Just A Coincidence

...or a sign?

Paul and I have been car shopping for Ashleigh. Yes, here in Michigan. She got financed, in VA, but we didn't want her out car shopping on her own. So, she sent a nice BIG fat check to us..to spend..for her! Along with some pretty harsh instructions on what type of car she wanted..right up to color choices. We've had a tough time looking for certain makes/models/colors of cars to suite Ashleigh's fancy! She's one picky gal!

While car shopping, over the course of 5 weeks, we went to many dealerships. Each time we would get close to closing the deal, something would go completely wrong and the deal would fall all to pieces. It was frustrating for us and for Ashleigh. That being said, after all those weeks and disappointments ... we picked up a 2010 Malibu with only 16,000 miles on it, just a few hours ago. Very sharp car!

As Paul was out alone one night (car shopping), he sent me a text. All the text said was, "I found a car. This is the one." Once he got home, he told me about the salesman. It turned out that the salesman is married to the lead detective for the Michigan State Police, who headed up the investigation on the night of Brad's death/fire. She has since turned it over to another detective, (the case is still open). Just A Coincidence or a sign?? Truthfully, we aren't sure. But this deal went off without a hitch. The car is in our driveway now--as I type. Could it be Brad's way of saying.."this car is the one."? No idea. Whatever the case, it gave us chills to meet the detectives husband and buy a car from him.

Earlier today, Paul and I headed to the dealership to pick up Ashleigh's car. As we were getting ready to leave the dealership, keys in hand to that pretty, shiny, blue car, we ran into a very familiar face. Even though we hadn't seen this face in quite sometime. Mandy, one of Carly's favorite oncology nurses was in the dealership buying herself a new car. She took care of Carly many times while we were inpatient. And she kept me company on many endless nights. We just loved her. We were always somewhat relieved to see her face come into our hospital room. We knew we'd be well taken care of. When Mandy's eyes met ours while standing in that dealership and she screeched..."Carly's mom and dad!" Yep, she remembered us and our sweet girl. She hadn't seen Carly in about 4 yrs..or more. I guess it's been over 4yrs, now that I sit here and think about it. She had her son with her today, who is 5yrs old. . . she didn't have kids when she took care of Carly. Anyway, the next words out of her mouth, and I knew they were coming... "Oh my gosh, how's Carly?" Instant tears poured out of my eyes. And I mean instant. So instant, that I was kind of thrown for a loop. And I'll never forget the look on her face. Ever. Oh my gosh! Poor Mandy had no idea what had happened. And then, she cried too. We stood inside that dealership hugging and crying. Just A Coincidence or a sign? Again, no idea. But we think maybe, just m a y b e, both Carly and Brad were with us today.

Through all my counseling, reading, and research on grief and grieving, I've read and been told countless times.."there will be signs." We are starting to believe this to be true. And we're somewhat freaked out by it. Favorite songs of both Carly and Brad come on the radio more and more often lately. What's even more freaky than hearing those songs, is the timing of the songs. Purple (Carly's favorite color) flowers poppin' up randomly. Finding everything imaginable in Eagle form..Brad loved Eagles! As a matter of fact, I found an Eagle garden statue about 2ft tall...I bought it (wasn't even looking for one) and placed it at his grave. It seems wherever I go, I see something with Eagles on it. And as crazy, weird as this sounds, I've even thought that I smelled their scent a time or two. Just don't know what to think, are these all Just A Coincidence...or a sign?

There is not a day that goes by, that we don't miss Carly and Brad. There is not a day that passes, that they aren't heavy on our minds. We are so completely lost without them both. Our hearts actually hurt. Every. Single. Day. I think often of what we'd be doing with Carly. Playing outside everyday after school. Watching Disney 24/7. Listening to her boom box blasting out Hannah Montana. I miss her sweet little voice and her chuckle of a laugh..which was exactly like Brad's! We miss Brad's voice. His chuckle and we are lost without him helping us with all our techie stuff. We are totally in the dark when it comes to all things techie. We miss the relationship that the two of them had. And we are so very sad that Brad never will have the joy of being a dad. We will never see any grandchildren from our son.

The week before Carly passed away, we ordered pizza. When the pizza arrived, Carly came around the corner, into the kitchen, took one look at the delivery guy and spun around running to Brad's room, screaming, "BUBBA, B U B B A" He came out of his room and said, "dang Carly, I can hear ya know" Whenever Carly had candy, she'd run to her "Bubba" and make sure he got a piece too. Truth be known, he probably told her she HAD to give him some of her candy! She even put stickers on his bedroom door - he left them there for a LONG, LONG time. And even though we are struggling with God right now..we are trying VERY hard to hold on to any shred of hope. We are doing, or trying to do this..in hopes that our two kids are together. It's not easy for us. We are still VERY pissed off and will likely be for many, many years to come.

On a lighter note. Paul and I are heading to VA on Thursday to personally deliver Ashleigh's car to her. She's super excited to get the car and we're equally excited and super anxious to see her. Even if only for a few days..it will do all 3 of us good. And, we'll be together for Easter, which is also the 6mo date of our fire and Brad's death. I'm thinking we're going to do something completely different for Easter dinner this year. Not the traditional ham dinner. Maybe a nice big steak dinner. Steak was Brad's favorite meal. It's also the meal he requested just 50 minutes before his death. I know he'd enjoy a steak for Easter dinner..he never liked ham.

A Sign?

Paul and I went over to our house earlier this evening. And we think we may have had, A Sign from our sweet little Carly.

Purple Flowers!

Do you see those flowers? See how purple they are? We couldn't believe this. Why??? Well, not because of this very odd Spring/Summer like weather we are having here in Mid Michigan, which is causing everything to bloom..it was 78 here today..the normal temp., is in the 40's for the middle of March. The reason we could not believe our eyes...is because of our yard. Our yard was torn to shreds the past several months. Dump trucks, bulldozers, backhoes, semi trailers, tractors...mud, mess, the works all right here on this very spot that these flowers popped up.

We are kind of thinking this is A Sign from our little Carly. Last Spring, these flowers popped up. The thing is, I never planted them. However, the first Spring after we lost Carly..they were there. In fact, I think I did a post on finding them growing last year. I could look through my blog, but I'm not going to! Not right now at least.

How these are growing amongst the torn up yard..seriously, there is no grass around those flowers..you can see that in the picture, is beyond anything I can figure out. Everything is dirt. Turned up grass. Just. Plain. Dirt!

For those of you who haven't followed our journey until recently. Carly's favorite color was purple. It's the first "color" word that she ever said. She wanted EVERYTHING purple. Red was her second favorite color..and was the second "color" word she said. If you gave her a choice between something, red or purple...it confused the shit out of her!! Poor kid, she could not choose between the two. So, most generally, she ended up with something purple and something red!

As we looked at these flowers, Paul and I said, at the same time, "It's Carly." I'm thinking she's telling us, "it's time to get home. I'm still here." Now if only we could get A Sign, from Brad.

A few questions...

...that I've been asked over the course of the past several months. Most are pretty difficult to answer. But, I find myself often saying the ever infamous line of, "I'm doing okay." Which is really, very far from the truth!

One question that I often get asked is - "how do you do it?" I assume, "it" is referring to the death of 2 of my children. I rarely have an answer to that question. Most often, I find myself at a loss of words or I stumble around trying hard to come up with an answer. Actually, in complete honesty, I have no idea of just how exactly to answer that particular question. The truth is, I don't know how I do "it". I don't know how I get through each day. It's hard to go to sleep each night. It's VERY hard to get myself out of bed each morning.It's hard to get started with each new day. Seriously, every day, each morning, it's hard. It throws your whole body for a loop..just. as. soon. as. you. open. your. eyes. Not a good way to start each day, is it? It's not like getting up late because your alarm wasn't set right. And then you find yourself racing around the house trying to get ready to get out the door to work..only to discover that you have lost you set of car keys just as your heading out the door to work. Car keys are replaceable...even though you get totally pissed off when you can't find your keys. It throws you into a tizzy. Throws your entire day off. However, in the back of your mind, you know those keys will eventually show up. What I face each morning is the cold hard fact, that my 2 kids will never show up. Not in their physical being. They are forever gone from this world. Gone forever. And truthfully, I'm not doing "it" very well. But, I've learned that people are so uncomfortable with the truth, that I seem to just give the easiest answer possible..."I'm doing okay."

Another question I've been asked several times is - "what's the hardest part of what you're going through?" Again, I can only assume that question refers to the loss of 2 of my children, but people don't ask with the use of Carly's or Brad's name. I don't have any idea how to answer that question at all. I can't explain the ache I feel deep, deep down inside of myself. I can't begin to explain the overwhelming heartache that consumes me each and every. single. day. I often times will say, "my heart is completely shattered, not just broken, shattered." And I just leave it at that. I can't tell you what the hardest part of living this new life is. I miss seeing the faces of my kids every day. I miss their laughter. I miss their voices. I miss the noisiness of having kids.

On a day to day basis, one of the things we do struggle with the most, is waking up each morning to face another day without our kids. Going to visit them at the cemetery is very difficult. It's so hard to stand at their graves and know that their lives are over. To know that I gave birth to two beautiful children whose lives were snatched away, without any warning. They were here one minute and gone the next.

Another question Paul and I get asked a lot..and I mean A LOT - "are you angry/mad at God?" We are extremely mad and angry at God. We now question whether or not there even is a God. Please..do not judge me for my feelings. If you believe in God, good for you. But for Paul and I, we are struggling. We are mad as HELL. I get so tired of hearing people say, "everything happens for a reason." and "this is God's plan." Ummm, I'm pretty sure if those people were walking this journey of grief, they'd be feeling darn near what we are feeling and if they didn't, they'd surely understand our anger and our questioning. As I've said to several people, "well, if this is God's plan, it's one messed up plan. Messed up big time."

As far as questions go, believe you me...we have a lot of them. I'll share with you a few of those question. We struggle with these questions daily. Often times, several times, daily.

Why our family?

Why our kids?

Why can’t we feel their presence, (like those grieving parents before us, claim we can) on a daily basis?

Why wasn't it us?

Why do we feel so exhausted each day?

When will our heart shattering pain lessen?
When will we have any feeling of "normalcy" again?

Is this all there is to our "normalcy" now?

When will our up and down days, turn into more "up" days and less "down" days?

Is our life left to "down" days, for the rest of our lives?

When will our guilt end?

Is it really "normal" to feel such quilt?

When will my horrible dreams of my 2 children end?

Do I really want my horrible dreams to end?

Are we going crazy?

Are our kids together now?

Are they happy?

Where, exactly are our kids?

What's it like for them now?

Is there life beyond?

Where was God on April 23, 2010 as Carly fought so freaking hard to survive?

Where was God on October 8, 2011 as our home burned as our son lie inside?

What kind of God puts a family through such horror?

Why did God fail our family?

Is there even God?

Is there a Heaven?

How are we suppose to go on with our lives?

Will happiness ever find us again?

How does a mother go on without 2 of her children and where does she even begin?

What are we suppose to do now?

What comes next?

Is more heartbreak ahead?

When is enough...ENOUGH?

And those are only an example of some of the questions that we have each day. Most, will likely never be answered. And that sucks. Because some of those questions will eat at us, likely for the rest of our lives.

We are trying hard to find a sense of some sort of normalcy. But it's really, really hard and more times than not, I for one, would rather just stay at home and keep to myself. And if you know my husband, so would he. It's hard to get yourself moving. Force yourself to, go..live..do..be. I'm trying though. I do have some pretty good friends who do get me out a couple times a month. We go for lunch, dinner, shopping and even to the movies. Believe me, I come close each time, to backing out. But, I force myself to, go..do. In all honesty, it's hard. Hard to make myself do things. Not sure if it's guilt because I'm doing things or fear. Fear, is very much a part of our lives now. We fear each day. We fear facing each day. We fear wondering what each day will bring. We fear tomorrow. We fear life.

The above picture, is part of the Willow Tree Angels collection. My dear friend, Polly, sent this to us after Brad's death. It's very fitting, it's called, "Brother and Sister" And I hope, this is how my kids are today. Together. Side by side. Forever.

Brad would most definitely, NOT like this picture of him shown.. because
he had lost so much weight after this picture and before his death.
But, I love this picture. Carly was checking him out..likely wishing
she could stand by her "sissy"... and he was checking her out. They
had a very special bond. And I sure do hope whatever is out there after death..whatever
it may be, that they are together again.

Survivor, Surviving...

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom...through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal~
~unknown~

********************

I think I've mastered the "smile of disguise" and it's harder than you could ever begin to imagine. I am surviving and so is Paul. I'm not quite sure how, because the whole process of surviving is hard work.

Paul and I have been having a rough time the past week or so. Facing the fact, the harsh reality of life without both Carly and Brad has been tough the last several days. This whole grieving thing, it isn't getting any easier for either of us and some days, it's nearly unbearable.

As March rolls in, our fears of Carly's approaching 2yr angel anniversary are becoming crystal clear. It's pretty scary for us. We can't believe we are coming up on the 2yr mark. And we can't believe that we've lost another child during that time. We are living a real, live, freaking nightmare.

They say, whoever they are...the experts on grief, I guess. Anyway, they say the 2nd year is the hardest to get through ~ during the grieving process, of a lifetime. We wouldn't know. Because during that time, we lost our son, Brad. Grieving 2 kids is hard. Very hard. We've been so numb over losing Brad that we haven't been able to hit the 2yr grieving mark for Carly. They, say the 2nd year of the grieving process is a huge hurdle to clear..it's suppose to be the very hardest part of this gut wrenching journey. But, it's important because..supposedly, when you get through the 2 year mark, things start getting more bearable. Not easier, just a bit more bearable because all of the "firsts" are over with..behind you. Such as; the first Christmas, birthday or any other special day.

We keep pushing forward and we're trying so hard to survive, but it's the hardest thing we've ever done in our lives. You can't imagine how hard it is for us to get up each morning, and just function. I'm home all day. Paul goes to work each day. We talk to each other several times a day and I can hear the life just draining out of his voice. He is in such awful shape. I worry about him all day long. He cries nearly all the time. Yes, he's on med's, (we both are) but in all honesty, med's don't heal a broken heart. A broken heart, times two.

Ashleigh is the only reason that Paul and I can face each day. She gives us the will to go on with our lives. It's really hard to have her 800 miles away from us right now, but at least we can talk to her whenever we want. Paul and I worry about her every single day. How that girl continues to move forward with her life is beyond me. She has such strength and determination. Despite the fact that she has lost both of her siblings. I'd have to say, she's pretty darn amazing. I feel so terrible though, because she "parents" us every now and then. Not kidding. It's like a role reversal. She sees us hanging at the end of our rope and she pulls us back in.

Surviving, is an awful hard job.

Just A Glimpse...

...of how our lives are changing. A new life. Not one that we ever asked for. Not one that we ever wanted. Not one that we'd wish on anyone. But, this change, it is inevitable..and this change completely SUCKS.

I've posted before that we are not happy about this new home. We aren't excited about it. We aren't looking forward to moving in to it. In fact, we are terrified to move into it. But we are thankful that our insurance co., realized that we just could not live in our old home, even after they rebuilt it. We are thankful that the cost of rebuilding our home was so high, it afforded us the chance to just get a new home. No way could we have ever lived in that same house. The house where our son took his very last breath. No Way! At this point, we aren't sure we'll even be able to live in this new home. It may prove to be much too difficult for us.

Below is, just a glimpse of our new home. We like this home. We have to, right? I mean, we have to live in it, so therefore, we have to like it. Right??? But, and that's a very BIG BUT,,, at the very same time, we don't..like it. We like nothing about it. It makes us sad. Makes us angry. Makes us feel guilty. Guilty for liking the house. Confused much?? So are we! I guess what I'm saying is this - we like the house itself. We ordered it the way we wanted it, and trust me, that was NOT easy to do a mere 4wks after losing Brad. But, we did order it the way we wanted it. From the flooring to the sinks, the cupboards to the paint color. What we don't like about it is - it's not "our" home. Our home where all of our memories were made with our kids. That home is gone, forever...that's the home we want back. The home and both of our kids who were taken so suddenly away from us.

This is a picture of Diesel sitting on our salvaged (from the old house) steps, in front of our new house. Diesel was/is, Brad's dog :(

I think the poor dog misses "home". Yes, he is with us while we live with my parents. The poor dog is so confused :( How could he not be?

The house is sided with Palm Green siding...Ashleigh really dislikes this color :(

You can see in the picture below, we had to remove several shrubs due to a different layout of this home. The empty spot between the windows is where our front steps used to be :(

And there's Diesel again. Guarding 'his' house...As I look at this picture, I can't help but wonder what this poor dog must be thinking about all that's gone on in the past 4months.

Diesel was (so was Carly's dog, Penny-a cockapoo) home that horrific night. He, (Penny too) has been uprooted, moved to my parents and he has been penned up. Normally, he has free rein of our yard...we had an underground pet fence.

I can't tell you how badly I wish that our dogs could talk. They saw so much commotion that horrible night. Which is why I'm pretty sure that is the reason Diesel has become VERY protective. Or, it could be all simply, due to his age. He's 3yrs old now. I'm sure the poor dog misses Brad and that likely has something to do with his being so protective. Penny missed Carly..she even cried for several weeks after we lost Carly :( She would wander around the house sniffing all the toys and cry. It was pitiful.

There you have it...just a glimpse, of our new home.