May is soon going to be over. I sit here and think..where does time go? I've said this many times in the past 13+ months, "I wish life had a re-wind button." However, I know that is only wishful thinking. It's not reality. But I still wish for it. And I probably will, forever.
This month has been very difficult. I'm glad is almost over, but sad at the same time. And, I worry what the next month and the months soon to follow, will bring. I seem to have many more tears falling, over the course of this month. Much frustration. Much depression. Much sadness. Much heartache..and yes, my heart still aches. It actually, painfully hurts. My chest feels like its caving in. I don't sleep any better, in fact I think I sleep worse in the past month or so, than in previous months. My mind never shuts off. And loneliness consumes me. Yes, I realize I still have a family. But, losing Carly last year...I lost a part of me too.
What I hate the most, other than having my 8yr old buried in a damn cemetery, is that I am forever a different person. I don't like this person. I liked me, 13months ago. I liked my life. I LOVED my life. Now, I dislike nearly everything about my life.
I'm so very angry. First and foremost, I'm angry at God. I want to believe there is a God, but what my family is going through, really makes me question whether or not He even exists. I try and convince myself that, yes, He does exist, because I want my daughter to be in Heaven. And she damn well better be there, if of course there even is a Heaven.
But then, I go back in time. Back to April 23 2010. I'm so pissed off on how that all played out. I have a son who suffers from severe depression and he had to witness the most horrific thing anyone could ever imagine. His baby sister dying on our living room floor. His dad frantically doing CPR on her lifeless, blue, body. His mom completely losing it and going into hysterics. I was so hysterical, I was ushered out of my damn house! And then, he saw her come back and be her spunky little self. I was told to console my son. Make him aware of the fact that Carly was back and she was okay. And I will be damned, if less than one freaking hour later, my brother had to come to my house and tell my son, "Brad, you need to get dressed, Carly died on the way to the hospital" That is messed up. And anyone who doesn't understand my questioning God,,well...I'm sorry, but that's my mind frame right now. What kind of God allows such a scene to play out? Thanks to that horrific day, my son has slipped further into depression and I seriously, do not know what to do for him. I used to pray for him and his illness. But now I see clearly, that all the praying in the world,,,often times, is of no use.
I've learned quite a bit in the past 13months. Life goes on. Like it or not. Life goes on. Life is NOT fair. Bad things happen to good people. People pass judgement on grieving families, "they should be getting over this by now." I know that's what people think ..all I can say, is step into my skin for a few minutes...then let me know your thoughts on "getting over this" I've learned that true friends are few and far between. Friends who you thought were friends, are no where to be seen. Which I can not figure out. Do friends disappear? Do they fear grieving parents? Do they think I'm going to sit and cry constantly? I don't,,,just so you know. Yes, I cry and I do it quite often, but...BUT, I try and cry by myself.
With all that being said, in the above paragraph. I do have a couple of, in real life friends who call quite often. They both live out of state. One in Virginia and one in Florida. But, they call. They leave messages..they don't stop calling. If they can't get a hold of me, they call again another day. Those are true friends. Honest to goodness, true friends. And I'm thankful they call me so often, even if I don't return their calls for several days/weeks. I know they care a lot about me and my family. And I'm very thankful for both of them.
My online friends have been so supportive to me and my family. I have the best bunch of online friends that a person could ever hope for. I get support from all over the world. And that, is priceless. I never thought people could bond, without ever meeting in real life..but you can! I have and for that, I'm thankful.
I found the following message on a parents grieving web site. Oh how I HATE having to make sure I'm not losing my ever loving mind. I actually research "grief" and "grieving parents" etc.. This message really struck me. It's a great message. Loud and clear. Please, take a few minutes to read the message below.
Losing a loved one does not just disrupt a person’s life - it changes it forever. When someone you care about experiences the death of a loved one, it may be hard to know what to say or how to offer comfort and support. This is especially true if you have not yet gone through the loss of a loved one yourself. There are various ways to support someone who is going through this difficult experience.
Here are some ways you can give support to someone who is grieving.
Be a good listener. Sometimes the best thing you can offer to someone who is grieving is to listen. Assure the person that it is okay to talk about his or her feelings. Although you cannot erase the pain of the bereaved person’s loss, you can provide a great deal of comfort by being there to listen.
Respect the person’s way of grieving. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves in his or her own way. The sadness of loss, however, is universal.
Accept mood swings. Be aware that a grieving person will have emotional ups and downs. Grief is often described as an emotional roller coaster. Someone who has just lost a loved one may feel fine one moment and overcome with emotion the next. This is a normal part of the grieving process.
Avoid giving advice. It is best to avoid making suggestions about what the bereaved person should or should not do. Such advice is usually well meant, but it may make the bereaved person feel worse. Instead, let the person know that you recognize how great his or her loss is. For example, you might say, “What a difficult time this must be for you,” or “How painful this must be for you and your family.”
Refrain from trying to explain the loss. Words that are meant to console the bereaved can in some cases have the opposite effect. Avoid saying things like “Your loved one is in a better place,” “It is God’s will,” or “At least she or he is no longer suffering.” Listening is more helpful.
Help out with practical tasks. A bereaved person may be glad to have help with activities like grocery shopping, preparing meals, making phone calls, doing laundry, babysitting, and so on. Rather than saying, “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help,” offer assistance with specific tasks you are in a position to help with.
Stay connected and available. There is no timetable for grief. People who are grieving need time to heal, so be patient. Let the bereaved person know that you will check in often. Even if he or she is not yet ready to talk or to be around others, simply knowing you’re there can be very comforting.Offer words that touch the heart. It’s natural to struggle with finding the right words. Simple words are often the best. For example, say: “I’m so sorry for your loss. How can I help?” No matter how unsure you may feel about the support you are offering, what matters most is that you are genuinely concerned and want to help. The bereaved person will likely appreciate your sincere efforts to be supportive.