready, willing or able to give up on his baby girl. A baby girl who had beat the odds time and time again. As I have said many times over the course of the past year, "there was no God that day...if HE was around...the only thing HE did was sit on his @$$ while our daughter died right before our eyes." Yep, I've said that a hundred times. And until you've been there and witnessed something of this magnitude, you will never understand my take on that day back in April.

Okay,,enough about God and me/us with all our questions/doubts of there even being a God. And before you all go freaking out on me. For the umpteenth time, I know what the Bible says. I had a grandfather who was a preacher. I know full well what we are "suppose" to believe. But trust me, if it were you, 11+ months later, you'd be doubtful too. Okay, maybe not all of you...but a great deal of you would be.

Another day that is approaching us rather quickly, is Easter. I think...we're going to skip the whole traditional Easter thing this year.

The following are pictures from last Easter. Did you catch that?? LAST EASTER! You can't imagine how hard it is for me to type, "last" anything when it comes to Carly? Probably not.

Carly had so much fun with her Easter basket, going to, papa and grandmas house. Having Easter dinner with my family. Who would have thought that only two measly weeks after these pic's were taken, that we'd be holding our baby in our arms for the very last time? I sure never dreamed it.

All her goodies!
I'm sad looking at the above picture. I just realized, she never got to use that bucket :(

She just had to try and fit handfuls of candy into those tiny little hands of hers.

Kind of blurry pic below...but she's searching for Easter candy and it's precious no matter the quality!

Fitting in some lovin' time with her "Paul"

The following picture rips my heart out.
Carly was so excited to wear this Easter dress.
She picked it out all on her own.
Actually, we gave her a couple of different choices.
I wanted her to pick a really cute little pink dress.
BUT....Carly, said, "NO!" "RED!"
Therefore, Carly had a "Red" Easter dress!

We buried our sweet baby in this dress.

Oh my gosh,,
I miss my sweet little girl so much.


Unknown said...

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickenson

My hope for you is peace. However you get there, whatever you think, I pray daily for your peace. Keep journaling here...it's helping others as well as it being introspective.

Believe in the fact that our love for you and paul spans the miles...know that all of you are here in our hearts.

we love you.

Lacey said...

That picture is one of my favorites of Carly! So proud that she picked out that beautiful dress!
Praying extra hard as the dreaded day approaches. I hated God for a long time after watching my grandma suffer. I can't even imagine it through your eyes that day. Gutwrenching!

Kristen said...

And what a lovely dress it is. I like Carly's taste in fashion.

I don't think you need to defend or feel guilty for your anger towards God. It's no problem. He can handle it. You're not shut out for it and certainly I do not think differently of you because of it. There's nothing in life that compares to this kind of hurt that you know.

Always thinking of you.

Stephanie said...

I'm glad you let her get the red dress..

Anonymous said...

I never have the popular opinion... but as far as I'm concerned you have EVERY right to be angry at "God.." To question whether or not there is a "God."

When someone says "Our prayers were answered... God saved our child..."

My thought always is.... "So what... that child is better than this one? That child's parents prayed harder? Or had more people to pray for them?"

You have every right to be angry.

I am angry FOR you and I don't know any of you. I just have a little girl exactly the same age as Carly... who picked out a blue Easter dress.

Cindy said...

That pic of Carly in the red dress was my favorite. I still pray for you and your family. And yes, God is tough enough to take your anger. I believe with all my heart he was there to escort her straight up to Heaven. HUGS to you.

Merideth said...

My name is Merideth. I am a stranger to you since I randomly found your blog. I went back and read from the beginning. I celebrated Carly with you, I got angry with you when you were angry, and finally my heart breaks with you and I have cried my eyes out reading over the past year. Unfortunately it doesn't matter really what I say, I want to offer some measure of comfort, I want to offer support, I want to take this pain away from you. But I can't
:-( What I will say is I am grateful to you for opening your lives and heart and sharing Carly with the world. And please know that although I cannot release you from your pain, that Carly will live on in my heart. I send you love and hugs, since that is all I can do. ♥

Anonymous said...

I check in here every once in a while. My heart truly does break for you. My sweet, baby girl has Down syndrome. She was born on April 27, but we are having her first birthday party on April 23. You'll be in my thoughts that day. I do wish/hope/pray that you would really reconsider your thoughts on God. It is not fair what happened. Your daughter should not have been taken from you like that. It truly is heart breaking. But, I do not think that God is punishing or with-holding from us. There are some things that are just meant to be written in the story of our lives. Unfortunately, this was the path for your sweet, angel and your family. But I know that God is there. He can give comfort, but we have to accept it. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is certainly every parents worst fear. I hope you can somehow find peace.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered that God saved your baby girl from worse things in her life? I realize that you think you could provide what's best for Carly..but it's it selfish to think she would be better with you?? Every time you mention Carly's death you mention that you need her, or God needs her. I don't think either is as true as perhaps she needs where she is now. In heaven, no one will judge her, and she's complete. She's perfect..although I think she always was. And she's pain free. Would it have been better for her to die slowly..to suffer for months before finally succumbing to illness?