My brain will not shut off at night. When I lay down, the only thing that runs through my head, is Carly. Morning, noon and night she is on my mind. In fact, I told Paul just the other day that I was going to have to get to the doctor. I feel myself wearing down. Literally, dragging. My head feels like it weighs a ton. My arms and legs are weak. And the biggest issue at hand, my brain just will NOT shut off. I've even upped my Xanax at night. Which I don't like to do because I depend on my Xanax to get me through my anxiety attacks. My fear is, they will stop working for anxiety issues if I'm taking so many to get me to relax in order to sleep at night. Although, some nights, not even Xanax can help me to fall asleep.
Another problem that I'm having.....DREAMING. I'm dreaming a lot about our girl. They aren't good dreams either. They are very disturbing. The night before last, my dream woke me and I have not been able to shake it from my mind. We were inpatient, well, Carly was. She had had heart surgery, again. The doctors told us they were done working with her. She was on her own. I begged and pleaded. Screaming and crying for them to save her. This dream was so very real to me. Much like that horrifying day on April 23.
Other dreams have been even worse..well, not really sure that any dreams are good dreams, when you dream of the death of your child. But one dream really was a bad one. I dreamt that an acquaintance from high school, kidnapped Carly. And she killed her. In a very brutal way. Which I'm not even going to get into. And why I would I dream that an acquaintance from high school kidnapped Carly? I can't for the life of me figure that out.
Sometimes, my dreams have been more like we've lost Carly. As in, a missing child type dream. I dream quite often that I put her on the school bus in the morning. Watch it drive away, while she waves her little hand and blows me kisses...just like she did every morning...but then, she never comes home. The school has no idea where she is. The bus driver claims he/she never saw her. I can't get anyone to listen to me, that my child is missing. It's a very frantic dream. And I would bet, I dream that dream a few times a week.
Last week, I had a completely different dream. I dreamt that I could see Carly walking ahead of me. I kept calling out her name, but she never turned around. She never acknowledged me. She just kept walking further and further away. And no matter how fast I walked, I could not catch up to her. And then, she just disappeared.
I just wish, one night, I could dream a happy dream about Carly. Carly was such a happy go lucky little girl. Such a lover of life. I'm very envious of my cousin Cyndi, who told me that she had a wonderful dream of Carly. A dream that Carly was swinging (which she LOVED to do) and laughing. A very nice dream. Just once, I'd like to dream something nice about our girl.
My counselor has pointed out the obvious to me. She says that the reason I'm dreaming such horrible dreams about Carly is because of the way we lost her. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. Out of the clear blue. And, with no answers as to why. Well, no answers to some of our questions. Like, why the EMT's couldn't do more to save her? Why the ER doc's couldn't do more to save her? Why the EMT's couldn't get Carly to The University of Michigan? Where we all know her odds would have been much better for survival. And, according to the counselor, the dreams come out of shock. The shock that I'm still in. Yes, I'm still in shock over Carly's death. The big question is,,,when will these awful dreams stop? I would bet, they will not. Not for quite some time.
We finally turned American Idol on the other night. We haven't had the desire to watch it this season. It was one of Carly's favorite shows. Oh how she loved it. She would shush us when the singers would come on. She was all ears listening to each and every singer. And holy cow, if someone were talking...well, you just better not have been!
Our days seem to get harder and harder for us. Nothing is easy. Nothing is fun. Life is just upside down now. Do you know that food doesn't even taste good anymore? With the amount of food that I do not eat...you'd think I'd be pencil thin. Even laughter makes us feel guilty. We don't laugh all that much, but when we do,, we feel guilt.
Some people believe we should hand ourselves over to God. Well, sorry..that isn't going to happen. I'm just so very angry with God right now. I even question whether or not there even is a God. 'Cuz I'm telling you what, God sat on his ass on April 23, 2010 and did not one single thing for Carly. The way she lost her life was traumatic on her little body. The bruises on her lifeless body said it all. She was put through the wringer that day. And for crying out loud, was our girl not put through quite enough in her 8 short years of life? I think so. Could He not..if HE..even does exist, have spared her this type of death and taken her peacefully? I mean seriously, if he were insistent on taking Carly, could he not have done it in a more peaceful manner?
I realize I have some very religious folks following my blog. And that's fine for you. In fact, that's great! I certainly do not fault you with your beliefs. I too was a believer at one time. So please, do not be offended with what I/we now feel about God. Maybe some day, our thoughts will change. I hope they do. I really do want to believe there is a God out there. I want to believe that our little girl is now an Angel. But I'm torn and I'm pissed and for now, that's the way it's going to be.
I came across the following quote the other day. It speaks volumes.