"Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them."
BJKarrer

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Clothesline.

Today, as I hung a load of laundry
outside on the clothesline, I cried.
I cried because of the sudden rush of
memories that flooded over me.
Memories that included Carly.

Carly helped me with nearly every
load of laundry, each Spring,Summer & Fall.
I wish I had a picture of her.
She took such pride with the tedious job of,
laundry.

As she would reach into the clothes basket
and pull out an article of clothing,
she would identify just whose clothing it was.
She'd pull out a shirt and say, "Paul".
A pair a jeans and say, "sissy" etc....
She did this with the entire basket.

When I would go outside
to take the clothing off the line,
she would be there to take the
clothespins from me and place them
back into their container.

As I stood at the clothesline today,
I just couldn't stop the tears.
They fell freely.
Lots of them.
I had to go sit down
and do some deep breathing.
The pain was so intense.
I really hadn't expected it.
It hit me out of nowhere.
Never saw it coming.
Out of nowhere, the tears came.
Odd don't you think?
Especially when all you are doing
is hanging clothes out to dry.

But last year. Well...
I was so numb last year.
It was almost a robotic action
when I'd hang the clothes out to dry.
Or anything I did.
Although I hadn't realized it back then.
But today, I see it clearly.
I was walking through
a fog. A terrible foggy mist.
I only went through the motions of each task;
such as hanging the laundry out to dry.

As for now.
The 'here and now'
That foggy mist is lifting.
And the bitter reality of LIFE,
has again, slapped me senseless.
And it sucks!

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4 comments:

Cathy said...

I don't have any words that will comfort you...Lord, how I wish I did. I pray for you so often, Joany. I pray that those memories will someday make you smile instead of bring you pain. (((HUGS)))

stephanie said...

Joanie, your words are so intense you make your pain so vivid, I can feel it in my heart. No!! Not like you can, but I can feel it.

I wish there was something in this world to ease your pain.

The Hapa Girl said...

I agree with Cathy, I truly hope these memories will make you smile one day soon. I think of you and Carly often and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

JennyH said...

I'm sure most of us would have done the same thing. Everything would remind me of my child if he/she wasn't here. I wish the pain was easier for you.

I love those pictures below. They are all so cute. Looks like Paul was having a blast!