"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Monday, April 4, 2011

What am I suppose to do...

As we approach the 1 year anniversary of Carly's death. FYI: as I typed that sentence, my stomach dropped. I still can't believe it. Don't understand it. Hate it. I MISS her. Long for her scent, her touch, her smile, her giggle. My heart continues to break. Every. Single. Day.

I'm left with this constant question:

What am I suppose to do?

We are all on edge in this house. Any simple, stupid, dumb remark, or action - can set any of us off. We are ticking time bombs. Scary. Not the norm for our family. All due to the fact that we lost the littlest love of our lives. All because God (if he's even in existence) thought he needed our little girl more than we do...well folks, I STRONGLY disagree with HIM. Our family needs her. I need her. WAAYYY more than God could possibly need my little girl! I need her. If anyone thinks, God is where she belongs,,,you obviously haven't buried your child. Lucky you.

What am I suppose to do?

As I look around my house, I see parts of Carly in every single room. Carly's book shelf is in Ashleigh's room (for the time being). Her Fisher Price Doll House sits in it's rightful spot, in our living room. Her toy shelves and bins full of her toys are still in my living room too.

What am I suppose to do?

Do I keep everything forever? If so, is that weird or morbid? How the HELL do I know? I'm not suppose to have to be thinking about things such as, what to do with my little girls toys. She is suppose to be here. She's suppose to be playing with all of her toys and enjoying her life.

Then I glance outside, in the back yard. I see her swing set. The swing set that Carly loved with her whole heart. And my heart breaks. I see her Turtle Sand Box, where she and I spent hours upon hours. I see her Jungle Gym where she climbed and climbed and climbed some more. Like the little monkey she was. Oh how I long to see her climbing all over that thing again. But that is not to be. Ever again. Looking beyond those outside toys, sits her miniature size yard swing, along with her Playhouse, her Cozy Couple, her Little Tikes Cozy Truck, her wagon, her sand toys, her yard chairs. Walk into the garage and you'll find, her basketball hoop, rakes, shovels, buckets, her outside boom box, her tiny little pink bike with training wheels. She is EVERYWHERE in this house, yet she is nowhere to be found. And that's the problem, she isn't here anymore. Just the material things exist now.

What am I suppose to do?

Just what exactly does a mother do with those treasured toys of her 8 year old daughter, who was taken way, way to soon? I have no idea. Do I leave everything as is? Do I give her stuff away...I cringe at that thought. Call me selfish, I could care less! Do I place things in storage? How do I part with any of her toys? Is it healthy for my family to continue to "see" all these treasured Carly possessions? Would we be even more devastated to pack it all up and get everything out of sight? I don't have any idea. Maybe it would be easier for my family not to have all of Carly's things around our home. But I have no idea. I want to hold on to the bitter end. Hold on to every single item of Carly's. Is that fair to my family? I just have no idea.

What am I suppose to do?

I don't think that I'm suppose to know what to do. Mom's aren't suppose to bury their children. That's not the way life is suppose to play out. Our kids are suppose to out live us.

So can you tell me please....

What am I suppose to do?


**WARNING** Picture overload ~






















14 comments:

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

what beautiful beautiful pictures! i wish i had an answer for you - what an awful, beyond difficult question - what am i supposed to do? you should not have to even ask this question! thinking of you!!!!!!!

Kristen's mom said...

I LOVE the pictures! So many that I haven't seen. I don't know what you are supposed to do, when you figure it out, then maybe you can tell me. Kristen's room is still in tact, clothes in drawers and hanging in the closet. Kristen had a corner in the family room. This is where she spent most of her time. She had a desk that was covered with her stuff and her television. I did pack all that stuff up and I put a table there in it's place. I call it her table. I decorate it for the holidays. It is covered with her pictures. I also change the pictures often. It aslo has a lamp on it. Every morning I turn on the lamp and it just makes me feel better. Know that I think about you every single day.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Your Carly is a beautiful child. We lost our Lauren a little less than 2 months ago. She was 11. It comforts me to know that Lauren is in Heaven and that she has been made perfect. We miss Lauren every moment of everyday, but we want what is best for her, even if it's not us. Lauren was our middle child (all girls) and both of her sisters best friend. God gave His only son and said that if we believed in HIM that we would live forever with him in Heaven when we die. (John 3:16) That means that we will see Lauren again. I believe firmly that your Carly is in Heaven right now with my Lauren and if you believe in Jesus as your savior, you will see Carly again. And we will all be made perfect. Yes, living without them is very hard, but it is a blink of the eye compared to eternity. I am praying for you and your family. We have suffered a loss that no one should have to suffer, but if you believe in HIM, you can take comfort in knowing that you will see your precious girl again. With love and prayers...

Amy Flege said...

Joany, I have no answer for you. If I was in you shoes, I dont know what I would do either!!!!! You will know what is best somehow!!
Thanks for sharing pictures of your beautiful girl!

e said...

Have you on my mind constantly as you survive this milestone.

If and when you choose to part with some of these things...It will be because you want to...because some little girl with down syndrome NEEDED something, and you know you will be able to share Carly's love with someone.

Wait for it, it will happen.


Until then, know that you are being loved from all over the country...

e & molly kate
(whom now i CAN'T kick out of my bed. :-))

stephanie said...

I don't know Joanie...I wish there was a magic answer for you.
I don't want you to hurt but I don't know how to stop your pain. all I can do is pray... it's what I do.

My name is Sarah said...

Joany this is Joyce. So many unanswered questions. Of course none of us have the answers. Wish we did, not that it would make it any easier though. The pictures you posted today show such a happy girl, so full of life, with so many fun experiences. I especially love the one with the purple bucket on her head. I can't even begin to understand how much you miss her. Please just know that we think of you and Paul and your family often.

Aimee said...

I have no idea. I think you are supposed to do what feels right to you and your family. And in a situation as crushing as losing your baby girl, I don't think anything can be considered weird. It is unnatural and out of order to lose a child, so there is no normal reaction...only your reaction. Hoping and praying for peace and comfort to you and your family.

Groves said...

I am so sorry and so sad. You are right: NO ONE can give some easy answer to how you are supposed to go forward without Carly in your arms. I still can't believe it, either. I look at her pictures and think, NO. NO - she can't be gone!

Horrors no parent should ever, ever have to face.

Missing her with you,

Cathy in Missouri

Becca said...

Oh, I LOVED each. and. every. one. of. those. pictures. Beautiful, sweet, sweet girl. I wish I had answers for you. Thinking of you often...

Jill said...

I went through that question of what to do with my sons things when he died-- I don't know what the right answer is; it's funny how some insignificant thing can become so prized when the owner is no longer with us. I delayed doing anything until the choice was taken away from me in the form of a house flood; we then ended up boxing Clint's things up to pull all the carpet and fix our home... I have things out in the house now that are the true treasures of Clint's but I still haven't finished/started going through his thing--- that seem so final. I am hopeful that some of the things will go to his siblings and their future children as I so want to keep Clint's memory alive and not have it die with this generation. I came to realize that the flood was somewhat of a blessing because it did give me the kick in the pants that I needed to box Clint's things and that it was probably better for his brother that shared his room to have these reminders not facing him at every turn. I'm sorry that you have to go through this; I wish there was a right answer to what to do but I think anyone that has gone through this finds that you do what you can. It's been three and a half years since my son died and it took me almost two years before I was even able to go through his things and it might have taken longer without the flood. My prayers are with your family as you struggle to make your life while Carly waits for you in heaven.

Amy L said...

Joany, thank you for sharing pictures of your sweet Carly. I so wish I could have met her, such a happy little girl.:) I'm praying for you everyday and my heart aches for you so much....
Amy

Merideth said...

Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures of Carly. Once again, words seem so inadequate because I can't take away your pain :-( Just know that you and your family are being thought of all the time. Biggest hugs to you all. ♥

Merideth

Anonymous said...

I only know you from reading your blog. However, I heard the song "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson and immediately thought of you. Please listen to it.
Kim